After 9 years of no contact at all, ds's dad wants to get in touch

[beansmum]

Just got a facebook message from him. Actually quite a nice one, apologetic etc. But I'm not sure what to do about it. We are in NZ, ds's dad is in Scotland. They have spent 30 mins together in ds's entire life and that was when he was 6 weeks old, he's just turned 9.

Practically, what kind of relationship can they have at this distance, and how should contact start?

I sort of feel like saying, thanks but we're quite happy without you. But I know that ds might want to get to know his dad, if not now then at some point in the future and I should help if I can. ds's dad is not a bad guy, he was just young and stupid when I got pregnant and a bit self absorbed. Maybe he's growing up?

I would reply politely saying that the decision has to be DS's as there has been zero contact and it would be unfair to force it on him at this point, but suggest that they start talking to each other on Skype/FB/email or whatever .... so there is a gentle introduction, before any actual meeting . DS can make his mind up about a face-to-face once he has tested the water of what is, for him, contact with a total stranger.

I agree it should be between your DS and his dad.

It wasn't as long for us - 4 years - but they way I saw it was I didn't want to be the one who stopped dd having a relationship with her dad.

Have you talked to your son about his dad much? Dies he know about the contact?

Yah I agree you need to talk to DS 1st and allow him to make the decision o seeing him or not

Please dnt make excuses for his walking away, he was old enough to make a baby so he should have been old enough to be there as well, were you not young yourself? How come you stayed and didn't walk away? I'm not sympathetic at all with men that runaway from pregnancy or DC but I must applaud him for coming back. So u mean if he hadn't seen you on fb after 9 years he would still be silent?

I'm not sure he wnt walk away again and if he does this time he is not only gona hurt u but DS as well so please make him promise he won't hurt your DS because coming back to cause damage and leaving again for you to mend the pieces won't be nice.

Goo luck I truly hope he is guenuine and not trying to ease his guilt

He's left it a bit late in proceedings. Better late than never though.

At your son's age his wishes and feelings are going to (and should) count whilst understanding he's still a child.

All you can do at this stage is `leave the door open' so to speak. Maybe ask your DS' father what he has in mind? It may be reasonable and realistic or it may not.

Similar happened to me - My DS is slightly younger.
We don't have the miles between us and my exp is not apologising he is re writting history and claiming to have only just found out he has a DS.

I think that it will help your DS and you if he lets your DS have some information about his dad at the very least. Maybe his dad could start by sending some photographs and things to DS as an introduction. I also like the idea from lostdad of asking him what he has in mind of how a relationship could be formed. At the very least some information would be good as DS will want to know something about him at some point or maybe he will not but agree with all the advice on it being lead by how your DS feels.
Must have been a shock but at least it was a nice message.

I don't think there's much chance of them meeting face to face anytime soon, I certainly won't be paying for flights!

I spoke to ds yesterday and he said he'd like his dad to write to him, but he doesn't want him to phone/skype yet. ds is very grown up and sensible - he said he'd wait and see if he actually got a letter before deciding what he wanted to do next.

I replied to ds's dad saying he should feel free to write - I refrained from pointing out that he's had our address since we moved here 5 years ago and we haven't heard anything.

I got a reply saying he didn't know what to write, he would need some guidance from me. I haven't replied yet but I'm not writing his letter for him!

Just replied - it's so hard to be polite, even after all these years! But I managed it. Just said maybe he could write a bit about himself, what he's doing, where he's living, send some photos and ask ds anything he wants to know about school/sports etc. He wanted to add me on facebook - I said no. That was reasonable wasn't it?

He also wanted to know ds's size and whether he had a football team, but I ignored that bit.

Looking back over my facebook messages, I noticed one from 2009 where ds had sent him a postcard and I'd asked him if he'd got it and if he could send one back - no reply until now...But, I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he will write this time...

I think you are handling it well. At this point it is about giving your DS some information about his Dad not giving his Dad information about DS. I had the same thing about `what to write' the court actually says you have to give some guidance to them but I said exactly what you said and they were more than fine with that.
I don't think you are being unreasonable saying you will not add him on face book - you are entitiled to a private family life and your exp has no right to have access to that via facebook.
Once your DS has that initial information he may then want to send his dad information about himself but I agree not before.

So ds's dad wrote a letter in June/July, sent a photo of his family, his cat, his girlfriend.

ds seemed quite pleased to get it, he's keeping it in a box of treasures he has and he has written a reply. He doesn't want to send the reply though. I don't want to push it, but I have asked a couple of times if he'd like me to get stamps, write the address down somewhere, or just post the thing myself. He's really not keen.

Do I keep nagging? Do I write a letter myself and explain that we got the letter but ds is still thinking about it? Or message him on facebook just so he knows I'm not preventing ds from writing if he wants to? Or just leave it for now and see what happens?

We're moving at the end of the year, so I thought I'd write then anyway and let him know our new address, but I'm wondering whether I should make more of an effort to get some contact going now.

Has he give a reason why he doesn't want to send a reply?

I would write yourself, to keep lines of communication open.

Not really. He hasn't been upset or worried about it. When I mention it he does his bored, yes mum you're nagging me again face and goes back to his lego.

I can see why your DS would be nervous about it - it's a big step.

Maybe a little nudge - say `We'll send it and see what happens'. Then it is in your ex's court.

It IS a difficult one here. But by doing this you'd be promoting contact, being the adult and never be open to the accusation that you did nothing to encourage things.

I frequently `do the right thing' where my son is concerned knowing full well I'm going to be painted as the bad guy.

What does your gut instinct tell you?

I personally would say if in 3 months he hasn't wanted to reply he isn't really interested...

You could ask him if he thinks it is a letter too hard to write and is there anything he would like to say to his Dad and you could write it..but to be honest after 9 years I do think it may be too little too late