contact for 7 month old - advice please!

[shanelle5]

Hi - thanks in advance for reading.
My baby son who has just turned 7 months is struggling with the hour long fortnghtly contact sessions with his Father.
He lasts 20 mins - half an hour the screams inconsolably the rest of the time. It makes me feel physically sick to hear him, and Im starting to not want to take him there as I AP and its so hard passing him over to a stranger (middle man/woman who passes on to Dad) without him obviously not knowing who his Dad is either. I know he needs to know his Father, I know its for the best that they build a relationship and I know Im doing the right thing for my son longterm, but it feels so wrong taking him to have him so distressed.
What has anyone else done for this age? Am I expecting too much too soon? Should I cut down the time or just grit my teeth and let him cry Its not going to get any easier for the foreseeable future is it, as 7 months plus is prime seperation anxiety age and he doesnt know who his Dad is, just some stranger he gets to see fortnightly..

why is it fortnightly and not more regularly? I have no idea of your situation so it really is just a question.

I thought it was recommended to have little and often for baby's for exactly this reason. If he can do 20 mins and be happy then I would suggest you do 20 minutes for a few visits and then increase the time as he gets older and more used to his dad. ending up crying each time will not be good for your son long term and could actually be detrimental to their long term relationship where as if you can shorten contact so he leaves it happy rather than crying then it becomes a positive experience for everyone.

Hi freemanbatch, thankyou for replying. It is fortnightly as Dad see's him in a contact center supervised, due to MH problems and being an alcoholic (tho currently sober) Dad has borderline personality disorder, SS got involved when baby was born and this is the contact they have advised (read insisted on!)
I totally agree with what you say, 20 min visits or so, more frequently would be so much better for DS, and I fear he is going to suffer and actually Dad too with the current arrangement I did broach the subject with SS to ask if myself and Ex p could possible be grown up about this and for DS sake, make a better arrangement and be civil a couple times a week for them to see each other little and often. They wer rather alarmed by my suggestion and they will not discharge DS from his "child in need" plan unless I agree he does not see his Father out of the supervised arrangements due to his previous, abusive behaviour. I can see their point and also for myself, I do not really want to be in contact with Ex p as I find him rather intimidating but was prepared to do so for DS sake and comfort. Any idea's? x

that's not a good situation for you to be in sorry about that.

I would speak to SS and ask if you can shorten contact so he is less upset and maybe see if they can do every week in the contact centre but other than that sadly I think you just have to stick with what you're told and certainly don't do anything that would put you in a bad light with SS because 13 days and 23 hours a fortnight you're looking after your son and you don't need them on your back anymore than necessary.

I don't suppose your exp or contact centre staff have commented on how they feel about the upset? My DS was in nursery at that age and had no problem spending time there and it was for longer. The hardest bit was the initial me leaving but he settled afterwards rather than going in ok and then getting upset. Is there any way you can know more about what is happening during contact that DS gets upset during contact rather than at the start? contact has to be for the child's benefit at every stage and ok some initial upset for long term gain is ok but not constant upset. How many sessions have you had?

betterthannever, really appreciate your reply, some very valid points thankyou.
The contact center staff who are all elderly, seem of the opinion that its normal for babies to cry, all part of it, He'll be fine if he doesnt see me blah blah. This is actually incorrect and the opposite, as yesterday, I went in after 20 mins of listening to him sobbing and sat him on my lap facing Dad. He instantly cheered up and was able to smile and "chat" with his Dad, who got to engage with him properly for the last 10 mins, I just tried to kind of look the other way and sit quietly to let them get on with it whilst Dad blew bubbles and waved the rattle etc.
DS is always happy with anyone or being put down as long as he can see me but this is not really the done thing at the center He is, as ive said fine when I leave him, greets Dad with a smile and is happy enough for a good 15-20 mins so its not the initial cry when left which sudsided after Mummy has gone to be fine after a few minutes. Which I know is normal. Again the opposite?
I really liked what you said about contact having to be for the childs benefit at every stage and constant upset is not so ok. I really think it is not currently good for little one and causing him too much distress for prolonged periods but I do want him to see and know his Dad in the long run so dont know if Im supposed to push through it for the bigger picture? Weve had several sessions over the last 2 months, and he's never made it though the hour, I think 50 minutes was the longest but the last 4 times have been no longer than half an hour. Some of the other Mums with babies at the center only let dads have half an hour for their visits but 30 mins a fortnight is so little.
I dont much care for Ex p TBH, so his needs are not my priority but for DS sake, would like him to know his Dad however much of a twat he is as I feel its for him to decide when he's older but as a baby of only 7 months its SO hard to get past the seperation anxiety. Its only going to get worse isnt it? I cant see how this is of any benefit to him yet, as he of course doesnt know that that is his Dad or remember him after 2 weeks. We live an hour and a half away so its a long way for him to drive for an hour that keeps getting cut to 20 mins after the baby cries. Should I step in or should I just try and leave him? Im really not comfortable leaving him to cry so long, its not how I parent but I appreciate this is his other parent and maybe im being a bit overprotective/ read clingy!

