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Original poster

Long lost families on itv

19 replies

rainbowfeet · 17/06/2013 21:53

Always hits a raw nerve... Wondering how my ds will feel when he's older about his absent father. (Fathers choice)! Will he want to contact him, will he be angry at him or just sad that he didn't want to be in ds's life!!!
Dread the day when I have to tell ds his Dad didn't want to be in his life, how do you tell a child that??!! Hmm

OP posts:
queenofthepirates · 17/06/2013 21:55

Gently introduce the subject at an early age so it's normal for him? It doesn't have to be a shock. Use age appropriate language that you can cope with. Make sure he's loved and you'll be fine x

iwantanafternoonnap · 17/06/2013 22:22

I say to my 3 year old that 'daddy just didn't want to be a daddy and do the things that daddies do' puts it more onto the ex I think.

I dread him wanting to contact him when he's older and then having to correct all the sodding lies ex and his family will tell DS!!

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 17/06/2013 23:11

I like that wording iwant. I think I might pinch that for when dd is old enough to understand.

Cuddleswithcats · 17/06/2013 23:21

I used similar wording with my DS from a young age, so not having a dad in his life is the norm for him, no big deal at all. He is 19 now and has no interest in looking for the absent parent at all, and he bought me a Father's Day card this year, to acknowledge that I have played the role of both parents Grin

iwantanafternoonnap · 18/06/2013 08:31

cuddles how lovely to have received a card from him on fathers day.

any feel free I pinched it from a thread on here ages ago and it seems to work okay. I also have to say that his uncles, aunts, nan etc all don't want to be those either. Christ knows what he will think when he realises, at some point in the future, that his dad and family all see his daughter from his first marriage Hmm

betterthanever · 18/06/2013 10:36

My DS asked me at 4 years old where his Dad was. I said where he lived as it is not near us. DS then asked why he wasn't here and I just said `he didn't love Mummy' so he did not feel any rejection. He has since reappeared telling those lies expected by Iwanta how perceptive of you Grin. DS is not interested at the moment in fact he has found the situation very upsetting.

iwantanafternoonnap · 18/06/2013 11:29

Well I have figured that if Ex is a lying twat and his mother is a lying bitch then he will be told many many lies. Thank god for email and text apps that have let me keep all the evidence to prove that it was ex saying he wanted no contact at all Grin

betterthanever · 18/06/2013 11:38

exactly Iwant sadly when my exp and his mother were giving me grief it was years ago and I don't have everything I would like to have, there wasn't much email around then and the phones with the texts on are long gone but I do have some things like letters from the CSA when he says he is `disputing parentage' doh! and letters from my sol. asking to make arangements for contact and he did not reply to them which is on record ummm maybe he forgot about those. You just don't want to even have to start discussing all that horribleness though do you.
cuddles your DS sounds wonderful just like his mum.

iwantanafternoonnap · 18/06/2013 14:37

I know it is so sad that you have to think like that...to keep evidence because you know people are going to lie about you and rewrite history.

Ah well we have lovely children and wonderful memories of them and more to come. My ex well he will just have memories of himself and whatever woman he is with/married to and that I think will be pretty boring when he is old!

girliefriend · 18/06/2013 18:00

Watched this programme thinking exactly the same thing!! I really hope my dd is like the woman in the programme who had no desire to find her birth mother and not feel the need to look for him. Unfortunately I think she will Sad depressing as am pretty sure she won't like what she finds.

It does also make me feel like maybe I should do more to find him, wouldn't know where to start though since he has left no contact details and now blocked me from contacting him via fb/internet.

Also how shocking was the womans story of giving birth to a breech baby and her father refusing to give consent for a c.section - oh my God -Shock and Angry what a complete....... I can't even think of a word bad enough to describe him!!!

betterthanever · 18/06/2013 19:03

And I bet they don't show all the really bad stories and people would not consent to them being shown.

Cuddleswithcats · 18/06/2013 19:59

It's just so hard to know what to do for the best.
Girliefriend, I had a panic when DS was about 8 and thought about trying to trace his father, so that he would know that i tried, it was a virtually impossible task Hmm

girliefriend · 18/06/2013 20:47

I think I found some friends/ family on fb of dds father and I wonder about sending them a message to ask if they know where he is but it feels like I would be opening a massive can of worms. I don't even know if they know dd exists Sad

My mum reckons i should hire a private detective to track him down Hmm Have never gone down the csa route and sometimes wonder whether I should so that they could try and find him.

Mostly though I think its fine, she is happy, safe and loved. If and when she wants to find him I would 100% support her in that.

Cuddleswithcats · 18/06/2013 21:39

Girliefriend, your situation sounds very very similar to mine.
You sound like an amazing parent and I'm sure your dd will grow up knowing that you are her family, her support and everything she needs x

girliefriend · 18/06/2013 21:45

Thanks cuddles Smile I hope so x

lilmamma · 20/06/2013 23:16

my eldest son asked me when he was about 7 or 8 did he have a father, I told him he did and would he like to see a photograph, he looked and traced his dads face with his finger, he asked if he didn't like him I told him he did ,he didn't like me, and he didn't work and liked to drink and we wouldn't have all the lovely things we have now and holidays etc, also if he ever wanted to know more or see photos to let me know, he said I don't want to talk about him anymore and walked away.he had a good stepdad, and we now laugh about that conversation, he is a well adjusted man now with 2 babies of his own and even if I say so myself he is a brilliant dad, nothing is too much for him. his so called father met up with him last year, my son wasn't impressed, he was drunk, and talking rubbish, my son said well I didn't miss much and laughed, he has always looked upon his granddad as his dad.hope it all works out for you, just be honest its the best way, a loved child wont miss out :)

Original poster
rainbowfeet · 21/06/2013 14:18

Lilmamma what a lovely post, brought a tear to my eye. Really hope my ds grows up to be as grounded as yours. I desperately hope I do enough for him & show him enough love that he feels as your ds does now. Thank you Grin

OP posts:
lilmamma · 29/06/2013 23:16

rainbowfeet, im sure your son will be just fine, you sound a caring and loving mum, and he wont miss, what he has never had good luck xx

lilmamma · 29/06/2013 23:16

rainbowfeet, im sure your son will be just fine, you sound a caring and loving mum, and he wont miss, what he has never had good luck xx

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