Am I in the wrong here?

[IRCL]

Hi I need an outsiders perspective.. OK here goes.

My daughter's dad sees her roughly about once a month due to his "busy" lifestyle. During this time my daughter completely forgets who her dad is. I show her pictures and try and explain but I don't think it has sunk in, she is three and a half.

Ex was supposed to come over last Sunday via bus but apparently no buses were on so it would be later..we had plans that day and said because two hours weren't enough he would leave it. We re arranged our plans and I informed him he could have all day with our daughter. He seemed to ignore this.

He said he wants to take her with him to his via taxi. I said I wasn't completely comfortable with this as DD rarely goes to anyone and I know she would not go off with her dad whilst I stayed here as she regards him as a stranger. I said he needs to see her more regularly for her to know him as her dad. I have no trouble with him taking her to the park here and going for a picnic without me being present I said that once he had done this I wouldn't mind her going with him to his.

He has said that I need to let go and force her to go with him, this is something I really don't want to do.

Am I being unreasonable here? He ignored our daughter for the first year of her life and denied paternity, had two DNA tests and has never once bathed her, fed her, changed he'd, nothing.

I have asked him what he wants to do and he hasn't replied for days, should I just let it go?

Sorry it's so long!

It all sounds incredibly chaotic and unfair on your DD.

I would set out some formal proposals for contact in an email, giving him a fixed date to reply. So say suggest that on alternate Saturdays, he takes DD to the park/swimming etc for 2 hours. Emphasis on the fact that this is to allow her time to get to know him without causing her any distress.

If he doesn't reply and engage by the date you have requested, then ignore until his next contact. Then repeat your suggestions.

It may be worth considering mediation if you can't start to get some degree of stability in place for your daughter.

What a crappy situation for you and dd.

I said he needs to see her more regularly for her to know him as her dad. Agree with this. If this was a dad who had been heavily involved in her life and now she was finding it hard to go, I would be more inclined to think you should "force" her.

However, he had no contact for a year and doesn't seem that arsed atm. I doubt he is going to make more of an effort.

Family mediation? Even if he won't go, sometimes they will do a one on one session with you so you can check what you are offering is in dd's best interest.

Keep a diary of what you offer, him not replying, when he actually sees her etc.

Thank you for your replies.

It's been four days now and no response.

Think mediation is probably the only way we can come to some sort of arrangement which is a shame as I don't think I am being unreasonable really.

I will keep a note of everything I've said. I think he feels like he doesn't like me controlling what he does with dd. Purple thing luckily my dad seems quite resilient at the moment. Thankfully.