How do you learn to trust someone new around your children?

[ChallengeAnt]

I'm thinking I will be single forever now because I'm frightened of letting the wrong person into dd's life. All those stories you see in the news where the boyfriend or girlfriend of a single parent kills the child has scared me so much. Especially the ones where they have been together for several years because you'd think by then you'd know someone when WHAM they are a murderer.

I just can't imagine trusting someone with dd even after being with them for years how do you know you truly know them?. Is there anyway to get past this or am I stuck forever alone?

Hello, ChallengeAnt

I've just come out of a 6 month relationship with someone. But he was wonderful with my son. And in fact, enhanced my son's life because he was very outdoorsy and took a great interest in my boy. And he had a son of his own who was a couple of years older. I think you have to trust your instincts. And, you have to take it very, very gradually. I met my boyfriend's family quite early on. Mother, brother, cousins, grandmother and so on. And his friends. And I saw him with his own son and the son of one of his neighbours (who was also a single dad) and I felt that he could be trusted. You can tell a lot about a person from their family and friends. Just take plenty of precautions. Get to know the new man slowly. Don't let unpleasant news stories put you off, just make sure that you REALLY get to know them.

It isn't the be-all and end-all having a partner but it made a great difference to my life as a single mum and I was very happy for the time that we were together.

Most men aren't potential murderers and abusers. Selfish, commitmentphobics - yes!

It took me 8 months before I let OH meet dd but that's because I was insecure. Knowing how he is with her now, I'm glad I waited but I wish I had seen it earlier. He's brilliant with her and she loves him.

That's the part that worries me though. I could love and trust someone and be with them for months/years and they seem to love dd too and stuff and then something bad could still happen. How do I know they aren't one of the ones who grooms me to get to dd? Or one of the ones who has an anger problem very well hidden until he snaps on dd? It must be rare but i can't not worry about it :(

I know what you mean but as you say, fortunately these types of situations are few and far between - we only hear about the really horrible scenarios in the media.
I have only had one relationship since being a mum and I didn't introduce him to my DD but I was very close to it. As it happened I got dumped before I did so I'm glad I hadn't. That's more my fear, that she would get used to someone being there who did not plan to stick around. There are no guarantees with anything though, if there were I would still be married and not have to worry about it