Should I prod my ex to resume contact with DD?

[BusyHomemaker]

STBexH hasn't had contact with DD (21mo) since 23rd June. This is because of his behaviour towards me at handover, it was very distressing for both me and DD. He was also emailing and texting on a regular basis, demanding to know why I had left him (I left in Feb and we have unsuccessfully attempted reconciliation since then - he knows full well!) and requesting I took back my allegations of unreasonable behaviour, demanding DD's birth certificate so he could open a savings account for her (hasn't paid a penny in maintenance) and also demanding that I be alone during had over... all quite disconcerting.

He used to have her for 6 hours on a sunday and skype on weds eve - he moved away a couple of months ago. My solicitor sent him a warning letter due to his behaviour along with a copy of the divorce particulars and a revised agreement of contact. The new agreement states that he could have contact supervised by family for 4 hours on a Sunday. He has mental health issues (going back 12 years and never properly sought help) and one of my conditions for contact is that he does not have supervised contact until he has completed a course of therapy. His behaviour is erratic and he cries each time he skypes. He hasn't skyped for a few weeks now. I bumped into his sister a few days ago who was lovely and told me they all missed DD and that once contact has been properly arranged everything will calm down. She even offered to help if I needed child care.

The strange thing is that I haven't heard from STBexH regarding contact and I know his family are having a get together tomorrow. I just find it so strange that STBexH or his family have been in touch to see DD.

How have others handled this situation? Should I just leave it or should I prod him? I must add that in our marriage I did absolutely everything and I left due to EA. Still, this is DD's father and extended family and I feel so bad for her that they don't seem to care. TIA.

My experience was Ex popped up like a bad penny...He also had MH problems...I found the effort of me trying to make it work and him not simply made him try to bully me more..I found once I stopped trying it made supporting my son with his emotions easier..

I also expected contact to end with my son at some point and knew me encouraging it simply was not helpful to my son.

My Ex also wanted to pay money into a savings account rather than pay maintenance ....I think it was more so he could say look what I have done rather than support his son..I told him if there was money left over it was my descision whether to save the money his job to help provide for his son growing up...

if i was in your position i would make contact conditional on the basis that he seeks help and sorts himself out. purely for the sake of the child its not fair that she should be exposed to issues like that, its not healthy and sets the wrong idea of how families should be. another thing id be concerned about is the risk of her ending up with the burden of feeling like shes responsible for his happiness- which is damaging to a child- i know cos my mum was like it once with depression.

is there no way any family/friends can do handover? or a contact centre?
problem is is he needs to go n ask for help himself. i tried so hard to persuade my ex to do that but if they arent willing then theres not alot you can do. ultimately you need to decide whats best for dd x

Thanks for replying. That does sound similar to my situation as my ex is also a bully. I'm still coming to terms with that so ever hopeful things will turn around. I too am wondering if contact will stop... how sad for our children. You've reiterated me that if he wants to see DD he has to make the move. Thanks :)

Yes honey I agree that contact should be conditional on the basis that he seeks help. He's had years to do this though... sigh!

Let him make the move, if he doesn't, chances are he won't keep in contact for long, if he is not going to stay put, there's no point to break the child's heart with repeated disappearances.

Knowing his erratic behaviour, do you think your child will be safe and happy with him? if not... Let it go and wait until he cares enough to sort things up himself.

I helped my ex and my DD stay in contact with each other. (He was useless and feckless in this respect)

My theory was that if I didn't facilitate it she might suffer psychological damage from not having an emotional connection with her father.

Last year he contracted lung cancer and died within 2 months of diagnosis. (Was a lifelong smoker)

Can't say whether I have done the right thing or not.

My DM did her hardest for years to essentially force my dad to see us, despite all the abuse and trouble she had to put up with. Finally ended all contact when I was 10. Although at the time I hated it, I am now so grateful she had the strength to cut him out and stop making all the effort. He disappointed us time and time again and bought unnecessary drama - only after we moved on did we have stability.
I know this is just one experience, and this is a view that many will disagree with, but too much onus is put on lone parents to enable contact with the absent parents. And by absent I mean the useless types who aren't really interested/just cause drama etc. I disagree that a child needs both parents, especially if one is unreliable and unstable. It is more important to have him around after he makes the effort to sort hjmself out rather than have an unwilling parent figure only half involved and causing disruption.

Wicked, I can't agree with you more. There is a lot of pressure on the resident parent to make whatever necessary to keep the other parent in contact with the children. There seems to be the accepted understanding that no matter how disruptive/abusive/careless the non resident parent is, the children will ultimately benefit of keeping in a relationship with him/her.

I supported that view, and kept making efforts for my child to have contact with his dad despite of how upset he was coming from contact. At some point things got so bad, I couldn't lie to myself anymore: My child was being emotionally abused and neglected every second weekend and I was still protecting this contact out of fear to the reactions of my ex or what other people could say/think. It was plain cowardice.

As soon as some steps were taken to protect DS during contact my ex said he didn't want to see him anymore. I was distraught and angry about this for years, but I cannot longer deny it, DS is a much happier child since his dad is out of the picture. Yes, he misses having a dad, he wants to have one, but he is also very clear he doesn't want his dad back. He wants a "nice one" he says.

I am finding this thread so reassuring, my ExH barely bothers with our DD since he left a year ago, and turns up in her life like "a bad penny" to just upset her and try and make contact because he thinks its due (his view is once every few weeks for 4 hours) Each time he does he has no clue how upset she gets, and it takes days for her to settle down again, emotionally.
Wicked its nice to hear from someone who has gone through it (although I'm sorry you have) as I agree that two parents are only better if they are both providing, in any way they can for their children. But if this isnt happening then a destructive path can open, which I would worry a child could not always recover from.
A breakup is bad enough for these children without having the nightmare of terrible contact, and re encouraging contact for your child, I have now stopped advising my DD to reply to her dad, she is 11 and can now make that decision on her own now.
He still lives in denial that its her job to contact him, he also has the MH side of things to add to the mix.

Good luck in what you decide Busy x

Thanks so much to all of you for replying. cls77 I am sorry your daughter is going through such a bad time with her dad. I've decided that as hard as it is, I'm just going to leave STBexH to get in touch with DD instead of instigating it, partly because I no longer want him to have any control over me and partly because if he is going to stop seeing her I'd rather it happened sooner than later.

Life goes on!

op there is nothing to stop you forming a good relationship with your dd's aunt - your ex's sister. the more good adults in her life the better.
but no point you pushing contact with dad if he has major issues.

stick to your rules if he does pop up again.

kids need to know where they come from who their dad is - but as chandras said, they need contact with a "good" dad. if dad is unstable etc then limit contact. let them miss the concept of a dad and support them but don't go chasing something that doesn't exist.