Considering becoming a single parent by choice ....do or don't

[clarabella1976]

Hi,
I've recently turned 37 & 6 mths ago I came out of a relationship that I can only describe as being a disaster (a year on/off & he turned out to be a pathological liar among his many other redeeming qualities! )
However I have been aware for the last couple of years that my body clock is now ticking faster and that my window of opportunity fertility wise is limited. I have always been of the mindset that if I fall pregnant by mistake then I would go ahead with the pregnancy, providing it was viable. I have a strong network of family & friends and I have a job, own house & car.
I am now giving serious thought to the idea of of donor insemination. I have looked on the various websites but ideally I would be looking to find a male with whom to co-parent with.
Has anybody else out looked into this and gone through with this? if so, what are your experiences thoughts on deciding to be a single parent?
Any feedback, but no abuse thx, very much appreciated :)

Do it. None of my pre conceived ideas around being a single parent proved accurate.
However I was a nanny for many years so was used to babies and children. It seems many parents freak out about the actual "looking after" part and find someone else's opinion/ alternative strategy helpful.

Not having a partner who loves the child like you is probably the hardest thing. Luckily I found someone who does early doors so that might not be issue for you either.

You can't predict the the future and you only have one life.

My friend has made the exact same choice - she didn't find a man she wanted to have children with and decided she wanted to be a parent more than being in a relationship without children.
It has been hard of course at some points but no harder than other single parents have to cope with. She couldn't be more secure in her choices, she has the addition of her wonderful children in her life and has no regrets.

Things I would say are -
With fertility treatment you run a higher risk of multiples -in fact friend had twins- this piles the pressure on. Obviously a normal insemination is different as no drugs but worth bearing in mind, as fertility can surprise us all.
Money - obviously as well as having no co-parent which can be very stressful, there is no financial input in the form of a partner or CSA. With the effect on your career in the short and long term are you sure you have covered all your bases?
Be prepared to face critics, and harsh ones, family that seemed supportive have dropped my friend and apparently were only humouring her on the basis she didn't actually do it.
It can be devisive and as much as it is appalling behaviour and shouldn't happen you may well have to face it alone.
Relationships - you won't be single any more, you will be a parent and dating with children is a different kettle of fish.

There are lots of downsides to single parenting but frankly there can be many to parenting full stop. If you have your answers and plans and do have a back up plan if people don't necessarily come through for you then why not?
I would say though - you have to really want it, this is not about being a lone parent but a parent. I'm sure your fertility window comment was short hand but if you are being purely pragmatic then be aware just how much your life may get blown apart, because it will just be you as well then even more on your shoulders.

But there is absolutely no reason you can't make this choice and have a wonderful child and make a great life together, or children. No reason at all to not do it 'just' because it will be lone parenting.

job own house and car is good.
still wouldn't recommend it tbh.

Hi,
thx v.much for the feedback so far :)
what I meant with the window of opportunity fertility wise being limited was that I am v.much aware that my fertility is on the decrease and that I need to act sooner rather than later as I want v.much to have a child and my worst nightmare would be to end up childless.
At the moment I am very much at the investigation stage. I have spoken to my mother who was initially opposed but can also see the logic. I have also spoken with several friends (with & without children) who at first were naturally surprised but supportive and again can see the logic.
Dont get me wrong, i'm sure like everybody else my ideal would be to be with a suitable partner, but if I wait for such a person to come along then I might in the process deprive myself of having the child I so very want.

One important thing science has given women is the ability to chose to live their life the way they want to when it comes to children. If you want to have children then go ahead and have them. A woman right to choose goes both ways

Without a shadow of doubt it's the best decision I ever made. I'm 38 and have a 2yo DD. She is utterly fabulous. I work 3.5 days a week so she goes to nursery and spends time with other kids and I also run my own business to make sure we have enough money to enjoy lots of holidays together and a good standard of living. I live close to my parents which really helps, some days I need a hand with the practical stuff, bot otherwise we do just fine.

