depression (?), work stress and generally fed up

[sailingmummy]

Hi, I need to write this down. I find it hard to talk to friends and family about the situation I am in as I am conscious that whenever they see me - I always seem to be negative about my life. If not, they seem to think that I am coping really well etc, when inside I feel as though I am falling apart.
In November, I split from my husband (my choice - he was lying continually, on sex chatrooms etc.) and in January started the divorce process.
I am fine about getting divorced - he was liability and I am better off without him. But I am stuggling big time to cope with general life. I have two children (7 and 5), work full time as a teacher and my ex lives in the midlands - and breezes down for a day every 2 weeks to see the kids.
I'm really struggling to keep everything going. Work is rubbish - my boss is a nightmare and everyone is bitching about me, saying I don't do enough and that I go home too early (I have to leave at about 4pm to get childrens tea take them to clubs, do their reading practise with them etc all before their bedtime at 7.30pm). I hate going to work and am struggling with full time teaching workload and expectations. I would love to go part time, but need the money that full time teaching pays. Ofsted are looming too - which is then adding to the workload - as school prepares for the visit.

My seven year old daughter behaves like a little witch. Sometimes I hate her and wish I had never had her. My son is a little sweetie, who is being bullied by his older sister. Sorting out my daughter and her mega tantrums, together with divorce and working full time is really getting me down. I (and her school) have tried positive behaviour charts, which have worked to some degree, but when she goes for the tantrum, she does it in mega, embarrassing, soul destroying style.

On Friday eve, I just lay on my bed in the evening and cried. If I didn't have the kids to consider, I would probably take a whole load of pills and top myself. My marriage has gone wrong, I work full time in a job I hate and am so fed up. All because of my ex being a complete bastard.
My friends are all smug marrieds and seem to forget that I am on my own - bored and lonely every weekend. If I suggest doing something - they are always at couples dinner parties.

I suspect, that I am suffering from depression, but am scared about going to the doc, as about 10 years ago, after a long illness of a very close relative which really affected me, I was put on antidepressants. As a result, this has affected my health insurance for mortgages etc.

What do I do?

Hi, I don't think you can put possible insurance consequences in the future above your health right now.

I have been on and off A Ds for years and have not been penalised in insurance as far as I know. (And I don't lie on forms).

So could you change your insurer?

I can't see how you are going to pull together the emotional resource you will need if you are I'll and untreated. Also, your gp may not prescribe pills, they may prescribe another treatment such as cbt, so you should def go.

I am so sorry you feel so low. And sorry I don't have any more practical support to give. But people do care.

Oh dear sailing, catmint is quite right, get the help you need now, as for the insurance I also agree with catmint....it is debilitating, and you know that already, there are all the things we should do for depression, less caffeine, more exercise etc etc, but when you are rock bottom these seem like massive hills to climb...so get the first step done and get the help you need. Give yourself the credit for all the things that are good, and the great things that you are doing for your kids. Mine are the same age, and my situ is similar, I do understand how difficult some days are....last year I did cbt, which was done as telephone appointments with some reading materials....I now have a file that I can dig into when I need to remind myself of the coping skills and strategies that I need from time to time...it might help...but do reach out....take care

Gosh, what a lot you have on your plate. No wonder you're at breaking point.

I think I'd start with going to your GP and having an honest chat about everything - book a double appointment as a single one won't be long enough. Also, is your DD going through typical 7-year-old girl stuff, is she just acting out because of her parents splitting up, or is there more to it? Might be worth talking to the GP about that as well.

When you've taken care of that, how about seeking out some other single parents for social stuff at weekends? There are masses of single parents out there, so unless you live in the middle of nowhere I'm sure there's a decent number of potential friends, lovers, whatever, who are equally bored and isolated from Fri-Sun nights.

you need support and counselling - ask about parenting courses as support for you to talk about dd's behaviour with others.

what are your plans for the summer holidays?

do you mean bored and lonely WITH your children? or when they with ex? do you like sailing? can you take them sailing? sounds like a group activity where you can meet nice people.

dont focus on the married they mgith not be havng a good time! and dont think of them as the route to happiness, you need to carve a new life with your kids... it will get easier.

try going thu the kids friends ? arrange playdates and stuff? sugest picnics in the park at weekends etc? organize your own bbq and invite people?

