'Dad' now wants to be part of dd's life

[MummyDuckAndDuckling]

Ok, story in short.. Me and dd's father had on and off relationship for few years, finally came to an amicable end when he needed to move away for work (1 hr from me). I found out I was pregnant the day before he left. Threw a spanner in the works but we agreed if it was ment to be, we would make it work. Through the 9 months we had very little contact, started off well but by 6 months he became very distant (I later found out he was with new gf by now) and by her birth we were not talking. He saw her for first time at 4 weeks then again at 6 weeks and then nothing bar a few random messages to say how much he fucked things up, but no mention of wanting to see her. He got in touch before Xmas saying he was moving back home, hoping to start a relationship with dd, was now no longer with gf and was sorry for everything. I took it with a pinch of salt and agonised over it for a while before agreeing to give him a chance with the warning that this was his last chance. Surprise surprise, he went silent again and nothing became of it.

So he randomly gets in touch again a few weeks back saying everything he thinks I want to hear. I told him to get lost but he keeps messaging saying how sorry he is..

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have gave him more than enough chances, that he's only going to let dd down and piss me off at the same time. I don't feel that his heart is really in it.

I'm so confused

I don't think that you want to let how you feel about him get in the way.
So far she is 'the baby'- it may well be different once she is a personality to him. DD should at least get the chance. ( you don't actually say how old she is now)

Sorry was a rushed message last night.

She is 22 months old. He isn't on her birth certificate as he didn't show up the day I went to register her so I know he can't push me into anything as he has no rights over her.

One side of me wants to allow him to see her as I feel uncomfortable with the fact that she may have to grow up without knowing who her dad is. But then on the other hand, I've done a pretty damn good job getting this far on my own with her and she doesn't need him. She has plenty of male role models in her life (my dad, brothers etc) and why should he just text every now and then

He hasn't paid any child support towards her and I haven't chased him as I don't want his money

I agree with exoticfruits. You need to separate your relationship with him from your daughters. She has a right to know her father. Personally I'd keep all contact with him businesslike. If he gets in touch all regretful of his past actions don't get drawn into it. Simply ask if he wants to see her and when. If he does want to build a relationship with her you'll soon know.
I'd say you're in a position to call the shots with regards to contact so suggest whatever you're comfortable with, eg, 2 hours a week on such and such a day to start. If he does'nt stick to it then you'll know he's not serious about it.

As your daughter is so young she won't be left disappointed if he buggers off again as she won't remember, better now than when she's older imo.

Lastly please go to CSA and claim maintenance. I know you say you don't want his money but it's not for you, it's for you dd. Even if you don't need it you can put it into savings for her. It's his responsibility to provide for her too whether he wants to see her or not.

It is nothing to do with his 'rights'- it is all to do with her rights to have a relationship with her father.
Deal with it the way Sleepyfish describes.
I think that a relationship with Lucy ( put in name) is very different from a relationship with the baby. At least they both ought to have the opportunity.

it is not about his rights or your right but about her right to have a relationship with her father.

If you prevent this now and she finds out later (and there is every chance she will find out) she will want to know why you prevented her from knowing her father.

Separate your own feelings from this and ask him when he would like to see her, then take it from there.

His not being on the birth certificate may not give him any rights but as I said above it is about a lot more than that. Plus if he went to court for PR the courts would order a DNA test and he would be granted PR so his not being on the birtch certificate is only a temporary fix on your part iyswim.

Don't let it come t that. Your daughter has the right to a relationship with her father, and tbh you do not have the right too prevent that.

Thank you for replies.

By 'rights' I ment that he can't push my into anything I'm not ready for. Obv that he wants to see her (although has said this before) I am happy. I've never experienced growing up without a dad and I don't want her to either.

I'll take a few days to think it over and perhaps set up a meeting for a few hours to let them meet.

I guess I'm just scared. I've been with her now for almost 2 years, I feel like I'd be losing her

I understand that feeling OP, for the first couple of years raising ds alone, I dreaded his father changing his mind and getting involved as I felt so fiercely protective of him and still felt anger towards his dad.
Ds is almost 5 now and still has met his dad, I no longer feel angry and wish for nothing more than his father to take an interest.

hasn't not has!

Sleepyfish, sorry to hear that

I think I just figured that after this long, he didn't want anything to do with her. I think that as he has said this a few times before but done nothing about it makes me think it will never happen.

I just don't want him thinking that he can send a few texts saying sorry and can suddenly see his daughter who he has had no contact with in 2 years.

I need to put my anger I have towards him to one side, but I think I'll really struggle to do it

As he is a stranger to her then you may be able to insist all contact is done via a contact centre. Your local CAB / family mediation / womens aid should be able to help. It would also help you establish how serious he was. Blood relative or not, they don't know each other so it can't be rushed.

Don't get me wrong, it suits me just fine that his father's not around, he has wonderful male role models in his life too and is completely oblivious to the whole father abandonment. But as he gets older i worry how he'll deal with it when he does realize and for that reason i wish his father would take some kind of interest, but it took me until he was around 3 to see things that way.
As meglet says it may be best to get someone else to supervise contact until you get to the stage where you're no longer feeling angry and can look at things objectively.
Just remember, allowing contact is not 'him' getting his own way, it's you doing what's right for your daughter.
Good luck.