Long … help & advice needed on very complicated situation

[singlemumoftwo1012]

Hi .. ok so where to begin.

I feel like there are so many conflicting demands/ agendas etc between all the significant players in my life that it has just become too much. I have no idea what to do. It seems that whatever I do will be wrong in a major way for someone. And after having this playing through in my mind for several months now trying hard to find a compromise between everyone that I?ve reached the point of giving up. It?s just that in giving up ? no one is happy either.

It feels like my entire life and my entire future is dependent on the needs/ wants and desires of four people who won?t budge on what they want. I am tired of having no control over my own life or its future. I am so tired of trying to work through four immovable objects. I am just so bloody tired of the whole situation.

It?s complicated and my hope is that either someone out there has ?been there and done it? or just by writing things down and looking at it again in a few days that by some magic it will all work out.

I have two kids ? one finishing GCSEs next year, and the other starting GCSEs next year. I have been divorced since 2008 and have been in a relationship for the past 2.5 years with someone I feel very deeply about.

1. Kid One:

This kid refuses to complete A levels. She is an incredibly bright kid who gets straight A/A*. Instead she wants to complete a BTECH on a subject she feels very passionately about. We have agreed that if she goes this route then she MUST do at least one A level in order for her to be able to attend university afterwards if that is what she wants.

She sees the sense and has agreed to my conditions that she must do really well in her GCSEs, her BTECH and the single A level. After speaking to a couple of Universities this is the only way she would be accepted into a degree programme. She has accepted this willingly.

The only problem is the single college which offers the BTECH she wants to do and the option to complete an A level alongside is 50miles away. A public transport commute is 3 hours each way and there is no accommodation available for under 18s.

Even after trying to talk her into A levels at a more local collage she simply refuses and threatens she will simply fail everything if forced.

1. Kid Two:

Loves his school. He is a shy & quite kid who is not very confident in making friends, but values the ones he has. He is doing quite well and is pleased with his GCSE options. He will be in Yr10 from September. I have broached the subject of potentially moving so that Kid1 can attend the college she wants (in fairness the education options are much better near the proposed Kid1 college). He refuses.

He doesn?t mind moving BUT refuses to move schools. Which is fair enough. He also refuses to commute even if we find a place to stay half way in between.

Another fly in the ointment is contact with his Dad who he adores. Currently the kids go to their Dad midweek and every alternate weekend.

He would be happy to stay with his Dad for his final GCSEs but the Dad isn?t able to accommodate ? he has a very ?busy? life leaving for work early and returning after 10 most nights (sports, gym etc).

1. the Ex

Absolutely insists the contact routine as it stands does not change. However, cannot help on day-to-day running around etc or for more than 2 weeks holiday per year (he likes to spend the other two weeks on holiday with his girlfriend).

He doesn?t care about the practical matters involving where we live or where the kids go to school, or anything which may impact his own time.

However, he is good to the kids and they all have a good relationship. He has never missed scheduled time with the kids and pays support without fail (albeit about 30% less than the CSA rate but that is another story entirely). I don?t think he is being deliberately awkward ? but he doesn?t want Kid2 to move schools and wants to maintain contact. Both perfectly reasonable requests, albeit not very helpful.

1. the SO

Lives about 60 miles from me. He has daily contact with his own kids and they do rely on his support. He is a good dad and a caring partner who does love me and who I love very much.

He says he sees us getting married in the future and getting old together. Up until now moving in together has simply been impossible. Neither of my kids were open to the idea of moving to his town, the ex was worried about contact and I have been worried about commitment. He can?t move to me due to work/ kids.

Late last year we decided to go for it ? I move to his town and up root the kids. Then he got cold feet because the whole situation became a little complicated and he suddenly decided it was too much. I started to question his commitment to me and got a less than satisfactory response ? following which I started exiting the relationship. He talked me around and we had a very honest discussion ? I decided to give things a little longer.

It?s 6 months down the line and nothing has really changed. It would be ideal if we moved in together with my kids closer to where his kids are. This would suit everyone except for Kid2 and TheEx.

Also, I am not very comfortable about moving in together/ buying houses etc unless we are married. He has not really committed to me beyond ?I see us getting married in the future? which doesn't exactly fill me with comfort.

We are stuck in an impasse because I won?t move in with him until we are married because there are kids involved and that won?t change for at least 5 years, probably more. And he won?t get married until we?ve lived together. So I am seriously questioning the whole relationship anyway.

I am tired of the constant "life on hold" thing with no end in sight. He can't/ won't move because of his kids and work commitments. I need more than a "boyfriend" who appears to for dinner mid-week and whenever it suits him on a weekend.

Aside from this - the relationship is fantastic. He is generous, loving, caring and I know he loves me deeply.

Me:
I gave up a high flying corporate career after the divorce as working full time in a demanding role with two kids on my own with no family or support was just too stressful. I had enough money to last me several years at the time and I made the conscious decision to quit and do something which means I am around and available for the kids.

Of course, it is several years down the line and it is time for me to return to work. I have found a very junior position paying not a huge amount BUT there is considerable flexibility which is more important at least for the next three years until both kids either start work or go to Uni.

If the kids and I move to a place where both can commute to their desired schools this will mean giving up a three bed house and moving into a 2 bed flat. Maybe we will be lucky and find a house, but they don?t come up very often in my price range in the area we will need to move to ? the reality is I won?t get a mortgage on my salary enough to purchase so will need to rent.