Why is the centre so far away? that can't help. It is difficult because if he doesn't see him now it will be much harder later on. Can the contact not be in a play centre? near where you both live? If you are prepared to be there which is seems you are I think it would be better all round.

Shanelle What does ex DP think? Has he said how he feels about the contact as it is? Would he prefer 30 minutes? It would be a shorter amount of contact, but a happier contact is far more conducive to building a relationship? Maybe?

Do you have any other contact with him outside of this? Do you email/text him pictures or anything like that? Physical contact doesn't have to be the only way? I know a couple of mums with partners in the Army, or who are away for long periods with work. They show the babies/children pictures of their dads, and talk to them about them, have an item of clothing of dads to let them hold/play with.

I wouldn't want to be separated from my baby in those circumstances either. It would break my heart to see him/hear him crying. It is only natural to feel you need to intervene.

:(

Thankyou again for the replies - its really helping.
betterthan the contact center is not an hour and a half away, what I mean is that Ex DP and I live an hour and a half away from each other, the CC is near me and DS so he travels all that way for what has been a really unsuccesful contact that I know he has been looking forward to and TBH, I feel he thinks DS is a mummies boy who is too clingy and that he should be able to go to him - his Dad. I agree, contact in a ball pond/play park even coffee shop with me present would be so much better. I could just read a magazine or play with my phone for half an hour while they played/cuddled nearby. The trouble is twofold, SS are worried about me being involved with Ex DP as he was abusive and do not want me to have contact with him currently, and because of the exact same reasons I also feel unable to see him without high levels of anxiety due to his past behaviour I am trying my very best to put my own personal feelings aside for the good of DS but its really tough when someone has treated you so badly and is manipulative and abusive albeit due to his MH problems and addictions. I would still consider the contact options above though, putting DS first is my main aim and I do think that would be the most comfortable scenario for him.
smaltzingmatilda that is EXACTLEY the reason SS have set it at fortnightly, EX DP has 3 other sons who his his contact with has been sporadic over the years and they are thinking he will fail and so are wanting him to prove his reliability as you say. This is all well and good, I agree and can see their reasons but its not working!
They have not indicated a timescale and are due to discharge me this month as they are happy with the set up, and DS is not child in need as long as he is with me and me only, and only sees Dad under supervision. I guess I could let them discharge me then make my own arrangements as above or is that wrong?
detective Hello Hun (waves incase you are from Nov 12 babies?)
Yes I have been rather good considering his treatment of me (even though I do say so myself) and through gritted teeth email him politely every evening with a daily bulletin of what hes been up to, sending photos or video every evening. Dad does feel involved and that he knows DS and he feels involved in his daily life and likes and dlislikes etc. This helps Ex but not the baby! I know it will be easier in a years time onwards when he understands but for now, its like handing him to a stranger and walking away (from DS perspective)

shanelle my exp is the same, I could never be in the same place as him so I fully understand that. I am not from the school of, all children must see both parents no matter what by any means. It seems you really want him to have contact so just thinking of options. It's difficult because DS is so young, he will soon grow up and hopefully your ex will have too I would speak to SS as DS grows up the emotional damage may sick around and he may not shake it off as quickly now. Is this court ordered contact?