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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Feeling Isolated - how to get friends to help me look after kids sometimes

28 replies

winipig · 21/06/2013 15:13

Hey !

I have a twins who are 3 years old but i'm mostly at home taking care of them. Sometimes I have to pop out to the shops to get emergency supplies and sometimes I want to go to the dentists/gym but can hardly get help. I have a few friends nearby who have kids and I know they would be happy to look after the kids sometimes but it's hard to keep track of when they're also free - does anyone else have this problem? Any solutions you could recommend?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Frustr8iddRentUnit · 21/06/2013 15:24

I completely feel for you - I am in a similar situation myself (not twins, though!). If you, or anyone else, know of something that could help, then it would be really appreciated!

ciderwithrosie1 · 21/06/2013 19:51

Could you bring it up one day over coffee with them at yours or theirs? You could explain how tricky it is for you and suggest that you could do a reciprocal couple of hours for their child/children each week so that they have a couple of hours child-free aswell?

sandiy · 21/06/2013 19:52

Do they go to pre school yet? Pre school is a lifesaver it gives you 2-3 hours a day to just get those bits done.

WetGrass · 21/06/2013 19:54

Arrange a babysitting circle FB group. Then you can post a shout out without putting anyone on the spot (& vice versa).

Don't know how you'd make sure that everyone felt it was fair... Maybe if you all had regular things ...

stubbornstains · 21/06/2013 19:57

You should be able to get 15 hours funding per child per week for pre school now that they're 3. I must admit, I find it difficult with even one- the people who seem to offer to help most are the ones that are already so snowed under that you feel guilty taking them up. Then I offer to reciprocate by taking their child for an afternoon, and they very rarely take me up on it, which makes me feel that I can't ask them again...

Meanwhile, friends with plenty of time on their hands and grown up children, who live round the corner and have lots of evenings free ignore all my hints about babysitting. I mean, they don't have to, but it would be nice, know what I mean?

stubbornstains · 21/06/2013 20:00

Oh God WetGrass....(facepalm).

Lone parents can't do reciprocal babysitting......because while they're babysitting someone else's kids..who's looking after theirs?

Sorry, but it makes me want to bang my head on the table until it bleeds when someone suggests that.

stubbornstains · 21/06/2013 20:04

To be honest OP, let paid care be your friend. It's far less stressful. Take up the offer of the free 15 hours, and if you want to go out in the evening...find a paid babysitter. You'll end up feeling less resentful. (bitter emoticon).

exexpat · 21/06/2013 20:05

Reciprocal could work during daytime, as long as you can cope with all the children at once, but I agree it's no good for lone parents in the evenings.

I wonder if the OP's friends might be a bit hard to pin down because they are wary of looking after twins as well as their own?

JuliaScurr · 21/06/2013 20:12

Have you got Homestart near you? HV should know.

Parent& toddler groups give you a chance to have a cup of tea and talk to fellow child-wranglers

it is bloody hard work and isolating
ignore people who criticise - there is an endless supply of people who know much better than you
they don't

WetGrass · 21/06/2013 20:26

You never have friends kids to sleep over?

( facepalm straight back atcha )

girliefriend · 21/06/2013 20:29

Pre school pre school pre school

stubbornstains · 21/06/2013 20:34

Wet Grass

No, no sleepovers for three year olds.

WetGrass · 21/06/2013 20:39

shrug

Depends how close you are to your friends.

And the OP didn't say her friends DC were the same age.

Galdos · 21/06/2013 23:35

Work on the friends and their schedules. When my spouse died, I had 3 kids under 9 and a demanding job, but a Monday - Friday nanny/childminder (of very variable performance!) to help. Initially, little tasks like posting a letter at weekends (postbox 50m away) would take a half hour, and a supermarket shop was somewhat challenging with three loose under 10 (the supermarket manager once softly reprimanded me, but shrank back after my response) but fantastically better now.

JuliaScurr is sensible - the isolation is demoralising, so groups which offer even just friendly company can help maintain/restore sanity - reality checks through others are vital, I'd say. The best help of all, I found, was meeting others and realising my kids weren't bonkers/axe murderers/Outnumbered auditioners, but wholly normal.

