Should I tell his daughters mum?

[draco4756]

Hi all, I just wanted another point of view. The father to the child I'm having has another daughter. He has decided not to know name, gender or birthday of my child but is still active in his other childs life. I'm thinking about sending a letter to the mother of his other daughter with my contact details so that when she grows up she has the option to contact us if she wants. He has not told anybody he knows that I'm pregnant and we have agreed not to have communication. Can I have some views on this?

I think yes as long as your motives are for the benefit of your DC.

I am sorry to hear that your ex has not interest in you or your child. It must feel very hurtful and scary being alone and pregnant. Do you have other support?

Is the other woman in a relationship with your child's father?
Are you wanting to break up the other relationship due to intense jelousy? Is the real reason that you want her to know that her "loving husband" is a dispictable and irresponsible twat.

Your ex is going to have pay maintaince towards your child whether he likes it or not.

The whole situation seems very sad.

Its not so sad. He lives on the other side of the world and I was the other woman he moved in with him that he found travelling. The whole thing was a mistake and he ended up a bigger twat then I thought. I have lots of very supportive family here so I will be fine (and rather looking forward to not having to compromise in raising this child now I'm used to the idea).

But I will be telling my child who their family are regardless and I thought that by telling her mum she would best be able to tell when, if ever, to tell his daughter about her sibling. I'm not expect a reaction/response it was more her right as human to know.

Did you both agree equally or did one or other of you (I'm guessing him more than you) decide that he wanted no contact and you had to go along with it?

It's a sad situation but I would let the other mother know too. Because if he can cut off your child and know nothing about them then there's a chance that one day he will turn around and want nothing to do with the other dd either.

And I would tell him about the baby's details when he/she is born. If he doesn't know the details then it will be much easier for him to ignore the fact he has a second child. If he knows, it will be much harder. Even if he doesn't do much other than pay maintenance, he will still hopefully feel some guilt at being a useless dad to one child and involved with the other child (are you sure that there are no other children that he also has 'no contact' with?)

I think I'd be inclined to wait until after the baby is born - there's no urgency, and it would give your ex a bit more of a chance to accept that he's now got a DC2 and hopefully tell them himself. Pregnancy doesn't always seem real to some men - but babies do. It would be better if he told them himself.

When you say you were the other woman - do you mean he is still with the mother of his DD? If so, I really think you should try quite hard to get him to tell them, not you. If he doesn't want to you might well be facing destroying his relationship for the sake of sharing the truth - which is a difficult decision to make.

He decided almost straight away, but I think after the dust settled I'm better without him. I'm not massively keen on telling him any details but a sister is another matter. She didn't reject this child and she should be given a chance to do so or not if the case maybe.

They had already broken up by the time I met, he was living on his own and she know I was staying with him. We used to say hello in passing but nothing more. I'm not fussed to tell them before or after the birth but I think it's only a 2% chance that hes told anyone at all and that isn't likely to go up post birth as he didn't want to know my due date.

I agree with purpleroses about it not seeming real when you are pregnant. I think my exp was waiting to see how things went should we say and then was angry that the pregnancy progressed. Your exp may do a whole range of things, it is impossible to predict. You have to do what you think is best for your DC. Keep all communication between you and exp and anyone else for that matter -written if possible, as they`exp's' sometimes change what really happened to suit them later on. Regarding your original post, I think she should know but agree wait until your DC has been born and good luck with everything. Sounds like you have great support.

I was thinking about sending it jsut before my due date, because I don't know how long the post will take and then it wouldn't be a confirmation of birth letter. He has asked not to know and I wanted it to be something she could show him if she wanted to.

I think for now you should wait and should be concentrating on your pregnancy and your child that you will have. Think about the contact with the sister once your baby is born and once you are settled. I think the potential emotional upheaval and drama sending that letter could cause could be detrimental to your health and could affect your time with your newborn. I think the potential rejection could run the risk of triggering PND so I think you should wait until you are settled into your new role as a mum first.

wait til the child is born.

there is no benefit in informing beforehand. anything can happen at a birth. child is not even here yet!

when child is born and a few months old then send the information.