Can you share how you split the time with each parent when it is roughly 50/50, I can't work out what's best.

[Crocodilio]

We have three children under six, and are about to separate. I am going to arrange counselling or mediation to try to agree our time with the children, holidays, etc, but am not sure what to start with or what works best.

Both of us are self employed so can be flexible about work days and times.

I think the baby is too young to leave me for more than one night/day at a time for now, but the other two will be ok for longer.

What's the ideal for the children in this very non-ideal situation? I can't bear the thought of the children feeling like they have no proper home and are constantly switching, but also can't bear to be without them for ages.

Should I even offer 50/50 or near to it?

How old are the older children?
My 8 year was certain that she wanted to spend half her time with each of us. So that is what we have done. She had two nights with each of us Monday to Thursday and then every other weekend Friday to Monday with each of us.

With children so young, I think trying to 'share' them straight down the middle in terms of 'time spent' is not in their best interests and you run the risk of fulfilling your own desires to have your rightful 'share' of them (this applies to your Ex as well whilst meaning that they are unsettled and insecure.The arrangements need to work for all three children and I would be vary of making different contact arrangements for the older kids. for such small children , shuttling between 2 houses with such frequency could lead to favourite comfort toys etc being left behind.

How amicable are things with your Ex ? If one of you was to remain in the house with the kids, would the other one be able to call a round regularly to spend time with them ? Perhaps a couple afternoon/evenings a week ? has your ex given any indication as to what he would like to do with regards contact arrangements?

I haven't asked the children, and only the six year old would be able to articulate the choice anyway.

Thkngs go between between amicable and not with ex and I, but I hope that it will be able to become more amicable once we're living apart.

I'll remain in the house (it's mine and we're not married) and he will rent nearby.

Concreteblonde, what would you suggest the contact schedule at his house should be, to which we could add on 'visit' type extras?

It's often suggested that a minimum would be every other weekend with one overnight a week but that does seem to be so very little in terms of a parent who has previously been very involved in childcare etc.
It might be useful to suggest that as a starting point though along with flexibility about him coming over during the week. Woudl you feel comfortable with going out and leaving him to put the kids to bed in your house?

That doesn't seem much, either for him or the kids. I wouldn't mind him coming to my house, I guess, but would seem odd to me and perhaps confusing to the children?

I'm finding it so hard to know what's best, as obviously the best thing is to stay together and be happy. Since that doesn't seem to be possible, I want to make it as good for rveryone as possible, but don't know how.

What 'patterns' do others use?

Hi.

We have two children aged 5 and 7 and we do 50/50 on a "week on week off" basis. That means they are with us for 7 nights and 8 days and then they go to their mums for 7 nights and 8 days.

Personally, I hate it, so does my DP. I think it is far too long for young children to not see their other parent. Their mum loves it though and will not agree to any changes or extra / alternative contact. It causes problems also as their mum won't let them do extra curricular activities or clubs, so the activities they do after school with us they can only do every other week as she won't take them or let us take them.

A common pattern of 50/50 that people use is having two weeknights each and then alternating weekends.

So:

Mon-Tues (mum)
Weds-Thurs (dad)
Fri-Sun (alternates each week)

That way the children have set weekdays with each parent for planned clubs and activities and spend an equal amount of weekend time with each parent. This is what my DP and I would like and hopefully their mum will agree in the future.

My 2 are 11 and 8 so older than yours. Their dad picks them up from school on Tuesday and Thursdays and brings them back to mine at 8pm that evening unless it's the school holidays when he brings them back the next day at 4pm. We then alternate Fridays and Saturdays so they go to their dads either Friday or Saturday overnight. We only live about a mile apart though so the traveling time is only 5 or so minutes.

So if it's term time it'll go like this:

W1 Tues & Thurs from school to 8pm. Friday night from school until Sat 4pm.
W2 Tues & Thurs from school to 8pm. Saturday 4pm to Sunday 4pm. We did try overnights at first but ex is useless at getting them to bed at a reasonable hour for school the next day. He'll sometimes stay and read them stories in bed if they want him too. Usually just the youngest though.

In the holidays we do:

W1 Mon & Wed 4pm to 4pm the following day. Friday 4pm to Sat 4pm.
W2 Tues & Thurs 4pm to 4pm the following day. Sat 4pm to Sun 4pm.

We find this works well as they don't go long before seeing the other parent. And us them!.

These posts are useful, thank you. I can't imagine doing week on/week off due to the extended time apart especially as mine are so young. It does seem very back and forth. I like the idea of after school til 8pm, as ex is useless at getting up to get them ready for school on time.

I grew up doing week about between my parents, and it was fine, but I was 10 when it started. Yours sound a bit young for a week away from either parent. I wouldn't do contact at your house if you can avoid it, as the boundaries between the two houses was an important part of why it was ok. Ie rules at mums and rules at dads were different, but I could cope because there was no crossover, no confusion. We moved on a Friday, so we were never moving on a school night, and had the weekend to settle in. We did go for tea on a Tuesday night for a couple of hours, so never went a whole week without seeing a parent. Set routines are good, otherwise it can get confusing.

