So. Hello. I'm pretty new here but wanted to gauge some opinions on my ExH and the contact he has with our two DC. Whilst I understand the principles about making the children available for contact and the importance of them maintaining a good relationship with both parents, I have officially reached the end of my tether with his inability to stick to the agreement we made.
I think a little background is important so here goes, this may be rather long by the time I've finished. ExH and I were married for nearly 10 years and have 2 DC, current ages 8 and 5. We split up some 2 years ago, fairly acrimonious, fair to say fault on both sides and the split was for the best. Things hadn't been right for a couple of years so I think we were both relieved to call it a day, however there was an amount of water under the bridge and therefore it was hard to maintain a decent relationship for the children's sake. We managed to be just about civil for a few months, but then when I entered into a new relationship he became increasingly nasty and it's now at the point we don't speak at all, and do all communication about the DC via email / text message.
When we first separated we agreed on a contact schedule as follows: one midweek overnight plus alternating weekend nights (one week Friday night and all day Saturday, the following week Saturday night and all day Sunday). This schedule was suggested by him as he was reluctant to have them for entire weekends so wanted to avoid the EOW scenario that appears to be 'standard'. He said it was because he was moving into a small one bedroom flat and hence he didn't want to sleep in the lounge for 2 nights running (while they shared his bedroom). I agreed as seemed fair enough.
ExH has a day job during the week and then does some other work for himself at weekends. This other work is sporadic and depends on when he gets bookings. From the beginning I agreed that I would be flexible to accommodate this work as he had been doing it for some time. When we were together he did approx 8 - 10 weekends worth a year, some of the time full weekends, other times just 1 day. I expected that he would have them for (or at least suggest) alternative dates when he was working so that they did not miss any time with them, however it soon became clear that he wasn't interessted in making up the time and instead just wanted to miss out on any dates he was working.
The main issue is that he quickly began using 'work' as a reason to get out of many more dates than just the 8 or so weekends per year that I was expecting. The 'work' has spilled into his midweek nights as well as the weekends on many occassions. He has never had them for any holiday time (and never committed to in fairness, it wasn't discussed when we split and when I've asked if he wants them he says he has no spare holiday from his day job due to 'work') which again seems a bit unfair as we both work full time so it is down to me to organise holiday clubs, cover and use all my annual leave.
We live relatively close and hence I get to hear about things he is up to which directly contradict his statements that his work is the reason he cannot have the children. For example he is currently on a 2 week holiday abroard which means he has missed 3 weekend visits and 2 midweek visits. When I asked outright if these dates were due to work, he said it was none of my business. For the 2nd bank holiday in May when again he said he couldn't have them, I have since found out he was on a break in this country with his girlfriend and her family. These are just 2 examples and I have found out about many many other holidays (holidays each year for last 3 summers - this is the 3rd summer he has been apart from them, and hasn't taken them on a holiday at all), social occassions etc over the past 2 years when he has said he cannot have the children and it has been nothing to do with work. He has point blank refused to make up the time with them, offer alternatives etc. I have asked him to stick to the agreement to no avail, I have said that I don't mind swapping dates to no avail, I have asked that he provides me with at least reasonable notice - you guessed it, to no avail.
He is rude, abusive, nasty, personal etc over and over again and I've had enough. He has often let them down at very short notice (a couple of days) and when I've protested that I've got plans and am unable to have the children on his time, he has stated it's tough. There is no negotiation, no sensible discussion, no nothing, just point blank refusal to stick to his responsibilities and - of course - if I suggest he needs to stick to it or not bother, I start getting abuse about withholding contact and fathers for justice nonsense.
This has all reached a head recently as he has not had them at all for over a month, and not stuck to 1 single weekend contact for 9 weekends running. Clearly half of these at least are due to the holidays/breaks I have found out about, goodness knows how many (if any!) are actually due to work. I've had enough, it's simply not fair that he gets to flit in and out of their lives as he pleases. He appears to think he is the worlds best father but because I wanted to have them living with me, I just need to suck up that he can do as he pleases. Up until now, I've done just that for the sake of the children and their relationship with their father but I can't do this and be treated and abused this way for another x amount of years.
I have previously suggested mediation, court etc and his response is that he isn't spending any money on solicitors. I am now considering saying we either get something formal in place or he can sod off. I am not comfortable doing this, I desperately want to do what's right for the DC, but he clealry doesn't give a toss about them really. They have a wonderful stable life with me and I fear at some point his flakiness will start to have an adverse impact on them. As I said they haven't seen him for a month now and they haven't actually mentioned him even once. When it was fathers day they came home from school saying they had made some stuff for fathers day and needed to hide it from my partner before he got home from work. Speaks volumes I think. I have not encouraged this at all by the way, but he acts like a father to them, whereas their actual father doesn't bother.
Thoughts on finally putting my foot down please?