Moving away from DCs father

[Thyeternalsummer]

Wondering if anyone has any experience on moving with very young children away from their DCs father?

Current situation - we live where we do because of DPs DD, it's his old marital home we live in and neither of us have friends or family locally. I'm expecting first DC in a week or so, and I just can't see myself staying here. I've hated the area since I moved in, there's not a lot to do, really difficult to get around if you don't drive and I just feel really isolated. Worse is the fact that living here prevents me from working once the baby is born, travel costs and childcare in this area would exceed what I could earn.

I'm really tempted to just leave and take the baby to live near my family (2 - 3 hours drive away). I'd be able to afford to work - travel and childcare cost would be much lower, plus I'd have friends and family to see outside of work hours.

This issue has come up between us several times..and we've almost split during my pregnancy as I just don't want to be here. His point is that I'm being really unfair and making him choose between his daughter and his new son, which is fair enough but I just can't keep making myself unhappy for the sake of somebody else's child tbh.

I guess I'm just asking whether I'd be really unreasonable to move so far away? It just seems as though I'm having to compromise my whole life just to accommodate his decisions. Taking a baby away from his father isn't something I take lightly, but I am so unhappy here and I know it will be worse once the baby arrives.

WWYD?

I'd say don't make any decisions right now. You're hot, tired and hormonal. In a week's time you will have an awful lot to deal with. Any chance some of your family might be able to come to visit after the birth to help out and make you feel less isolated?

In terms of moving forward; I'm not sure I'd want a bloke who was willing to move 2-3 hours away from his child. Could you suggest a compromise for the future? Moving out of his ex's house isn't unreasonable, but maybe just somewhere a bit more lively/economic rather than hundreds of miles away from his DD? (How old is she?)

So he'll lose one child whatever he chooses?

Doesn't seem very fair on him.

Poor man seems he can't win, he basically has to chose which child to lose.

His daughter is 10, and his contact is eow and one night midweek. I've made clear that if I leave then I'd be happy for him to have our son on the weekends he's got his daughter. It would just require a bit of effort on both our parts to make it work logistically.

But I'm not prepared to stay here with the way things are. He works a 12 hour day in the city and I'll be expected just to get on with things here by myself. The only change he's made to his working pattern is working from home on the weekday he has his daughter and fits his leave around his school holiday access.

It just doesn't work for me. In hindsight we should never have had kids together, but it's a bit too late for that now

I don't want a penny from him. He pays a lot currently for his daughter (he's not a 'high' earner, but enough to discount us from receiving child benefit on the basis of his earnings). I'd actually be better off on my own - currently we have very little left to live on each month after CSA, mortgage payments for his house, bills and food are paid for.

Housing is a LOT cheaper where I'm originally from, as is childcare. I'd be able to support myself and the baby on my earnings comfortably enough.

Staying here basically will mean being a house slave until the baby is old enough to qualify for free childcare. He won't look at moving to a lower paid local job with flexible hours, which would allow me to work too. His position is basically - this is where DSD lives, I work in the city, you don't earn enough to cover childcare and travel costs and we can't afford to basically be paying for you to go to work. And palms me off with basically most women would love to be able to stay at home, and I'm just ungrateful complaining.

It's not ideal...but I matter too.

Basically

ds1's father, my exh, moved to another country for work when ds1 was about 4. then when he came back to the UK, he moved about an hour away from our starting point, and i also moved about an hour away from out starting point (ie our marital home i mean). so we're about 2 hours drive on a good day. it's not ideal, but equally it's not feasible to expect that exh and i would have to stay in a place neither of us liked and where neither of us could afford a decent house just so that we were nearby. having said all that, exh has only ever seen ds1 every other weekend for one day, so there has never been any shared parenting.

Have you actually split? It comes down to, he can't tell you what to do but you can't tell him what to do either.

Are you suggesting that you will take ds to him every time for the contact weekend? Because how is he going to fit in two pick ups / drop offs in totally different places, he can't really be expected to take his dd to yours to collect ds.

