Contact with dad and expectations?

[MamaFab]

Hello everyone! My LO's father has recently come back into our lives (baby is six months). In the last six weeks he has seen baby twice, once for an hour and once for two hours. He has given me £100 in cash.

We have yet to establish a formal agreement on contact and finances and I need some advice in this. Ex has a habit of saying a lot of the right things but not following through with any of it, and he's already mentioned he might be off overseas to work in October. He is no longer in the same city full time, but seems to come back regular.

I have no idea how much contact I should allow, or how much money I should expect and when? I'm also struggling to manage my expectations in terms of his interest in his son. Should I expect him to regularly ask after baby? Should I expect no interest in between visits??

Any advice or personal experiences will be gratefully received! I have no idea how to manage this! Thanks x

Hi Mamafab

...And I'm sure you are :0)...Just wanted to say well done and while I don't know everything about your situation, I'm in a similar position in that father decided he wanted to be involved after my baby was born too. He does pay maintenance but contact has been more tricky to arrange because it wasn't on his terms....

And basically every decision I make I just ask myself 'is it in her best interests?'

What tends to happen is that you feel you ought to do this or that and quite frankly since we do not have a choice in looking after our babies (they do and exercise that choice whenever it suits them-I find) you need to do what is best for you.

I think at the beginning I thought I ought to 'make her available when he could see her' but then when it was inconvenient for him-I would get frustrated.... I couldn't spend an hour without her and I couldn't understand when given time to see her that he could just decide that he was busy. That was a massive realisation that no-one, not even her father, loves her as much as me and in fact I would no longer try to make arrangements which suited him....Therefore, please do not feel that you ever have to do anything for him especially since your baby is so young . Baby's needs come before everyone else's and your needs are more important than his-that's your prerogative as main carer.

Contact with father is important but the well-being of the baby is paramount. Therefore, if the father cannot commit to regular contact (which suits YOU since you put your baby's best interests at heart) then that might be something you can think about in the future when he is more able to commit to a set time. Sporadic meetings might be beneficial for him (and indeed he'll then be controlling that) & make him feel like he's doing his duty but positive regular and dedicated time is in my opinion far better and if that's something he cannot do then leave it for now. Baby needs stability first as do you. Being the father is not enough, he needs to act it too...

He needs to know that he must fit into your lives. Yes, you will facilitate wherever possible but you are not responsible for the relationship he has with your LO. That's for him to do. So many times I hear that women feel so worried that they are not managing the father's relationship with the child when at the end of the day it is the men who couldn't face the responsibility and allowed the mother to shoulder everything-that's my observation and experience anyway. I would always support my Lo's father seeing her but only once he can offer her absolute regular contact even if it was once a month but willy nilly arrangements I think are disrespectful to both LO and you and LO's family unit.

With regard money you could look up the CSA calculator to see what he should pay (it's relative to income) but please do not feel grateful about this but be as pragmatic as possible where this is concerned. Maybe acknowledge the £100 as partial payment for whatever you are due. Could he arrange a direct debit or does he want you to pursue through CSA? Maybe ask him that by letter/email so you have it documented. I am very business like with my LO's dad. I email only in emergencies, directing his replies them into a folder which I attend to when I am able....This means I'm free to make my own decisions and arrangements wholly in the best interests of my daughter with no emotional issues involved.

And of course maintenance is NOT dependent on access!! He must pay maintenance, it is the law. Annoyingly though, while we think nothing of looking after our babies 24/7 and pay for their every need without a second thought...Some men think we ought to be grateful for this contribution....You need to keep strong for the sake of your beautiful baby. Sorry if I've come across hard but for me this works and I am honestly happier then I could ever have imagined having had my lovely little girl and being in the fortunate position to make every single decision alone is actually the best thing ever! Though as a 'lone' parent you sometimes feel you shouldn't be enjoying it so much...:0)

russett you put so much so well. The issue of managing the relationship is often overlooked and a very, very good point. Contact per se is not what this subject can ever be about.

Thank you so much for the advice. Since posting, things have developed some what. I've discovered he has not told his family about our son (he told me he had), that his work abroad is actually a move abroad to be with his girlfriend he has tried to hide from me, and that he has in fact been lying about a lot of things. I've decided it's best to tell him to leave us alone until he can commit to his son as I don't think there is any point otherwise. I feel he is being cowardly and manipulative, and possibly just being around to ease his own guilt. I don't think he will ever be a good role model for our son and his presence will just do more harm than good. U are right that his relationship with his son is his own responsibility, and as mum, I'm doing the right thing protecting my son from a person who will never really care about him the way he should. It's sad, but better in the long run I think.

mama get as much as you can in writting from him - from my experience he may come back at a later date when his new girlfriend dumps him and he may attempt to rewrite history and say you were just refusing contact and so he want away because he was feeling depressed and low. Please try and get him to put something in writing to you - you may need it. You are trying to do what is best for your DS. I would seek someprofessional legal advice as soon as possible.

