I Hate Being a mum

[firstthingsfirst]

Hi,
I've never messaged on here before but I feel really low and I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this. I suppose I just want to hear that I'm not the only one feeling like this..
It sounds so drastic to say I hate being a mum, and of course I love my daughter (she's 2.5 years old) but I really hate my life. I feel totally stuck and trapped. My marriage fell apart last year and it was a massive shock having to deal with my daughter alone. She's very quick tempered and volatile and sensitive. Most of the time I can deal with it calmly but there are moments when I completely lose it. This morning for example, she got out of bed and spent the first hour we were awake just screaming and whining at me. Nothing I did was right, nothing I gave her was right. She hit me, she persistently did the things I asked her not to do, and eventually I ended up in tears.

I really hate being a mum, I hate the fact that I can't even go to the toilet on my own, I hate the fact that if I don't do what she wants the second she wants it she screams at me.

Of course there are nice moments and I love her unconditionally, but there are also moments when I really regret ever having her. She goes to nursery two days a week and to her dad most weekends but I still feel suffocated by her. I feel like I can't breathe. I don't really enjoy playing with her, I find it really boring. It's not as if I was some high flying professional before I had her, ironically I used to work with special needs children. I just feel like I can't escape the screaming and whining.

This will probably be very alien to most mums who cherish the time they spend with their offspring. The guilt I feel over these feelings is immense.
Is there anyone out there that feels anything close to this? Tell me I'm not going mad... please!

What do you do for yourself?

I think most mothers feel like that at times as caring for a small child can be overwhelming - especially if you have to deal with all the dreary crap by yourself.

Please come onto the "has parenting affected your mental health" thread in parenting. You are so not alone in this.

I may come back with more practical advice later but I have to go to work now... Check out the thread. It really isn't just you. X

I didn't want to read and run OP. Someone with better comments will be along soon but I know that you are not alone in your feelings and I can only imagine how the breakdown of your marriage has hurt you too.

Please. Fight that urge to compare your SEN job to your current job. Firstly, your SEN children went home every day. You got recovery time, good sleep, support in the workplace and we all know that children behave differently (usually better) when they're with adults who aren't their parents and in a school environment.

The screaming and whining is not your fault.
Give her a choice. (Which cereal/ fruit/ activity) Follow it through. When she tantrums because it's just not right just make sure she's safe and then ignore it.

Make sure she's safe. And take yourself away for a break. You are a good mum. Make time for yourself when she's at nursery. Have a coffee and read a book. Go sit on the swings. Have a sleep!!!

You are a great mum.

So you have any support nearby OP? Family/friends? X

Loads of people feel just like this. I know I do. I have a supportive DP, a great job, DS is in nursery or family care all week, yet I still crave space and time. I think the toddler stage is truly the most demanding, my DS is up in my face pretty much all the time, and wrangling him in this heat is an almighty pain in the arse.

But he will grow. Just think, you can sit and drink Pimms while he takes himself off to the toilet. I know, I don't believe it will ever happen either. But it will.

Thank you for your responses. The lack of support network is an issue. My parents help all they can but they live 2 hours away. I don't drive either so getting to them is difficult (although possible on the train). I have friends but they all have their own lives and I hate feeling like a burden on people. I don't want our friendships to be defined by me leaning on them constantly. I feel like I'm putting things off constantly because I'm waiting for a time when I feel able to deal with it.. I don't think that is ever going to happen. I know I need to go back to work for my own sanity but I can't find the headspace to start applying and interviewing for jobs. She has totally worn me out.

Dear FTF, you are not going mad. You actually sound exhausted -dealing with a challenging 2.5 old really can suck the life force from you and you are doing it alone.

People will be along with much better advice but I would say:

(a) don't beat yourself up about it but DO make a plan. She will be at school in 18 months time. What do you WANT to be doing then?
(b) She won't be 2.5 forever so this stage will pass. Mine are now older and aside from regular teenage strops are much more fun to be with.

