how do YOU deal with anger when dealing with rubbish exes and intermittent contact

[ridiculoussingle]

Today, after another guilt-inducing text from ds's (who is 6) dad, I realised that I need to deal with my anger with him!

He has slowly reduced contact over the years, until now it's once a month. DS is difficult with me after contact, as he doesnt' really know how to express his emotions. The rest of the month he is a total darling. Ds dad doesn't phone or have any contact in the month (his choice, he is too 'busy', he will say he will call but won't actually call etc), and from what I can gather most of the contact is actually just playing PS3. It's like ds goes through grieving every time, constantly reawakened every month.

I have tried encouraging more contact in the past, and have tried talking about how it affects ds, but now really wish he'd bow out altogether, as i'm sure it's less damaging long term. But I get SO angry whenever I have to deal with him. I hide it, and don't vent, which just makes it worse for me. I can see how he is hurting ds, how it is all about him (dad) and what HE gets out of contact ('do you love your daddy?' etc).

What do you guys do when you have to deal with your waste-of-space ex? How do you deal with it without getting really angry, and having nowhere to vent?

Just keep repeating to yourself 'it's his relationship with his DC that he's screwing up and his problem' and remind yourself that at least DC has one stable source of love and care, which is plenty

And the obvious 'it's his loss' or 'you can take a horse or a shit dad to water but you can't make it drink'

(oh and it's so much easier if you leave it all to him. You are not responsible for maintaining their relationship, just for keeping the door open. You'll find you're not getting so upset over it if you just get on with the day to day and aren't wasting time/energy over it and feeling responsible for it).

Thanks theorchardkeeper.

I do say that to myself already, and leave all organising contact to him, but I guess I feel so angry on ds's behalf, that his dad is so shit. Ds deserves so much better.

He woke me up with a 'sad' text telling me he would have appreciated a call on fathers day etc. But we did call, he just didn't answer his phone.

Even now, I can feel myself getting angry. He is just such a twat.

It's him that should be sad though...After all, if he carries on that way DS will just grow up to not think much of him. It is sad but there's not much you can do besides what you're doing now.

They do have a way of winding you up, seeing as it's your nearest and dearest they're messing around but it sounds like you're already doing well

yeah, I guess I'd be angry at anyone who messed ds about. :(

You are not alone. It's awful seeing someone that is meant to have your DC's best interest at heart mess around like this

However, you asked how do we cope?

Well, I have spent the afternoon (after a particularly bad incident with X) seething and have spoken to my DM about it and have a friend coming over in a minute whom shall also hear all about it! Do not keep it in, wait until you have a moment when DS is in bed or out and talk to a friend or family member about it.

You are doing all the right things, he is a twat!

I see myself as a widow with a small trudt that provides a small amiunt for DS each month. Since I am not expecting anything, everything is a bonus.

I chose to disengage a long time ago with my ex who behaves in a similar fashion He has increased the frequency of contact a little (was every 6/8/10 weeks, now we are down to maybe 4/6 weeks). I get all the sob stories about how hard it is for him and just at him with no verbal acknowledgement of anything he's said. DD doesn't hear me comment on what he says but he knows from my lack of acknowledgement I'm not interested, even though he still dumps his shit on me. He's not interested in how hard it is for me dealing with an 8 yr old DD who pushes the boundaries relentlessly so I'm fucked if I'm interested in the latest sniffle, or money crisis of his own making or relationship problems he's having with his fiance.

I still get angry every now and then, and choose to vent on here mostly when it tips me over the edge because I get no understanding from anyone else around me. I mostly get 'why do you let him see DD' if he's messed me/her about, or a 'what do you expect' etc. Pisses me off tbh. But, my mantra of 'do not engage' while smiling through it for the sake of my DD works for me mostly. I think me not reacting to his drama has helped me move on, and him drop the endless pissing about because he thought it got to me (ignoring the fact it was DD he was letting down, and my reaction was not about me but her).

I see my role here to not make contact difficult (never have done that, never will), but I don't go out of my way to make it happen - that's his responsibility not mine. I also see my role now, as DD gets older, to support her through her feelings about her relationship with her dad, and to make no comment on him/his actions/inactions etc. and let her work things out herself. I never give my opinion on her dad. I've gotten over my disappointment in him as a parent, and accept it's not my role to make him be the sort of parent I think my DD deserves. For all his failings, he does have a good relationship with DD, and as long as she gets something positive from the limited amount of time they spend together, then that's all that matters now. Not my feelings, not my opinion, just what's in DD's best interests. The bottom line is he will never be a full on, committed, there-for-DD kind of parent, but so far DD is relatively unaffected by that. How that pans out as she gets older is anyone's guess, but I will take no responsibility for that as it's not my choice. I'll just hae to mop up the mess, as that seems to be the role I've got in this situation. Sucks, but nowt I can do about it.

opposite side of the fence - bloke who gets no contact with daughter despite court order, is thrown dogs abuse in the street and and who feels like driving into motorway bridge pillars after attending yet another court session where they decide to give the Ex 'just one more chance' to comply with the court order - i took up running and cycling: i did try boxing to get the aggression out but i kept seeing one particular face, so i gave that up as being unsuitable...

all i can really do is channel the despair and hate - and yes, sadly it is now hate - into hope that one day my daughter will come looking for me and that she'll want to talk and maybe have a relationship. what will happen when i finally twig that she's not going to do so is something i try hard not to consider.

i will, at some stage, just give up and start again - unless the courts radically change their attitude to enforement my Daughter is as gone from my life as if she were dead, so i'll just get on with grieving rather than putting my hopes in the 're-incarnation' i'm supposed to get from the courts system.