Not a day since she was born have I ever regretted having her. I love watching her grow and blossom into this amazing child, full of warmth and love and cheekiness.

I wholeheartedly suggest you go for it. If you do a bit of research, you'll find plenty of other donor mums out there to network with. There's loads of us.

thx v.much everybody for all the support & advice so far xx
queenofthepirates - do you mind me asking how you went about finding a suitable donor please? :)

You should find lots of answers here www.dcnetwork.org/solo-mums

ta v.much queenofthepirates, very much apprceiated x

Well it wasn't exactly a sperm donor as I was with ex for 3 years but tbh it may as well have been. In the end I realised I wanted my daughter soooooo much more than I needed him (broke up as soon as I found out I was pregnant...:0) Never ever regretted my decision to be a 'lone' parent. Actually feel lucky that I didn't have to 'manage' a man in proceedings and the time that we have is so much more special. Not a day goes past that I don't feel incredibly lucky to have her. (Am late thirties...). I am lucky I have home, job car suppose materially this all helps but reality too is that you don't necessarily need lots of support just the right support...

I actually have lots of friends now who have swallowed the myth that you'll find a man, settle down have babies etc not realising that the world has moved on and so have everybody's circumstances. I was determined not to sacrifice what I wanted just because it didn't fit into the way things have been done in the past....Especially now we earn our own money etc etc. If men don't want us to 'trap them' then what other option is there but to have a new way...? I have seen my friends in horrible situations where the men know how desperate they are to have children but won't 'commit'. It is a rather unequal power balance which I always resented...Hated the idea that I might 'trap' a man (whatever that means!)so feel pretty liberated that I now have my beautiful baby and in fact that she is out of the equation when it comes to my love life-what I mean by this is obviously she is my absolute number one but also that she will not be subject to the emotional blackmail that sometimes goes on between couples when children are involved. Even the oft used idea 'I'm staying because of the children'how dodgy is that?Very happy that my child will never hear such 'self-sacrificing' or witness any other negativity between her parents because I just won't have it...Not for everyone I know but for me, personally, this is the best choice.

Good luck!

thank u russetbella1000 for your input x
Me & a good (open minded thank goodness) friend were discussing the idea of single parent by choice last week & we both agreed that in theory it could be very similar to the situation a woman could find herself in after splitting with the father of the child. My sister found herself pregnant at 15 after splitting with the dad & despite a positive DNA & an open invitation to make contact he has chosen not to do so & instead ignore his son for 19 yrs which makes me fume just thinking about it! But anyway shes gone on to meet & marry a really nice bloke who took her son on as her own from the age of 4, to the point that when asked, my nephew dosn't express the slightest interest in contacting his father. He is simply of the mindset that if his father couldn't be bothered then why should he?
In my case, the route I am considering pursuing means that the man involved actively want to father a child and hopefully that they will want to be involved to some extent in the childs life, but crucially I will be making all the key decisions and making sure that any child of mine has the best possible life.
This way I also get some control over the choice of the other person involved in the conception of the child. I decide who I want to do the deed, I will have knowledge of their background, how they look, their intellect & medical history.
I think times are changing, women with & without children already are waking up to the fact that if their relationship has ended or if they are single then they don't need to be part of a couple either to continue to be a good parent or to concieve a very much wanted child :D xx

Best decision I ever made. For me, I knew it was the right thing to do andI would regret it all my life if I didn't try.

Of course, lone parenthood isn't easy, but parenthood isn't easy full stop. And the rewards have made up for the hard times a hundred fold.

I told very few people of my plans before it became reality. But I have had no negative reactions. In fact, most reactions have been - good on you, well done, you must be a very strong person, etc. Or more detailed questions as either they or someone they know are considering it! My parents dote on their grandchildren as do the rest of the family.

My recommendation would be to do what is right for you. And if you do decide to go for it, don't let the naysayers put you off.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.