Original poster

winipig · 22/06/2013 01:47

I suppose my greatest problem is that I do go along to a few of those single parent groups and although I keep in touch with the mothers (and sometimes fathers) I meet, it's hard to ask them to look after the twins for me when I need it on a reciprocal basis for a short space of time so I can go to errands outside of pre-school hours. Anyone else get this? Thank you so much for your fantastic responses already. I'm feeling a lot less lonely already. Have a great weekend guys!

OP posts:

iwantanafternoonnap · 22/06/2013 14:24

What tosh about Lone parents not being able to look after other peoples kids!

I've looked after other peoples kids and even babysat in the evening I just take DS with me.

Just ask people because they can always say no but most people would be happy to help you out xx

iwantanafternoonnap · 22/06/2013 14:26

Oh and I like having other kids round my house as it means DS gets to play with other kids and I don't have to entertain him so much LOL

HerrenaHarridan · 22/06/2013 14:52

Also a bit eh? At lp not reciprocal babysitting.

I either take dd to friend house (easiest)
Or have them here (gets easier every time) originally this was done as parent settles kids at mine and go once asleep but actually easier to do it yourself once they are a bit used to it.

I'm nor ready to leave dd overnight but the bridge is settle her to sleep in friends office and come back to lip on their couch.

In terms of running errands in day time then I think tbh you just have to ask. " is there any hence you can watch then for an hour while I go to the dentist?" Is not unreasonable.

If you think it may be a twins issue then as the person you feel closest too if it is! If so as 2 people who get along to do it together, maybe at a soft play. Meet them there, nip to dentist come back

PearlyWhites · 23/06/2013 09:38

Err you just look after your dc and the children you are babysitting at the same time. What an odd thing to say.

equinox · 23/06/2013 12:14

I finally found a grateful teenager who is 17 and will sit for my 8 year old for £2 an hour as that is all I have so if I go out 3 or 4 hours she at least gets paid an amount that she notices is in her purse.

By the way she was a friend of the newsagent boy. It helps to ask around e.g. local shop or newsagents may be in the know.

HTH.

SnoopyLovesYou · 23/06/2013 21:36

Ooh equinox clever you! Mine is 20 y.o and I pay her around £4 an hour.

cestlavielife · 23/06/2013 22:03

ask around at local twins group?
get them into nursery.
advertise for a nanny share - or speak to people who have an au pair or nanny ask if you can ever borrow or share and how much?
advertise for volunteers at local church
advertise at local child care college

put an ad on gumtree local but check references carefully
ask your friends outright - would you have xx and xx at 3 pm next Tuesday for two hours ?

chickenliversfortea · 24/06/2013 14:56

Babysitting is perfectly doable as a single mother. I used to take my child plonk him in their spare bed /travel cot and take him home at the end of the night. Granted I had a car.

When he reached school age and needed proper routine he would sleep over or I'd have them at mine. Never been an issue.

exexpat · 24/06/2013 16:05

OK, I can see that it might work if you just have one, and they are little. It's rather harder with more than one, and when they are older. I certainly found that as a single parent of one boy & one girl with a four-year age gap, it wasn't really feasible for us all to go and stay over anywhere else - not quite so portable/flexible when they are 11 and 7, for example. I very occasionally managed to get them to sleepovers at separate friends on the same night to give me a night off, but it took a lot of planning. Luckily now the older one is 14 and can babysit the younger one.

SnoopyLovesYou · 24/06/2013 20:55

Totally agree with poster above who said it's less stressful to hire someone btw. I know if I created a Facebook group, it would not go down well and who wants to feel like a charity case? It is good to ask in advance though! That can be good and work well. Mutual childminding good too but for me, that's more practical during the day and I'm quite fussy as to whose house I might let my children sleepover at!!! I now have one friend who babysits about once a fortnight and one paid babysitter about once a fortnight. Will probably increase that though as I need to get out more in these summer months!

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