EXP being a twunt regards access

[Lozislovely]

Hi, I move out of the marital home in 10 days time, 6 months post separation (had to wait for house to sell).

I have DS x 2 - 14 and 16.

I have verbally agreed maintenance with XP which is about £80 a month less than CSA calculations but bases on (at the time we spoke about it) him having the boys every other weekend and a night during the week. He works nights but according to his rota this works out well.

Fast forward to last night and I ask him to let me know when he expects the every other weekend to start following the move.

His response was 'well its up to the kids isn't it'. My response was that as a father it is down to him to keep contact with the children regularly and in addition the maintenance does not cover my costs if he only expects to see them once a month.

This was met witha big huff and he walked out of the room.

I don't want to play total bitch as he'll use that as ammo with the kids but I'm at a loss of what to do. I appreciate that the boys will have their own lives to lead but surely XP has got to be a bit more proactive here and at least start with good intentions even if the visits dwindle down over time?????

Sadly you can't make him see them - he can take you to court to see them but it doesn't work the other way round. I would go through the CSA for maintenance but you may end up with nothing as they are not very good. He should be more pro active but that is his responsibility and it will affect his relationship with his DC which is his business - all you can do is concentrate on your own new wonderful life and your own relationship with your DC.

In some ways your fortunate that he recognises that they have a right to do their own thing. My ds is 11, we divorced when he was 2 and ended up with a court order stipulating every friday and eow plus 4 weeks holiday. Ex pushes this to the max and ds is 'not allowed' to do any clubs or activities in 'his' time. Be careful what you wish for! Perhaps he can take them to activities etc rather than a set eow arrangement, which would still cut your costs down.

Thanks for your replies and I know you're both right - it just makes me so freaking angry. He's playing 'Super Dad' at the minute and I know I'll have to deal with the fallout when he gets his bachelor life back and the boys don't figure in it.

His loss

Up to the kids, my... either the non resident parent shows he cares by putting the effort to see them, or he accepts that the children will stop caring about him pretty soon. I think this should be even more the case with teenagers who start enjoying spending more time with their friends.

With regards to maintenance, the less he see them, the more he pays, but bear in mind that no matter how much or how little he pays, you will need to make some adjustments to your spending habits.

CSA is useless at enforcing the payments, so keep civil to him, that's the best you can do for him no to reduce/stop paying (yeah... I know, it shouldn't be like this and blah blah blah, but last time I checked about half of the non resident parents do not pay a penny towards maintenance)