I will also need to foot the bill for the transport both kids which amounts to £350 month - which is a lot when you are only getting in £2k per month out of which everything needs to get paid. TheEx refuses to help with this pleading poverty but earns in excess of £80k.

This means the reality is we will end up in a two bed flat ? which is fine except the kids pets will need to be rehomed (talk about tears) and my daughter and I will need to share a room. (goodbye privacy or SO staying over).

The problem with this (aside from the pets) is that the contact routine with the Ex will need to change. He is having none of it.

The other option is for me and the kids to bite the bullet and move closer to Kid1 college where property is cheaper but further away. Kid2 is having none of this and nor is the ex.

While Kid2 is happy to love with his dad during term time while he finishes his GCSEs ? the Dad is having none of that. He ?can?t? as he leaves for work at 6:30am and returns after 10pm in the evening after having been to gym or playing sport or seeing his SO. He absolutely can?t take days off work in the event of illness, school closures, inset days etc.

Another option was for us all to purchase a house together so theSO can be closer to his kids. If we are going to move 40 miles we may as well move 50. Except, again Kid2 and theEx have a problem with this. I am also not very comfortable with this option because I will need more commitment before making such a big move. I am happy to if there is a full commitment (ie. Marriage) but there isn?t and no-one should be forced into these things.

A third option is to stay as we are for 1-3 years. This would mean Kid1 can?t go to the college she wants to. It also locks us into this area for the next three years because moving at GCSE is one thing ? moving kids during A levels is quite another. With Kid1 so unhappy (the thought simply makes her cry) this is not ideal either. It also impacts my future in ways which I am not completely willing to disclose here.

Ideas? Thoughts? Anything at all ? I?m at the end of my tether

I have no answers, but have you sat both children down and discussed both their requirements with both of them together? Do they both realise that between them they are pulling you in totally opposite directions?

hi - yes they do but neither sees why they should "give up" what they want for the other :(

Could you advertise/look for digs for your daughter? Where I live is close to an "English as a second language" school and they advertise and get host families to board young spainish teenagers every year. A lot of families seem glad of the extra income, often they have teenagers themselves.

I'd leave the SO out of it for now - just get past these few years and you can sort yourselves out however it suits you best. I get how hard it is to have "life on hold", but you have to prioritize for now.

I also wouldn't worry that much about your ex. Focus on a solution that will work for you and the dcs.

This is purely a personal take, but given the upheaval, I'd be inclined to stay put. Is there anything that can be done about the three hour travel - is there any possibility of finding someone who commutes that journey already and would take a passenger? (Gumtree?) Do you have a car and would your journey to work be compatible with taking her some of the way?

Other than that, moving to a half-way point seems like the only feasible alternative. Would it be worth asking Relate for a single family counselling session to help the three of you talk this through and ensure you all feel "heard"?

You need to take your DP out of the equation and focus on what is best for your DC. You a just further complicating an already complex situation for a man that isn't committed to you. If the best thing for both your dc's education is to move then exdp will have to lump it and work on a solution to maintaining contact.

OK so child 1 is really the one sticking point at the moment. Otherwise staying put would work fine, particularly as you're questioning your SO's commitment (and never ever move in with a man unless you are 110% certain of his commitment.....).

What's the college issue? Isn't there a college closer that does the BTEC she wants? (I don't know why you insist she has to do an A Level as well - that seems to be confusing the issue really... there are ways around that one.)

If the only place she can do that specific BTEC is 3 hours away then she can't do it. It's completely unreasonable of her to expect everyone to up sticks cos she fancies this course at this college....

This is obviously a very difficult situation - but unless I have made a mistake there is the option of your daughter doing the BTECH at a college near you but not being able to do an A level with it. If that is possible my gut reaction is to let your daughter just do the BTECH to start with and do an A level or A levels later.

For what its worth, for various reasons, I did my A levels at night school and went to university aged 20.

All the other options sound mind bogglingly complicated. Of course your ex should help but if he's not going to then I'd take the line of least resistance. There just isn't an ideal solution. Good luck.

Can kid1 do her A level at evening class at different local place to her BTEC? Or different local college to BTEC?

Staying put sounds the best move for everything except kid1's studies.

I think your only option is to stay. Let kid 1do the BTEC & she will have to compromise on the A level or take it in the future. If she is so committed to the course & can't get into Uni with it alone she will need to consider her options once your son has done his gcses. This might sound harsh but it does sound that everything revolves around kid 1 to me & everyone else has to compromise. Sorry if I have read it wrong?

It sounds like you need to try & chill out a bit. It may seem like the end of the world now if she doesn't get everything she wants but life has a way of working out. Apologies if I sound a bit harsh but in reality there is no perfect solution unless she can do an online A Level or something - not sure if that exists.

I would stay and let your dd do the BTEC at the local college. What A level would she do at the other college - can she do it be distance learning instead. If she really isn't interested in A levels then I think she probably wouldn't do very well.

agree with let your daughter just do the BTECH to start with and do an A level or A levels later.

the a level long term isnt the most important thing - if she wants uni she will get there later eg as mature student. best she does something she loves now and does well.

yes you can do a levels by correpsondence - i did years ago.

www.icslearn.co.uk/qualifications/a-levels.aspx and others