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Original poster

Dad's rights - baby having operation

45 replies

AKP79 · 22/07/2013 21:43

I'm a single mum, my partner left when my son was 3.5 months and after a really messy period his dad is now having supervised contact every two weeks.

My son is 18 months old and due to have an operation soon and I'm waiting for the date to come through, which should be any day now. It's not a serious operation, but it will be under general and he needs it doing sooner rather than later. However, my ex has sent me a very direct text tonight saying that if the date for the operation comes through and it's due to take place when he's abroad on holiday then he doesn't give consent for it to take place.

Im wondering what rights he has to place those kind of demands?

Thanks

OP posts:

SwedishHouseMat · 22/07/2013 22:17

Agree with SirBoobAlot.

Change your number. Only communicate via a new email address - that way you can limit the contact you have with him and you can have an audit trail for every reasonable or unreasonable request he sends you.

nowahousewife · 22/07/2013 22:17

Both my DC's have had several surgical procedures, the hospital always run through the procedure and then ask you to sign the consent form. If I'm the one there I sign, if it's DH there he signs. They've never asked me for DH's permission or vice versa. I'd say if he's not there then there's nothing he can do about it.

You might have an argument on you hands when he gets back but he sy least DS will be ok.

LalyRawr · 22/07/2013 22:18

He could withdraw consent, but would have to go to court to stop the op from taking place.

Judge would then decide what was in the best interests of the child.

Any decent judge would laugh him out of court.

& as he would have to pay to do all of this, I'm presuming he is just trying to intimidate you.

IDontDoIroning · 22/07/2013 22:20

What a selfish twat. Because of course he has your sons best interests at heart doesn't he ooh wait if he did he and he was that worried he would be thinking about cancelling the holiday.

PrettyPaperweight · 22/07/2013 22:20

In my experience, hospitals, GPs and schools which have faced a legal challenge in the past tend to be a lot more careful when accepting parental consent - so for instance, they may ask on the admissions form for the details of everyone with PR for instance, which could flag a situation with the potential for disagreement between parents if there are different addresses, for instance.

Other hospitals seem quite blasé about it - until they are faced with a problem, then they tend to put tighter policies in place!

Smartiepants79 · 22/07/2013 22:22

I think as long as they have your parental consent it can go ahead. You would still have a very angry ex tho!

Original poster

AKP79 · 22/07/2013 22:26

I think I'm just going to wait and see what happens. If it clashes I'll call the hospital and explain the situation and go from there. I think I'm just allowing him to wind me up before I really need to!!

Thanks for all the advice though, I feel better than I did half an hour ago!!

OP posts:

PrettyPaperweight · 22/07/2013 22:29

smartie There have been cases where surgery hasn't gone as planned and the parent whose consent wasn't secured has pursued the Trust legally - claiming that the Drs did not have informed consent of the DCs parents as required by law.

I know some Trusts have paid out of court settlements in these cases - even 20 years ago before suing was as common as it is now!

There is some surgery which routinely require both parents consent by many Hospitals - circumcision, for instance.

Smartiepants79 · 22/07/2013 22:33

That's interesting pretty. What happens in cases of emergency?
I have always just presumed that one parents consent was enough!

Willdoitinaminute · 22/07/2013 22:44

You do not need joint consent, however he can object but I suspect that if the only reason for the objection is that it clashes with his holiday then it is unlikely to carry any weight.
Theoretically the medical professional guidance is to proceed with great caution but this advice usually applies when consent is withheld for elective surgery due to ethical or religious matters for example if one parent does not agree with the treatment. For example circumcision of baby boys for religious reasons.
I would contact your surgeon via secretary to ask if it would be an issue. Also if SS are involved have a chat with them. Putting your own pleasure/needs ahead of the health of your child tends to trigger red flags re safeguarding children.

PrettyPaperweight · 22/07/2013 22:52

smartie Emergency, life saving surgery is different - even if a disgruntled parent took the Hospital to court, it could be argued that the medical staff acted in the best interests of the DC.