(c) As SoupDragon says think about how you spend your time when she is at nursery and her dads. What do you do for yourself - do you make time to allow yourself a treat and take a breather? Even if you have very little cash there are things to do for free/little cost. I had sunk into the depths of despair so just spent time indulging myself in feeling miserable until it was pointed out that there was a lot I could fix. Couch potato to 5k did it for me and is free!
(d) Deal with the whining and screaming - this SAVED my relationship with my oldest very very whiny DS. I can't remember the name of the book I read but, in short, the advice was that any time there was whining or screaming I came down to eye level and calmly while biting back my bad temper told him that I could only help him if he spoke to me in a nice voice so I could understand what he wanted/what the problem was and then waited for a response. Also praised him when a request was made in a nice way the first time. I have to say it took about two months to bed in but by the age of four he had turned into a fully signed up member of the "non-whining" police and used to tell his siblings, cousins that whining wasn't permitted in our house!

Hope that you have a calm and restful weekend

I work full time so only get a couple of hours a day with my dd, but even then, sometimes when she's in a whiney mood, I have to look to the heavens and pray for patience, patience, patience. It doesn't come naturally to me at all.

My advice is to start leaning on your friends. Seriously. That is what (good) friends are for. When dd was born, we went through a really rocky patch - dh working all hours and I was all over the place. We have no family support, but our friends were amazing, bringing food, doing the washing, holding my hand.... I don't know how we'd have got through it without them. I would absolutely say that for about 6 months, our friendships were defined by me needing them... but then things got better, DH changed jobs, the baby got easier and I emerged from the fog of it all. The friends that helped me through it are the people I am now closest to in the whole world, and I know one day I'll be able to be there for them like they were for me.

Generally I think people like to help, but they don't know how to offer, or they don't know you need it (they're all probably saying how amazing you are for coping with everything!)

Work out what you need - a night off, some help in the evenings, whatever it is and then ask someone who you think might be able to help. Seriously, just say "i'm having a tough time, I could use a night off with a g&t, is there any chance you could have dd for a couple of hours/babysit/whatever".

Where abouts in the country are you?! If you're local, I'll help!

Could you maybe split care with her dad more evenly, like 50/50? I'm a working single parent and after a week off I'm happy to get back to work, I just know I'd go insane if I were a full time sahm and my son is quite an easy child.
Take heart in the fact that this phase won't last forever, once they start nursery/school you do get a bit of your life back.
On a practical level I find getting out and about every day really helps, ds needs loads of exercise and if they're happy playing they tend not to moan too much.

I know exactly how you feel OP, DS is 3 and I have semi-regular points where I just can't take it anymore. And that's with a DP, but he works full time, so the bulk of childcare lands squarely on my shoulders.

Agree that you should lean on your friends. A good friend will help however they can, listen to you moan and not judge. The ones who don't are clearly not such good friends. I know my lot are a godsend - they visit regularly, occupy DS so I can do some housework, drag me out of the house when I feel low and need cheering up, and not once have they complained about it. And they're all childless,they have no frame of reference!

Don't neglect your own interests. We don't all morph into perfect mothers who do macramé and bake cookies the minute we give birth. You are still a human being, still entitled to a life outside of parenting. Try to find the time to do something just for yourself, it really does help.

If you're around London, I'm always up for a coffee and a chat. You're not alone.

When my son was 1 and a half I thought I would go mad

nothing original to add but just want you to know you are not alone in feeling like this, I used a lot of nursery time when my son was 2.5. Doing it on your own is really hard-but it will get better,

I second what YoniBottsBumgina said. The mental health thread in parenting is very cathartic and supportive . It's not only us LP's who struggle with parenting.

Just wanted to say thanks for your responses. It has definitely helped. You can convince yourself that you're the only person to ever feel like this and you're a terrible mother. I have to start giving myself a break and accepting that there are going to be bad days. I will look at the mental health thread. Thanks for the tip! :)