I don't really know where to start.
My son's Dad and I didn't have an easy relationship, but while I was pregnant I talked to him about an affair I'd had with a friends boyfriend before we got together, and everything became a nightmare, he spat in my face, poured a bottle of beer over me, grinding the bottle into my head, demanded I have an abortion and described in detail how he would kill me if he found I had cheated on him (I've never considered it). He calmed down after a couple of weeks, but continued to call me a worthless slut, etc. eventually I said I was going to move home to have the baby, we were abroad, and he left to look for work elsewhere. In spite of everything I thought it would be best for him and my son if he was involved in his life and so he stayed with my family and I for 2 months and was present at the birth.
My son's now 3 months old, and I've stayed with my parents who have been completely wonderful and he's moved across the country to work. He doesn't like to stay here so I've been flying down to stay with his family (who are lovely) so he can spend time with his son. He pays for the flights. We've just come back from 10 days there, and I'm so unhappy. Whenever we were alone together he would shout and tell me how awful I am and how I've ruined his life because I don't want to be with him (I can't bear my son growing up thinking our relationship is a good model) - he wants to move to New Zealand and for me to come with him. I said I would but that I wouldn't live with him and that I would give it a year and if I couldn't be happy there I would leave - I don't even want to go but it seems unfair to take his son away. If he doesn't I made plans to move to a town where I have friends, and I have the means to buy a little house and set up as a childminder to support us (son and me) He keeps bringing up this (awful, I know awful) mistake I made 3 years ago, and tells me I ruined everything by going to stay with my family, that my decision making skills are terrible, that I'm a stupid little btch, that I'm a selfish c**... In the car to the airport he shouted the whole 2 hours and I couldn't get away. He says he'll make sure my son knows the truth about me and he'll hate me.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to use my child as a way to hurt him, but it doesn't seem right that I have to face this, even though I know I deserve some of it and I know he's angry because he can't spend enough time with his son. I also am worried if I don't do these visits he'll insist he has him for longer periods and I'll have to stop breastfeeding, which I know seems like a stupid thing to worry about, and also that he'll spend all his time telling our son how worthless I am.
Less importantly he says he can't afford to give us any money, and say that as I have savings and am staying with my parents we don't need anything. He's very unhappy because he says he's skint, but in the past 3 months I know he's spent over 1500 on a holiday and hundreds more on fishing gear, plus plenty on beer and cigarettes. I really want to keep away from courts for our sons sake, but my savings are (slowly) depleting and it doesn't seem fair. I had to put £30 petrol in his car yesterday to get to the airport as he didn't have enough money.
I also feel pathetic. I'm an intelligent, educated woman from a wonderfully supportive family. How did I get everything so wrong?
Thank you for your time.