STBEXH is forces how do I even start to make a contact plan???

[LittleDonkeyKong]

STBEXH is in the army and will be based a 5 hour drive away from my home. We have a 2.8yo DD and I am 28 weeks pg with DD2. To start off with he will only be having DD during the day slowly working up to overnighters as she has not lived with him since March and not seen him since April as we left Cyprus to came back to the UK. He was never really a hands on dad when we lived together. He is posted down south next month so contact can begin. How do I even start planning a contact plan? Due to the nature of his work training, exercises and guards are often dropped on them lastminute.com so I can see its going to be a case of him telling me when he can have DD which seems unfair as what if the 1 weekend he can have DD we have plans for example a cousins birthday party. Contact with DD2 will be very simple until she reaches around 2 as she will not be staying overnight with him before then as I will be breastfeeding for at least the 1st 6 months and he is clueless with babies so it will be a case of seeing her at mine and maybe taking both DDs out for a couple of hours then going to his brothers with older DD for the remainder of the weekend.

Oh blimey I see your dilemma and I wouldn't know where to start. What ideas has he come up with ?

Is there a way that he can fly for visits ? Booking flights well in advance for alternate weekends might be an option. Is there any way that he could stay with any of your friends or family members for the weekend and then see the kids either at your house or at theirs?

The thing is we could agree on him having DD every other weekend but it will probably never work out like that due to the nature of his work. He wants nothing to do with my friends and family and they don't him at the moment as he is being very difficult so that's a no go!

Write an ongoing plan like every other weekend or whatever. How it works is if he's present the contact goes ahead as diarised and if he's away it doesn't. The court requested this for us (similar situation) as I wasn't expected to drop everything when exh is around. It's worked out well so far and much better than planning it all the minute he arrives.

I can just imagine him being really difficult and saying it isn't his fault if he has to work the weekend he is scheduled to have DD and he will feel it is his right to have her the next weekend he is available even if I have something planned!

Yeh I expect this is how exh felt initially but on the other hand he also knows he can plan stuff months in advance if he knows he has time off then because he is guaranteed that slot with the dc. Also kids need a recognisable routine. Our contact plan ended up being a godsend. We email eachother stuff we have booked asap and we all know where we stand and what's going on. It's actually the best it's ever been post divorce (and that's amazing considering my backstory!)

Or.....you could work it out by amount of contact? How long is he home for at time?

How do you mean home? As in on leave? He will be based permenantly in the UK from next month but will be a 5 hour drive away.

Exh works abroad but lives locally when he has time off

Well, even a good and conscientious NRP can be completely stymied by demands of the military. And you'll probably never know whether he's really stuffed by the job or just isn't trying hard enough.

I was wondering if you could arrange it so there are some weekends which are definitely yours (so you can make plans without considering him) and then the rest are up for grabs on a rolling basis. So if he misses one, there are some which can be swapped to make up time but not at the expense of all your own plans.

It'll need working out again every time he gets posted, I'm afraid. The best bet is to find tolerable flexibility.

Due to the nature of his work training, exercises and guards are often dropped on them lastminute.com

Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes. Yes things do happen last minute, but a decent unit wouldn't be doing it that often.

Could you work on a 3 month plan? He should be able to get one of those, most Guard duties are worked out at least a month in advance. Most unit Exercise period are on the Trg Forecast and can be seen clearly a year in advance. Deployments even longer.

Tell him if he works his duties/exercises etc out in advance, then he should put his 'free' weekends on JPA as leave as soon as possible, with Parental Contact in the 'comments' box. That way the unit/RSM whatever cannot just appear in the block and jiff him for guard. He can get his Welfare/Families Officer in the loop too - that way he is not shirking his duties, but the unit needs to see he has family duties to attend to also.

Thank you very much for the comments. LtEvesDallas some very helpful info there thanks.

STBEXH family live an hour and a half drive away from mine so when he does have DD he will have nearly 7 hours of driving to do!!!!

I was just going to write similar stuff as LtEve don't let him con you about having to go on exercise/guard and you can get hold of the units rough exercise movements anyway. If they are meant to be seeing their kids then generally they will not be stitched for last minute guard duties. I got hold of units exercise movements when I was dealing with my Ex and also his mess commitments and could prove he was being a complete an utter liar.

Set up contact for EOW and that you are to be given 2 months notice of any changes and that they will only be swapped if you have not already made plans. Also ask for proof that the reasons for swapa are work related. I had this written into court order as ex messed around so much and started making out I was stopping him from seeing DS. I wasn't he was just changing his mind at the last minute and then expecting me to change all my plans to suit him which I refused to do. It was upsetting for DS and certainly not putting DS first.

Be strong and fully expect him to try and make you drive halfway.

Oh I will not be driving anywhere! My house is "on the way" to his mum and brothers so he will not be going out of his way as he has said he intends to go up north every weekend which I honestly cant see happening as its a 650 mile round trip! He has not mentioned me driving halfway and I don't think he will.

Good luck and I hope you manage to get a good contact regime going. It sucks doesn't it but gets better. xx