I really sympathise but I don't necessarily think your doctor is the answer. A counsellor, support groups, books such as 'BRILLIANT Positive Psychology'
I am going through very similar situation.
Hugs :-)

You are in an incredibility difficult situation. One that few have to endure. And it is very early days and your routine is not in place yet.
Some things are going to have to give. You can't do it all. I know you want to but you can't. It maybe some things you cut out now you can put back in later.
My DS told me something really interesting tonight when I told him a mummy bird was trying to scare our cat to protect her babies - he said `she needs to be careful what she does though or she will get killed and then the babies will have no mummy'....
If DD is playing up then cut some of her clubs first, that may get her back on track. You know she is hurting because of the change in her circumstances and you are doing so much I bet you don't have the energy to sort it out but if you can get boundaries back in place then it will help you all.
It is very easy to try and be seen to be coping when you are not and you accidentally send out the wrong message to the DC that you can do everything for them all the time. It is no bad lesson for them to lean that no one can.
The summer holidays are fast approaching - is there a summer camp DC can go to, to give you time to breathe and think?
If you can't get to the summer holidays then maybe take a week off sick. Can the DC not have extended childcare until a bit later a day or two a week? You will probably find that the little changes will make a big difference.
I think some talking therapy would help, have a word with your GP. Keep posting. unmn hugs to you. It will get better.

Hi. I can appreciate your situation. I'm a reluctant teacher with a 5 year old son. I work part-time (every morning) but feel more like full-time. However, at present, I am in a position to collect him from school on time (although he's with a childminder first thing). If I were a full-time teacher, I would find your current existence extremely hard. I absolutely understand the pressures that you are under and the often excessive workload. I barely cope with my official 0.64 of full-time. But, I think you seriously need to reduce your hours. It is traumatic going through a divorce, whatever the circumstances. Your daughter is probably feeling insecure because of the divorce and because she has seen a change in you. And, if you are suffering from depression, work pressure will exaccerbate it. I'm surprised that your workmates are not more supportive and understanding considering what you are going through!
Try to remember that you are far from the only bored and lonely single mum every weekend. I know EXACTLY how that feels as I am going through it too. The world does seem to be full of smug marrieds doing their family and married family friends thing every weekend. It is miserable. There isn't a quick solution, alas.

I also feel like there is a limit to how much I can tell people how unhappy I am. I do positive things to lighten my mood and my life and I'm lucky to have my supportive mum nearby. But there is limit to what you can do when taking positive steps seem to cost money and require babysitters when what I really need is a loving partner to share my life. Do you know any other single mums in your area? I'm in a Bedfordshire village and don't know any like me! But that might help you. Hope you're feeling a bit better this evening?

I'm not a teacher but have a full on job and was in that place. I got ad's had time off work and got myself back on my feet.

Make friends, or find out who your friends are, get support from somewhere. Or ask someone to get it for you, if not through your gp get it through somewhere.

You'll probably find it here, so keep posting, you're not alone, many people know how hard it is and have been there or are there.

That is the beauty of this forum.

It sounds like you are close to breaking point, sailing. Poor you. :(

I have been in a very similar situation, and the good news is, it gets better. When you are in the middle of an overwhelming tangle of stresses and responsibilities, it is very, very hard to imagine getting out... But you can, and will. :)

I found that the key is to change something that is causing you unhappiness - and it doesn't matter what, or how small the change feels. You are stuck, and the key is to unstick yourself somehow - and you will find that once you have been able to change one thing, other change will follow.

So, pick something, anything, to change. I know that it can be hard even to think of anything when you are very low, so below are some suggestions, 'big' things and 'little' things... But if you can think of something else more personal and appropriate to you, that's even better! :)

And don't get into knots wondering whether it's your priority, or whether it's important enough to bother with - even apparently tiny things can be the key to getting your life moving again. And don't get stuck (again!) thinking things like "I'm pathetic, other people cope with this, I should be able to manage!" Your only criterion is "Would it make things even a tiny bit better if I did this?" - and if the answer is yes, then it's worth doing!

• Go and do something enjoyable for yourself, today. Anything at all! Meet a friend, book a massage, put on a DVD that makes you laugh... Whatever. :)

• Get some exercise - for instance, go for a walk or a swim.

• Do something kind for someone else.

• Do something nice with your daughter, even if you think she doesn't deserve it. :)

• Drop your hours at work/go part-time. (I don't know how any single parent works full-time. I certainly can't manage it, and my kids are now 13 and 18!)

• Ask your GP for some counselling. (And don't worry about your insurance or mortgage... Anything that was going to go on your record is already there!)

• Phone Parentline/Family Lives for a chat.

• Sing! Join a singing group if possible, and if not, put a CD on in your car and sing along!

• Get in your car/or on a train with your kids this weekend (or next) and go for a day-trip somewhere. Stay overnight if you can afford it.

• Phone in sick and have a duvet day. Your physical health may be fine, but your mental health needs a day off.

• Make, bake or create something - especially if it has been a while since you were creative.

• Sit in the sun for an hour, next time it shines...

All of these are possible starting points... And once you get started, other things will start to feel more possible. :)

Another one who feels the way you do OP.
We spend our lives caring for others and yet nobody is there to care for us.
The other sad thing is that we seem able to talk to MN about how we are feeling, but don't feel able to broach it with RL friends. Not that we ever get the time to do it being either at work or with the children........

