Hello everyone,
I would like some advice or even just opinions please. It is a VERY long story, so I apologise in advance ? please bear with me.
In 2005 I was suffering from quite bad depression due to a bad breakup at the end of 2004, along with work problems. I was therefore on anti-depressants and going for counselling. I was also going out one night every weekend and drinking far too much whilst out.
October 2006 I met a guy in a club and he ended up wangling his way home with me. Please note this is not something I had a habit of doing ? he only came back to mine because he followed me out to the taxi queue and begged me to let him sleep on my sofa as he had no money to get home (he lived in another town). Anyway, we got home and one thing led to another and we became a couple. I wasn?t really bothered to be honest, but he seemed nice and I didn?t much care about anything at that point so just went along with it. After a couple of weeks, he made the suggestion that we try for a kid. I went along with the suggestion, not really thinking things through properly but agreeing anyway. Maybe this would make a difference to how I felt about life. A couple of weeks later, he dumped me as it was costing him too much time and money to come visit me (£3 and 15 minutes on the train). Early Dec 2006 I discovered that I was pregnant. I immediately let him know, and we got back together.
Towards the end of Dec, I started having serious doubts about being with him as I constantly kept catching him out in lies and he constantly broke promises. However, I attended a NY party with him as I had promised to do so, and at the party he proposed to me in front of about 40 people. I felt I had to say yes as I didn?t want to embarrass or humiliate him. By the end of Jan however, I just couldn?t cope with his lies and laziness and unreliability so I ended things. It was very amicable ? he didn?t really want to be with me either, we were just together for the sake of our child ? and we agreed that he would come along to the scans and help out financially if I needed it. He did attend the scans, but not the midwife appointments (my choice).
I moved from my top-floor flat into a 2-bed house and purchased several items in advance, as you do ? a cot, moses basket, stair gates, fire guard etc. We agreed to split the cost so he would pay £250 and I would cover the rest.
Between the last scan and the day our son was born in July, I heard nothing from him other than messages to say that he?d send me a cheque the following month (every month this happened).
Due to complications, I had the baby a couple of weeks before the due date and we weren?t able to advise him until a few hours after the birth.
When he arrived to visit us at the hospital, he said he had given his mum (who he lived and still lives with) the money he owed, and she was going to write a cheque. He hadn?t yet told his Mum that her first grandchild had arrived, and when she did find out and came to visit, she had no knowledge at all of the money he had supposedly given her.
Baby and I were in the hospital for several days due to my complications, but we received only the one visit from him and his family. We did meet up a few times once I was out of hospital, in a neutral place so that he and his family could spend time with the baby. However, his name is not on the birth certificate, as he 'wasn't available' on the day I registered the birth, so he doesn't have Parental Responsibility.
Sadly, a few weeks later, his Dad died and of course that hit his family hard. I received a letter from him saying that he wanted to be the best father he could be as losing his Dad had made him realize that he needs to be with his son. A week later I received another letter saying he needed some time and space and he didn?t want to be contacted or bothered by me. At this time, he stopped making the monthly maintenance payments which we had previously agreed on. I then made a claim via the CSA.
A few months went by during which I was advised by the CSA that he was working, then not working, then working again. Eventually he started making payments via the CSA, and coincidentally got in touch with me, making it clear that now he was paying, he expected to see his son. This went on for the next few months, during which we made arrangements to meet up at various places so he and his Mum & sister could see the baby. His Mum showed no real interest, she never even wanted to hold her grandson. In between visits, he would send emails telling me he wasn?t going to hand any money over for the items which he had agreed to pay for, unless I produced proof of payment. His argument was that he fully supported HIS child via the CSA (£10 per week!) and therefore shouldn?t have to pay any more. He also demanded to see him at least once a week on his own, as he was paying maintenance, regardless of the fact that he had made no effort to get to know his son other than holding him for 15 minutes during the visits he made. There were also threats on his side to go to a solicitors and to take me to court. He later advised me that it was his girlfriend who had told him to threaten me with these. His girlfriend later emailed me, having found his emails on her computer, and told me that he was in fact lying to me about this, and had also told her and his family things about me which were absolutely not true. She also told me that he deliberately changed jobs to avoid paying maintenance, and that he didn't want to come see his son as it would cost him £3 in train fare and he already spent enough money on him due to paying maintenance.
Between November 2007 and Jan 2008, he contact me once. Between Jan 2008 and May 2008, he didn?t contact me at all, and only emailed me in the end as I sent a card and a photo of our son to my ex?s mother, as I felt sorry for her being prevented from seeing her only grandson due to her son not showing any interest. He then asked why it had taken ME so long to get in touch! He also gave several contradictory excuses as to why he had not been in touch and why he had changed jobs to avoid the CSA.
In July 2008, when our son was 2, I made the decision to stop contact altogether, as I felt having him in his life would be detrimental to the wellbeing of our son. I clearly explained by email the reasons (there were several, including constant lying, unreliability, refusing to take responsibility for his actions, spreading rumours, ignoring his son, plus more) why I came to this decision. He responded with the promise that we would be taking things further, by which I assume he meant he would seek legal advice etc.
I didn?t hear from him again until April 2010 (21 months later!), which is, again coincidentally, when the CSA caught up with him again and he started making maintenance payments. I again explained the reasons for my decision and said the decision still held.
Since then, I only ever hear from him when the CSA have taken a payment. If I don?t receive a payment one month, I don?t hear from him. All of his emails state that he is now paying maintenance and therefore has the right to see his child. He literally NEVER asks how his son is, or what he is doing, or shows any interest in our child at all.
This year, he has made CSA payments on a monthly basis, and I discovered last week that he had been sending messages to me every month since Feb, none of which I saw till last week. All of them state that he is paying towards his son and therefore has a right to see him. Again, no query as to the welfare or health or happiness or doings of our little boy, just the statement that he?s paid his money and wants to see him. His last couple have again mentioned going to a solicitor, but he has made that threat before and nothing has come of it. I am not inclined to take that threat seriously as he is reluctant to part with his money if it doesn't involve something enjoyable for him.
So, what do I do? Do I respond? Do I let him see him? Do I stick to my decision wait until our son is old enough to make his own decision, after seeing all of the emails and letters which I have kept? My son is an emotional and sensitive child, and forms attachments quickly. He greatly misses people he loves (e.g. my Dad, who is like a Grandfather and Dad rolled into one to him) when he doesn't see them for a few days, and gets extremely upset and disappointed when plans are cancelled or changed at the last minute. I know that he has to get used to it, disappointment is a part of life, but bringing his father into his life would mean regular let-downs and the undoing of all the work I have put in to discipline him, as the guy thinks bad behaviour, violence and bad language are funny and would allow our son to run riot. He has also hit his ex-girlfriend on more than one occasion, in front of her little boy. He also has another son with his current fiance, although frequently tells his ex that he still loves her and would leave his fiance for her.
Again, apologies for the extremely long post. Any and all advice welcome. Thank you !!!