It's becoming more common for schools, dentists etc to make these checks, too - unfortunately a few greedy people make it necessary. When my DD went on a school trip recently, the coach company insisted on copies of permission slips from both parents; apparently there has been a case where a NRP sued a company when his DD was in an accident while on a trip he hadn't given permission for!

It's usually the insurance companies that insist on all these extras.

Viviennemary · 22/07/2013 22:57

I agree with explaining this to the hospital. I can't see him having the power to delay an operation on a baby for such trivial selfish reasons. But I don't know. I'm sure the hospital will tell you. Or you could go and see your GP and discuss it with them. As if you needed this to worry about. Hope you get sorted out.

worley · 22/07/2013 23:09

Akp79 - my ds had a minor op a few months ago under a general anaesthetic. The hospital only required my signed consent. As ex dp does not live with us they only needed my consent as I have main pr.
coincidently exdp knew this operation was coming for 4 months and still booked a holiday to Mexico with his new gf. He delayed his holiday for 1 day to see ds round from his anaesthetic and then left.. Leaving me to have to take unpaid time off work as ds needed a week off school post op. ( ex was meant to share the week but new gf and holiday came first)

I'm assuming they won't need your ex consent if they didn't want mine. This was only 5 months ago too..

Original poster

AKP79 · 23/07/2013 01:44

Thanks worley that's good to know.

I replied to him earlier and just said - I will be in touch when I have a date. My only request of you is that you act in the best interests of DS rather than yourself. That was a big mistake! I've just woken from sleeping and checked the time to find he's replied with - With respect to the last sentence this is a principle we should both adopt going forward. My presence is in his best interests.

I'm so wound up now, all I've ever done for my son is act in his best interests. I put him before anyone and anything, and for him to suggest otherwise has really made me cross. I'm going to ignore him now because I refuse to be dragged into his petty behaviour, but seriously how dare he?!?

OP posts:

Ifcatshadthumbs · 23/07/2013 09:11

Yes ignore, don't get dragged into a discussion about it. Any further texts just keep repeating "will be in touch when I get the date"

Find out from the hospital the exact position on whether his signature is needed, if it isn't and the date falls whilst he is away I would keep it factual "this is the date I'm consenting to the operation going ahead on this date if you are not able to be present I understand" then I would do exactly nothing, let him seek legal advice if he's that bothered.

IDontDoIroning · 23/07/2013 09:30

So he would prefer your ds to wait and suffer with his medical condition so he can enjoy his holiday, and then "be present" when he actually has the operation.
So he thinks him being there is more in ds's best interest than possibly having the op sooner and resolving his condition.

What a self centred dick.

DontmindifIdo · 23/07/2013 09:37

the only reply I'd give would be: "We can discuss options when date is through. slightly pointless arguing about something that might not be an issue." He's picking a fight that doesn't need to be fought now. But do'nt cancel just because he's away, once you have the date, you can explain you don't need his permission, but if he wants to be there, then he can cancel his holiday.

SignoraStronza · 23/07/2013 18:06

Just keep on telling him that you haven't got a date through yet, even if you have. Then go ahead and take your dc for the the operation and let him know afterwards. "Oh, there was a cancellation and they called him in at the last minute".

Honestly, don't sweat it. He can't do anything about it.

Caramelbutthorn · 31/07/2013 06:41

Surely if he loved his child he would put his son's welfare above his holiday and not go away should the op clash. If he really loved his child he would want that operation as soon as possible and wouldn't want to delay it so he could selfishly go away. He needs to sort his priorities out.

starlight1234 · 31/07/2013 18:10

my son was in hospital a few years ago..he was admitted via Gp..there are notes on our GP notes informing them address and information are confidential... I had to sign consent for medical treatment and wasn't asked about DS father...

he found out after I spent 4 days in hospital with son very poorly and said I would of liked to visit..he simply wanted to strut his stuff but son only wanted mummy anyway...he was too poorly to care about anyone else

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