I can completely see why you want to move. But little and often is the recommended contact for young babies.

Is it feasible to live half way between so you could commute to work and see family but he wasn't so far away?

I don't think this is about the area you live in, but about your relationship. You are not considering is feelings, he's not considering yours, it seems to me.

"Someone else's child"?? Surely she is now your defacto step child and your partner is her dad?!

I think you should find a way to make it work staying in the area you currently live. You do matter too but you are the adult and I think your child and his 10 year old daughter come ahead of you. What you are proposing negatively affects 3 people in order for you to have one thing. You should look for building relationships with people nearby, get involved in things. You don't need to be a 'house slave' that's ridiculous unless you are saying your partner forces you to stay in the house cooking and cleaning? I think it's cruel to both baby and daddy to split them up for the sake of a location. I have moved home a lot and know it can be difficult being in a new place but everywhere has good stuff/people if you are open to finding it. I suspect you are panicking and don't mean to make you feel bad or more trapped but with an open mindset, if the living location is really the only problem, you can find things that make it easier to stay where your partner and baby need to be. Would you consider moving away and leaving baby with your partner? If no, then why are you forcing your partner to endure such a situation where he is separated from one or both his children. Just another way to think about it.

This is a really difficult situation all round. I agree this is more about your relationship than location per se but until you can properly discuss this, I can't see an easy solution.

Would you be able to look and find more suitable accommodation for him to consider moving to, to allow you the chance to have more of a life/connections with others? Somewhere you could easily get to work/find childcare even if only on a part time basis? In a location that doesn't disrupt his arrangement for contact with his DD and job? If you are able to come up with a plan B which gives you a chance to be happier while he makes compromises which have little impact on his current set up with his DD then that might help you both focus on whether things are salvageable in the relationship or if its effectively over.

I don't agree that you should miserable just to keep everyone else happy. You sliding into PND or similar isn't going to help anyone either.

I hope you reach a compromise.

'Would I consider moving away and leaving baby here with partner?'

Tbh yes. If my only option was to agree to stay here and be a SAHM, or leave - then I'd have to just leave. But fortunately it's not my only option. Can't imagine a judge in the country would make me stay local to an area where I have no ties or life prospects simply to facilitate my partner's arrangements.

I agree it's unfair on my partner, but it's also unfair on me with the current arrangement. And it don't think it's fair that it should be put on me to find ways to make it work, when I'm not benefitting from it at all. If he wants us all to stay here, for his benefit, then he needs to find a way to make it work for everyone and not just him.

But all he suggests are bloody coffee mornings or me taking a 'naice little job' locally. I want to work full time. In a proper job. And have the baby properly cared for by professionals whilst I'm at work. All of which is perfectly achievable on my own, in my home town. With the added benefit of having my friends and family close by.

We're just at loggerheads at the moment. He wants me to accept his vision of family life, which is more my idea of hell. I'll probably end up giving him until my Maternity Allowance runs out (beginning of next year) to find a better solution, but if nothing has changed then I'll have to start making plans of my own.

Do you want to be with DP? That is the main issue, if you were further away, would you still want to be together? If so, stick it out.It will go so fast, in 3 years he will qualify for some free childcare, once DS is at school, DSD will be old enough to travel alone on a train so maybe DP would agree to move then as it wouldn't affect their relationship much then.

You may well feel different once DS is here, I had everything planned to go back to work at 9 months full time, but have now postponed going back to work until DD is 2 as I don't feel either of us is ready for large amounts of time apart at nursery this early on.
I didn't think I would feel how I do, but it's different in reality to what it seems like during pregnancy etc. Don't make any big decisions until a few months in at least, then possibly consider somewhere halfway for a little while, eventually aiming for your place of choice.
Don't rush into this, being a single mum can be very lonely and stressful, I would not choose it purely based on work/location if you have a good DP who you love, albeit with some arguments.

It's not for your partner's benefit, is it? it's about his child. You're basically expecting him to change things fof you at no practical or emotional cost to yourself. Have you looked for work or made an attempt to meet other mums and build a life?