Can you consider reducing your hours, even if you go down by half a day it will give you a bit of breathing space for the planning etc?

You might not feel too much difference financially due to the way that the tax etc is applied.

Request it NOW, while things are still not set in stone for the new year.

everyone here is right in their approach....we all know deep down what is good for us - just that sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees.......my feelings, right now - I'm 39, other people (can't call them friends as they are only parents of other kids really) don't call, and don't care...I'm not needy, and I don't keep asking the same people if they fancy doing anything (because it is my husbands night to be in charge of the kids, and we still live in the same house, it's impossible to invite people round, or get on with something in the house). I do quite of lot of active things, which bring new people, but if everyone around me is a pair, I don't factor - I don't belong....and tonight it makes me feel like poo!
sorry for ranting, feeling dreadfully sorry for myself (how self obsessed i must seem)

Hi,
I'm really feeling for you, you sound as if you're at breaking point. All of the advice on here is spot on, but I'd reiterate 2 points: I think you MUST reduce your working hours ( btw what a load of banshees your colleagues sound like, talk about kicking someone when they're down) and start a course of anti depressants. I had no idea that this affects your insurance, stupid question but how? Anyway, you'll be able to actually rest a bit, take stock and think about how to put your life back together, or at least think about the life you want for you and your children. Something which helps me is to remember that right now you're at rock bottom, you'll have to and you'll be able to stick it out, and from there the only way is up. Really : )
Remember that people are thinking of you and I wish you all the best.

It's still very early days and you are finding your feet. I was in a very similar situation and it took me 4 years to pluck up the courage to go to my GP but eventually I went on ADs and they have helped.

Your kids are still at a difficult age. They will get easier.

I think at first it's easy to feel resentful that you have full responsibility for the kids and no spare time to yourself. But on the plus side you will develop a more than wonderful relationship with your children - do you see that sometimes already?

It's true that it's hard to offload your worries and problems on friends - people have problems of their own and IME aren't interested long term. I started to feel like it would be really boring to offload the same problems over and over again so I gave up! Sometimes there's only close family that will put up with listening to it!

I'm absolutely certain that you will come to a place where you realise you are happier without your ex, and have a more fulfilling relationship with your kids, but it will take time. Hang in there and just do your best - that's as much as anyone can ask x

Thank you for all your lovely replies....I went to the doc the day after posting my very long message. She signed me off work for 2 weeks with exhaustion and has also prescribed some anti depressants to try and help me deal with all the hurdles. I slept for half of each day for the first week - I was soooo tired...a mixture of the exhaustion and the medicine I think.
I'm still quite tired and am going to speak to the doc to find out if this is likely to be the anti depressants, but generally I feel better....less tense inside.
Going to work again later this week. I'm trying to start doing a bit of schoolwork to prepare, so it isn't a massive shock being back.
I do need to continue to work full time financially, but am going to try and get a cleaner once a week to at least get that burden removed...Hopefully I caught my meltdown in time. :) THank you x

hi just wanted to say you are doing an amazing job. I am a pt teacher with kids of similar ages (and temperaments!) I am going ft in Sep and nervous, but like you, have to do it financially. no practical advice just hand holding empathy oh and I completely get what you mean about social things

Would you consider going to a womens centre to get some general emotional support as well as considering the tablets and counselling options that people have suggested. Perhaps you could find one in your area over the summer holidays/half-terms. I have just started going to one I am hoping that it will help, there is a group there that assists women who get anxiety and depression. I am on a counselling waiting list in the meanwhile as I have not had any counselling for 5 years and generally am the sort of person who benefits from it every so often.

All I know is that I would not be able to do any work at all if it were not for antidepressants I am prone to anxiety and depression and have been for the past 13 years - and my son is only 8 so I cannot put it all down to him bless him.

An ex who does not give sufficient access makes things particularly hard and for that I totally empathise my son only sees his father half-terms and school holidays owing to him having moved back to London and I am in the east midlands so he is far too far. I cannot afford to move back for financial reasons. He won't move back up here as there isn't enough money up here which I do understand totally. However I really do miss getting a free weekend or two each month which most single parents seem to get the lucky things - so what I do is book a childminder on any Saturday that she is available so I can get a modicum of rest and get things done - as I work every hour God sends Mon-Fri as it is!!

I don't know if your finances could stretch to getting paid help on even say 2 Saturdays a month so you could breathe a little bit from say September. My son loves going she lives really close by and he gets on well with her son who is only 2 years older than him and she often has other children too on a Saturday it is really good for him as my son is an only child.

I do hope this helps and I do feel for you as no doubt full time teaching and being a single parent without family support sounds agonisingly hard....!