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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

WWYD - does this come under "parenting style?"

15 replies

Nacster · 04/07/2013 13:59

XH and I agree that we do not interfere with each other's parenting, obviously we each do things differently.

However, he has been in a 1-bed flat for 2 years, and apparently cannot afford to move.

We have 3 kids, a DD aged 10, and 2 younger boys.

I think it is inappropriate for them to still all be in one bedroom.

He is currently pushing for divorce (been sep. for nearly 4 years) but I am refusing to do it without solicitors until access/ support and mediation are agreed.

Can I reasonably ask for him to change sleeping arrangements?

OP posts:

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 04/07/2013 16:07

What is he supposed to do if he literally cannot afford to move though? When we were little, we all shared a room at my dads at older ages than that because my dad couldn't afford a bigger place. All we did was sleep in there so it wasn't a massive privacy issue or anything. Maybe if you can think of a way he could change it, then you could ask him to do that.

NatashaBee · 04/07/2013 16:10

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAyoniNickname · 04/07/2013 17:02

I shared a room with my dad on contact.weekends as he didn't have another room. It was fine. I'm not sure what else he can do.

How often do they sleep there? Because I could only see it as a problem if its half the time.

purpleroses · 04/07/2013 17:17

My 13 year old DS and 9 year old DD share the living room at their dad's whilst he shares the one bedroom with his DW and toddler. Not ideal but they do manage. Unless your DCs and really unhappy about it I think you'd be best to stay out of it.

If they're feeling modest they can change under a douvet or in the bathroom.

titchy · 04/07/2013 17:29

I suppose he could sleep on the sofa and three kids share the bedroom - have you suggested that?

Original poster

Nacster · 04/07/2013 17:59

They go there 4 nights a fortnight. 3 kids in the bedroom and Dad + sometimes GF on the sofabed in the front room.

Complicating factor is that DS1 has ASD and can get quite aggressive at times, solved at home by time out and calm down time. Here, DD and DS2 can get out of his way quickly, from what they've said I don't think that's the case there.

DD is definitely teetering on the edge of puberty, and I just don't think it's reasonable to force her to play and sleep in a room with the boys. She has expressed discomfort at home - e.g, won't splash about in the paddling pool in just pants any more, locks the door while showering so the boys can't get in to use the loo. I don't think it's inappropriate for a 10 year old to feel that she needs privacy.

I suppose I'll just leave it a while longer, until she starts protesting. I actually haven't mentioned it at all - it's taken a long while to get to this amount of access so I don't want to jeopardise it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nacster · 04/07/2013 18:01

Re: the affordability issue, it doesn't make a great deal of sense to me, as flats in this town are about the same price for 1 and 2 bed places. My 3 bed house is only £15 a week dearer than his 1 bed flat.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 04/07/2013 18:06

Are you on good enough terms with him to have a friendly chat about it that isn't just ordering him to move house? For instance, could you offer suggestions about allowing DD to change in the bathroom or putting up a screen in the room or something?

And if he can't afford to move, he can't afford to move. It's not just the extra rent (and if you are on a low income, £15 a week is a noticeable difference) it's the costs of moving: the need to find a new deposit and rent up front, paying to hire a van if you haven't got a mate with a big car, finding a property that you are allowed to rent (if on a low income or HB)...

CatInWellies · 04/07/2013 18:07

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CatInWellies · 04/07/2013 18:08

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Original poster

Nacster · 04/07/2013 18:20

SGB It's one of those fragile amicability sort of situations.

I'm still pandering, still walking on eggshells.

TBH I did have a terribly civilised bit of a row with him when he moved into the flat (2 years after the split, he'd been with family until then) because I didn't think it would meet his needs for long. It was his choice at the time. But I do know it was/ is none of my business.

He's not on any HB or benefits - national average sort of salary, from which he contributes the CSA minimum to the kids. The end of the marriage left us both debt free, but that was 4 years ago, so I don't know his position now (nor should I.)

He won't even take medical advice from me - DS1's meds etc, if I do anything that he perceives as "nagging" then they get lost or forgotten. I think he still sees stuff as being about "us," and our relationship, when in fact, there is no "us," only the kids.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 05/07/2013 11:14

Why are you dragging your feet about mediation, then? That might be the best way to address this situation: see a solicitor, book mediation, start the process etc and then you get to air your concerns in front of a neutral third party. I don't think you are being over-fussy in that it's true your DD will need more privacy but being able to move house is not something your XP can necessarily control, and if it's not possible then the two of you will have to find another solution to the problem.

Original poster

Nacster · 05/07/2013 11:29

I'd like to go to mediation; he doesn't want to involve solicitors. I'm happy to do it without solicitors after mediation, but he doesn't even want that level of professional input.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nacster · 05/07/2013 11:29

I suppose I could go to mediation alone and use it as a sounding board to see where I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 05/07/2013 12:17

One option you could offer to him would be having them a bit on different days - ie your DD one day, and the boys on a different day. But you might make your own life more complicated by doing that, and it depends how well your DCs get on and whether they like being together.

tbh - if your DD hasn't said that it's a problem for her, then I would assume that it isn't. And if she does say it's a problem the best thing is if you can help her tell her dad this. I've helped my DD (9) to write her dad a note setting out why she wasn't happy sharing the bedroom with him, his DW and the baby - and she now shares the living room with DS instead. DS is definitely an age when he needs privacy - but he has a shower every evening and changes into PJs then. DD needed my help to tell her dad how she felt, but as the note was clearly from her, my ex had to deal with her and not me about it. I think your concerns are reasonable, but it's your ex who needs to decide what to do. If he can't or won't move then you would be unreasonable to tell him he can't see his DCs or can't have them overnight as a result, esp if the DCs don't have a problem with it.

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