Hi. I have 2 ds, aged 8 and 6.

Their dad had them every Sunday for the day, every other Sat night.

At least, that's what he's meant to have. Actually he cancels whenever it doesn't suit him (ie gf had morning sickness, so they had no overnights for 3 months)

I've offered him more, ie a weekday evening or overnight, but he's not interested :( although every so often he will slate me to all and sundry that I don't let him see them enough!

The only downside to our arrangement is I don't have whole weekend's with the dc unless he agrees to not see them that week... which of course leads to me being vilified for not 'letting' him see them.

You have to find an arrangement that works best for you. If things are amicable it will be easier. I have fought against 50:50 with my ex for my own children as things are far from amicable and he was never a hands on dad before the split. I feel that young children need to know where their main home is.

My partner has a 50:50 arrangement with his ex and it is very flexible and generally works around their work patterns.

Whatever arrangements you make now don't have to be forever, you can change them as they get older.

Ms Colour I do find your viewpoint very interesting and I am still undecided about whether it is best for a child to have a "main home" or if having two main homes when their parents have separated is in fact better for them.

OP Mrs Colour is correct, in that arrangements made now don't have to be forever, but please be very aware that a court place great importance on the "status quo" the longer the arrangement has been in place for the harder it is to get it changed if the other parent doesn't agree.

For instance, we have 50:50 residency, their mum suggested the week at a time pattern and my partner agreed. They needed a quick solution as there was no "pattern" of care at first, the children were confused and there were disagreements and problems all the time. Over time this has presented huge problems. We feel (my partner and I) that changing the pattern would be much better for the children (reasons such as I have listed in my above post) but their mother objects as she likes the week at a time. Despite them being both still young children we have been advised it will be hard to get a court to change it as it has now been the "status quo" for nearly 2 years.

Up until recently my ex used to have the kids on all his days off so it was different every week (1 overnight 1 week), long weekend the next, 2 nights the following week plus he would have them after school on a tues and for about 4 hours on a sunday. It worked for us except that I never had 1 set day that I could do anything (like an evening class)
Now his shifts have changed and he does 4 on, 4 off & still has the kids on all his days off. This is less ideal as they are with me less but we are going to make it so that we each get 1:1 time with them when I am more mobile.
Basically, what I am trying to say is that kids are adaptable and as long as they feel welcome in each home, they can have 2 homes rather than neither feeling like 'home'. Hope that makes sense. We are very amicable though & my dd comes home every morning & most days after school to collect things (I am not there so not to see me!!) which helps if things are left behind.
Also, my kids never know where they are going to be very far in advance (as it's too hard to work out) and it honestly doesn't cause them any concern at all.
I hope you manage to get something sorted.

What I should add is that my kids are 12 & 9 but were 9 & 6 when this first properly started. Also, I realise that I am lucky that my children are so adaptable but I think a big part of the reason they are is because it was 'normal' from the start for this to happen.
You know your children so you will know what will work best for them.

My DSSs did 50:50 from the ages of 10 and 8 - every other weekend from Friday-Monday, and the same two nights (Tuesday and Wednesday) with us, and Monday and Thursday at their mother's. DP did the morning school run every day when they were at primary school, even when they had spent the night at their mother's home, and he had lunch with them on Fridays. Holidays were split in half. I think it generally worked well until they got to the stage when they had a lot of homework and wanted/needed more stability.

Just thought i would add my experience

I share 50 / 50 (Monday and Tues evenings and alternate weekends Fri to Mon morning) with ex wife.

It does require communication (ie ex picks daughter up on wed evening with clarinet and i need it back by monday or ensuring DSIs are in correct house).

We have been doing this for a year (daughter now 10 and son 6).

My ex recently wanted to reduce the days saying kids did not enjoy being at mine as much but i knew it was so she could claim more maintenance (she made mistake of confiding in mutual friend).

The big disadvantage is i am not in family home and ex will not allow a split of the toys so there is a perception that they do not have the feeling of two homes.

I sometimes wonder if i am being selfish by wanting to maintain as much contact with my children as possible as ex says i very rarely dropped off or picked up from school before. But then realise that helping daughter buy clothes, take them to after school clubs and being interested in their day to day stuff is something i want them to remember.

The children seem to have adapted. There are times when they do not want to come to mine but i know there are also times that they do not want to go to ex's.

Even though our separation is not amicable I will always reinforce to the children that they have two homes and not put down ex in front of children.

I know a friend who has fifty / fifty with a similar days to me and their kids are aged 3,5 and 13 and kids are fine.

I am lucky that both ex and I agree on a lot of things. ie times they should be in bed, bath nights, who checks for nits!!

Being a single parent can be a nightmare and i only do it for half the week so hats off to those who do full time.