I play exH bingo with his emails, so if I email on a topic then I write a list down of all the things I just know he's going to say and the lies he's going to come up with and then as they come out in the conversation (always on email because he hasn't got the nerve to say these things to my face) I tick off my piece of paper. I'm too good at it though (or EXH whinges about the same things all the time), I often get a full house on the first reply.

I also know it's his relationship with the DCs that suffer, and while he can con himself that he's super dad, I see and hear different.

Can I share one particular gem that made me laugh last night, and I have to laugh because otherwise I'd get stabby. My DCs have 8 weeks summer holiday, I work on minimum wage and I work 7 days a week. I've managed to cover 6 weeks but I can't afford to pay for childcare for two weeks. So I asked him to have the DCs for two extra weeks or pay for two weeks childcare. His reply was "I'm having them for nearly half a month" which in normal speak is not quite two weeks. What a tosser! And he refused to help with the childcare because he pays me £400 a month which is the minimum he can get away with from the CSA. He refuses to pay anything extra for the DCs. He is a complete twat, but I have to laugh at him because to do otherwise would be to get angry on behalf of the DCs and they're not actually that bothered that the only see him once every 6-8 weeks, he feeds them Haribo, let's them stay up late and they never leave the cheap Travelodge Hotel thingy he stays in, so I expect in the very near future they'll refuse to go with him.

His loss.

I'm another who is trying to explain to DD why she doesnt see more of her daddy (currently at once a month ish and no school holidays, all his choice) and dealing with the relentless day-in-day-out things that come with being the one doing everything and also working full time.

I used to vent at DD's father in emails asking him to put DD first in his life and see her more but they didn't achieve anything except make me more angry when he didn't bother replying/seeing DD more. So I stopped doing that and now I vent to my friends and detatch from the desire to continually tell him how much his DD needs and wants to spend more time with him and how he is missing out on so much with her.

When she returns from contact she is quieter and just wants to snuggle with me so I make sure I don't have anything planned for when she comes home. That way she gets my undivided attention for whatever she needs and I've found this has helped her. Also when she gets upset I have the stock answer of "your daddy loves you but this is how he is and I can't change that, you just need to make the most of the time you do have with him when you see him" I've repeated that phrase so many times now when shes been upset instead of saying what an idiot he is

We've had quite a grown up talk about how we can/can't change people and that this is a circumstance where even though she wants him to change and has told him she wants to see him more, he hasn't changed and it hasn't resulted in any increased contact.

As others have said, it's his loss and will return to bite him on the bum in later years.

Bikelock, don't give up on her. Keep trying.
If you expect for her to come to you, she won't come at all. Children are like cats, they follow those who give them attention. If they don't get that attention they asume that you don't care and eventually forget.

My ex decided to stop contact with DS "until he was older", after a few years DS has come to his own conclussions and doesn't want to see him anymore. :-(

Keep trying, courts eventually get tired, and do what they should do.

Chandras sounds like what my ex said in Court "It would be more romantic if she meets me at 18 and can make up her own mind" - i.e when I don't have to pay and look after her at all, and it can all be on my terms. He refused contact centre even after the Judge asked his girlfriend to reason with him about it over Xmas. You have to see it as their loss - I am confident if DD ever meets him she will be as he is prone to huge arrogance (if you have seen Archer he is just like the main character, I mean to a T so I watch it when I feel stabby on occasion and thank fuck he isn't around to annoy me. Funny in a cartoon, not funny IRL
Bike can you write her a letter and send it or give it to a grandparent to give? Nothing about not being allowed to visit/her mum, just that you love her and would really like to see her as and when she feels ready, you will always be there. My friend is trying to get her exH to see his DD despite a court order and it seems such a futile waste of time and money

Tell me about it Lion, my ex also said that, that he would see him when he was older. I don't care what he thinks nowadays, but I know that now, it is DS who doesn't want to have contact with him.

I would suggest to be more proactive than sending letters, DS is so fed up with them he doesn't even want to read them anymore, and in a way I don't blame him. According to DS they are all about his dad being smug about his new life, his expensive holidays, the woman he ditched him for and how fantastic his "replacement son" is. In the case of my ex he has left it too late. The damage was done before stopping contact, the distance has just consolidated it.

My son now has a feelings book...he can write or draw in it..when his emotions are too difficult I actually get him to write in it..he is 6 ..It is a good way to let him get his feelings out without having to worry about how you are going to feel about it.