Will he be there or not?

[scared123]

I have split with my partner,but am 3 months pregnant.the baby was a surprise,but at 31,with my own home and good job,I knew from the start i would keep the baby.initially he was supportive,and we tried to make our 'strained' relationship work.he is a jealous and possessive man,and doesn't handle stress well.after the initial support,he didn't handle the baby news well and became unbearable to live with.road rage,other shopper rage,jealous of my friends,short temptered,frustrated at my morning sickness.long story short,we seperated (following an argument where he suggested it wasn't working and I ageed).i continue to agree and won't change my mind-I can't live my life with a controlling bully and won't let my child.he feels like I am now taking his opportunity to be a father away-but I think it is better for our child to be brought up in a happy home with seperated parents who both has contact and strong bond,rather than an unhappy home with two miserable parents (who woundn't?).he initially promised to be supportive and involved-despite us not loving each other.yet since then has changed his mind around 10 times,swinging from "this is so unfair,you get everything you want,I get nothing,I can't do this,I don't want to be involved,i dont want to share my kid" to "I want the child every weekend".after yesterdays 3 months scan,he again doesn't want to be a part time dad and is now deciding what is best.apparently we split because of my "hormones"-nothing to do with his mood swings... also,prior to scan,he claimed to want to try again,but has done nothing to show me he has or will change-in fact the complete opposite.i have keep him fully involved and can't stress to him anymore how much I want him to be a part of his child's life (all this behaviour doesnt help,but i try to give him the benefit of the doubt an hope he will be a good father.any advice? :/ xx

He sounds like my exp and it didn't go well. He does sound very selfish and I suspect that life with him would not be nice and the effect on DC would not be good.
He is the FOB and he has rights no matter how he behaves courts will give him access. My advice and I know this is probaly not what you were posting for:
Keep everything you can in terms of text messages and any emails regarding all this what he thinks and feels and wants, try and get it via text and email. You will need it - if it goes badly wrong and if it was to end up in court this will help you. I would actually speak to a solicitor now and read the advice from CAFCASS on seperating and divorcing.
My brief story started just like yours...he showed no interest after we split saw DS twice when first born and then disappeared again - has come back almost 8 years later and rewritten history - shocking, shocking lies which looking back fitted with his pattern of controling actions when we were together, esp. when I became pregnant. it is a very bitter court case and I now have a distressed DS who does not know him and does not want to know him. It is rare for people like your DP to change. You have to lean how to respond to what he does.

Don't give him the benefit of any more doubt.

Your job is to be (and prepare to be)the best parent you possibly can, his job is the same...he may or may not rise to the occasion (betting not) but it is not your job to try to make him into a good father. You provide information, opportunitiy and good boundaries to keep your DC safe. Do not be apologetic or get drawn into the emotional blackmail, victim stance or anything else. If he makes you a less good parent when he is around then this is bad (will be bad) for your baby and you will need to think about checks and balances (supervised contact outside your home etc).

Most of all make sure that you have things and people in place so that you NEVER have to rely on him...let any good, involved thing he does be a bonus that you accept joyfully. This way he will not be too powerful in your life...you will need all your emotions and strength for yourself and your little one.

Congratulations and good luck

Thank you.ok I will start keeping texts.i don't want it to lead to a court case :/ thanks for your advice and support.i have a brilliant family and living friends so won't need to rely on him for anything.i just wish he would decide if he is in or out,it gives me no confidence for the future when he is so up and down,and his aggression and the fact that he "doesn't want to be friends" when he does want contact makes me worry about what influence he will have an the baby-not a good one i don't think!!x

I would also tell your midwife what is going on if you havn't already. Do your friends and family in RL know everything? I was too embarassed at first to tell people what my exp was doing.
You have no control over what your exp does and doesn't do. You have to keep yourself safe and when DC arrives DC safe. My ex wanted to just take a couple of day old baby off with him miles away I suspect he was bluffing but that isnt the point - he had never met a single person regarding caring for a baby during the pregnancy, he refused to see the health visitor. He had nothing for a baby at his house. People like your exp suggest and do terrible things.
Glad you have support - I really would seek legal advice - what would you do if after DC is born he just wants to take the baby away with him alone? I wish I had thought this when I was pregnant, I never imagined that anyone would even suggest it. You say agression? how agressive? my exp got more abusive when I became pregnant - he hated I wasn't well. He then started to throw things around then threatened my physcially. Abuse does tend to get worse not better - be careful and keep posting if you need to - there are lot of wonderful people on here with lots of great advice. How your dp is acting is not the way a good father acts - i thought today will William do to Kate what my exp did to me a couple of days after I had given birth - and my exp did it not just because he didn't love me but because he is an abusive man and a bad father. I have had no choice but to go to court he took me I have to go. Get as much support now and forever and then you and your DC can have a wonderful time together stress free.

Verbally aggressive really,but the more frustrated he is getting with this situation (that we are definitely not getting together) I can just see steam rising and he is the door/wall punching type.he just swings so much from wanting to come to anti natal classes to not wanting any contact or anyone else to bring up his child (he is obsessed that I will get a new partner-I'm only three months pregnant!!!i don't know why he is thinking so far ahead!!!) he is worried about having the baby alone,so he wouldn't want to take a tiny baby-we have discussed that and him having it as a toddler and at mine when little.he also has no family support,so would be by himself with the baby.i think that all this behaviour and reaction is all to do with having no control over what is happening.he suggests that we should try again (it would be a complete disaster,obviously!!!) as he thinks that is what is best for the baby,as he is "such a traditionally guy with great morals" - as clearly demonstrated by his amazing commitment and maturity at how he is handling this situation hey... I wish I had a crystal ball.i know it is hard for any single dad who only has visits,and cant be the full time dad they had hoped to be,but I don't know why he is reacting like he is and so all over the place about what is happening to us x

Just lost reply grr - Ill try again
He could have lots of involement he knows that and you know that it is all hot air to try and control you. Try not to react back, it's difficult when you are hurting so much and want him to stop hurting you. Are you living apart? I would try to keep communication businesslike and via email/text - and just ask if he would like to attend x appointment on x - keep his reply and try not get drawn into anything he replies not related to that question. His feelings are his own to deal with. He is reacting like this because he is angry at you you are not doing what he wants you are not meeting his needs which he expects you to do - you said it yourself he feels he has no control - he has TOTAL control over himself and what he says and does. You have non over what he does only how to minimise the negative impact on you and DC when he or she arrives. Keep safe.

Thanks,ok business like.and no getting drawn into anything,thanks I agree and will do that from now.yeah I think it is a lot of hot air too.thanks.good night x

And no not living together now.hopefully it is him just adjusting to the situation.