Good idea. Il try and get something in writing, and see how willing he is to commit to something more structured. Thank you :)

Hi Mamafab (& betterthanever :0)

Not got much time this eve so won't write another essay but sounds like you're making great decisions for yourself and baby on your own. I totally agree with Betterthanever when she says there he may well attempt to rewrite history...There was some 'hedging of bets' where my own ex was concerned but I was determined that nothing would ever be hidden again and once baby was born a new environment of openness had to be reached. I won't go into the ins and outs of my situation but fact is he tried to conceal my pregnancy from his ex (!) because for our 3 year relationship he could not be honest and did not want his 6 year old daughter to find out about us. In the end I ended it as I'd had enough of the situation (a week before I found out I was pregnant ). Anyway it was clear that he was angry that I would dare to have the baby on my own but more than this he was pissed that I was going to 'jeopardise' his 'relationship' with his ex because now I was having his baby ...!!..According to him she never got over him going and always wanted her unit. God if only I'd have known I would have sent him back to her with a bow! I actually felt guilty and like I'd ruined their relationship even though they had been finished and we had been with each other a while....Anyway all really boring....I very naively thought we ought to all act like adults now once my baby was born and since my daughter had a half sister but fact is they just couldn't and only wanted to accept my baby as the result of daddy's madness/depression etc (my ex used all of this for the reason he couldn't cope for whole of my pregnancy-I found it pretty funny in the end) for which he was now sorry...Which I found pretty weird and definitely no place for my baby.Oh and I think he found god too (this is what he said when he resumed contact-hilarious) Ok sorry going on a bit I know...

Anyway where I am going is that I am under no illusions that men lie(they sometimes call it damage limitation), many do seem genuinely scared of truth and often just keep running till options run out...(sadly many women allow this, make excuses for them blah di blah) I can never understand this but I have come to accept it. What I now do is never rely on their honesty but instead be as honest I can with myself with every decision I make for my daughter. I don't feel guilty atm that he is not seeing her. He was unable to keep to a schedule. That will be going around in his mind (or maybe it wont) but I cannot waste energy thinking about it. He could be haunted by that every day or never think about it but he is the only one who can change it.

In the meantime me and my gorgeous one live every day very happily. I can't speak for him.

Soooooooo you are right, don't look too far in the future just enjoy the precious days you get to have with your beautiful son. He will be great! I know it's hard not to say 'it's sad' etc but I am really determined not to feel this for my daughter. I honestly believe if she is happy and secure and doesn't see her mummy sad for her 'because she hasn't got a daddy around' she'll be the happy girl I want her to be. I often think it's society who create this myth of 'poor children of the single parent' and of course some children are very hurt when parents split etc but what we feel as children is often just what we think we ought to feel or what adults suggest we feel when maybe we should just ask the children themselves from happy single parent families how they feel...I'd like to think they feel good and proud as every child deserves to feel whatever their 'unit' looks like.
hmmmm sorry another essay...

All the best

russet again makes some very good points and this is the bottom line for me too: What I now do is never rely on their honesty but instead be as honest I can with myself with every decision I make for my daughter. we are only responsible for our own thoughts and actions and it is these we must think about.
and agree with this I often think it's society who create this myth of 'poor children of the single parent' I made the effort to read some of the research - I concluded they are many variables which effect outcomes for children both in intact relationships and when parents are seperated. Absent parents per se are not the single nor main cause of bad outcomes for children. Poverty is.

Thanks Betterthanever always reassuring to hear that what I think/ feel rings true for others too :0))Sometimes I just want to rage at newspaper headlines but more often I just smile to myself-knowing that my reality is far-removed from the lazy conclusions they attempt to make.

I will keep promoting the very positive experience I have of being a 'whole' parent to my little girl & challenge negative assumptions wherever I can. Agree that poverty is a significant factor and indeed children who have witnessed abuse etc between two warring parents may well be more vulnerable....Children will have experienced lots of different situations before and after they are categorised into the 'one parent-more usually single mother' box. Arguably, many single mothers may even perpetuate the idea that their unit is 'weaker' by them themselves 'idolising the male'...this message is then passed on to their children....etc. Ultimately I don't really believe in male female roles I just believe in human beings being good role models for children some will be male, some female...

Me too russet everything you have said.