How long do you play along with the NRPs games?

[AmyFarrahFowlerCooper]

I'm just wondering how long you all played along with the NRPs games (if they, like my ex, play them of course). I keep being nice to him every time he decides to make an arrangement to do with dd, I listen to his sob stories and reasons why he broke the last arrangement with us/her and politely evade questions about my personal life (rather than telling him to mind his own business) so he doesn't kick off and get aggressive all over again. I've tried a couple of times to confront him and he goes all apologetic and makes more promises and like the gullible person I was when I was with him, I believe him and dd gets let down again.

I've had the latest message today after yet another broken promise made several weeks ago. I feel like I cannot play along anymore. I can't be polite to him, I can't bite my tongue when he makes more fake promises and I can't be bothered with his silly games. But then I know deep down that I have to really for dd. Its infuriating.

Is there ever a point where its okay to stop playing along and where the child is better off without this half arsed involvement? Or are broken promises of contact better than no contact at all?

You do need to do your best to make your child available for contact but you don't have to tell your child about it in advance so if he doesn't turn up she's none the wiser.

You are under no obligation to listen to his bullshit excuses. You don't have to let him in your house, you can say "I have to go" and put the phone down. I find that the less talking I do with my ex the easier my life is. I now refuse to discuss contact via anything except email, letter or text. It helps.

Took me 5 years.

Now I won't let him in my house. I'll wait for him 10 minutes and no longer. I refuse to make any arrangements with him outside his usual contact time.

I felt I had to play along for my DD's sake. I felt I couldn't refuse her father access to my house. I felt I had to put up with all his shit for her sake, but you're right, there will be a point at which you can take no more and amazingly your daughter will be fine! You will also teach her a good lesson about standing up for yourself.

My ex has never crossed my threshold of my home, does not get replied to when his emails/calls or texts are abusive. His contact is regular (now) and his attitude has improved, purely because I don't give a feckin' inch for him to take a mile from. He's a nicer dad to our DS's from what I can tell because of it. I don't think it's a one size fits all approach, but I know for us, it's worked. I hope you figure out some better boundaries soon - I'd start with saying no more in your home. It's such a basic thing, my space, my rules. I know it felt incredible for me when I drew that line. Good luck

Thanks for the advice everyone :) we already only speak on the phone and via text and he hasn't been to our house since we moved because I didn't want him tainting it. I've taken the advice on board though and now I'm only going to communicate via text so I've got a record for me so I know exactly what he has promised (so he can't say he didnt say it or said "maybe") and so he can't twist what I say either.

Today I replied to his message but ignored any references to his life and my life and only responded to the parts about dd. He replied a little about dd and then tried to turn the conversation about what's going on in his life. I replied again about dd and he ignored it completely and just replied about him and what he's been up to so I stopped replying. Normally I would have felt like I had to be polite and nice and pretend to be interested but after reading your replies, I decided that was my limit and ended the conversation. Hopefully he will have realised why I didnt reply and will soon learn that its just about dd now and he can't use me as a surrogate girlfriend when he's bored.

I've decided as well to stop asking why he's broken the promise or plans with dd because he turns it around on me ("I've had enough of this" "i only said id try to" was what he said last time). I think I've come to the realisation that the promises he makes help him convince himself he is making an effort but to me and anyone else its clear he's not, so I will just keep a record of it rather than trying to get him to stick to what he says because it just doesn't work.

Hopefully this will make the whole thing less stressful!

Can only repeat- do not tell the DCs of his plans - it does make everything they do as a surprise and sort of more exciting but it sure as hell beats the absolute heart breaking look of desolation when they get let down.

Wish mine would just have regular contact, it is always at the last minute eg, lsat week 1500, he decides to pick up dcs from school - effing ruined my plans but.....

I think you're playing this exactly right - don't get drawn into any pointless and unnecessary crap about his life or his opinion of your life. The only thing you need to communicate with him is about DD. Ignore everything else.

I was very good at this kind of limited, business-like approach when my ex was being a pain in the arse. I found it much harder to maintain when things were going well. What I learned the hard way was that the playing nice stuff was always, but always, merely a prelude to my ex sticking the boot in once again. Now I just stick to the bare minimum all the time regardless of how my ex is behaving. It works better for me that way.

It doesn't matter what his excuses are for why he fails to turn up and it's pointless arguing with him about it. Pointing out to a twat that they're acting like a twat is a waste of time; they're just going to carry on acting like a twat because, at the end of the day, they're a twat.

Yy to text, email only. It is easier to only answer the relevant questions and gives you time to react to anything provocative privately and respond sensibly.

Yy to not letting him in your house

Yy to not telling dcs in advance u til he's on your door step.

Yy to not discussing anything except the children.

In fact the only thing I have to add is, if he will not make and keep regular contact you can say to him
"ok shithead, dc will be available in wed eve after school from 15.30-18.30 then will be available on Sunday from 10.00 to 18.30, for any other times I will have plans which I MAY be able to rearrange with x weeks notice"

That way they have guaranteed availability and you can all still have a life

You create boundaries for yourself, both internal and external. The discomfort you are feeling is him ignoring the boundaries you already have in place, and you are under no obligation to allow him to do this. You don't need to let him into your life, you don't even need to see him. You can protect the children by not advertising that he has planned to come or call, so when he let's them down they are unaware and any hot air he blows about excuses file away and ignore. You don't confront him, you inform him and then close down the conversation. You communicate by email, and not text/phone/other. Then you have a record of what he is saying, but also it is less instant so creates a natural boundary. He needs to understand, through the above behaviour from you, that kicking off, becoming aggressive and demanding will have zero impact on you anymore. If he shouts - leave, put the phone down, remove yourself. Then it has no impact. On an emotional level it is much harder, but time helps, moving on with your own life helps, and if you need it therapy.

XP was given 6 months of chances to turn up on time and not scream abuse. Which he couldn't stick to.

We then had a mediation session which he was kicked out of and 2 non-attended contact centre sessions. So all in all it was a year from breakup to no further contact.

It was ridiculous pandering to his whims and moods all the time. He had a chance to be a parent and blew it.

ah.... how long is a piece of string!!! its a control thing, its a real shame that some NRP do this it really doesnt help the kids involved. Some NRP do this for a short time others for many years until the child is 18!!!! some nrp think children are an asset of the marriage/relationship and they are entilled to half. these kids end up sooooo messed up emotionally. Just do your best to be the best parent you can and ignore the childish tantrums of your ex whenever possible, you cant win every battle so pick the ones that are really important and try not to get drawn into one in the first place.

I personally feel that children are better off in just one household (although mine are split between the two). I grew up flitting between the two and it is unsettling to say the least. Give your ex a chance, sure, but if he is not up to it your dd will, in my opinion, be better off settled with you. I'm sure I'll get a slating for this but it is grounded in years of experience.