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Original poster

Absent father wants to pop in before sons operation!

12 replies

usthreeinrugby · 05/06/2013 11:59

I left my now ex husband five years ago and tried every which way to encourage him to see the kids, even paying for his petrol and giving him overnight accommodation. but two years ago he told my son to his face that he no longer wants to see him as its too much hastle and to come back when he is 16. Clearly my son who was only 7 was gutted ( my daughter who was 5 said never mind I didn't like him anyway!) and he suffered many nightmares and tears for the next year. His father always wrote every 6 weeks and sent birthday/xmas cards but his letters always told my kids how I have stopped him seeing the kids which is not true. I sent a contact order through the solicitors about 18 months ago but his solicitor said he had declined on the grounds it was too upsetting to only see them every now and again. Anyway my son has to have his tonsills out and his father has written to say he wants to come down and be by his side for the operation! My son is desperate to have a relationship with his dad despite all of the awful stuff he has done, but I do not think it is sensible for him to turn up at such a nervous time especially as he has no intentions of having regular contact. However my friend has advised that I am putting my feelings before my sons, what do I do? My gut reaction is to tell him no
ps Im am trying very hard to be sensible and not emotional but I am fuming!!!!

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 05/06/2013 12:12

'My son is desperate to have a relationship with his dad' - that's the key. Your ex sounds pretty hopeless BUT he is his father and is making contact here. I would be clear with him that:
a) he is hurting his son by declining regular contact
and
b) slagging you off is not on - you welcome him seeing the kids regularly if they wish it.

Then i would let him come and be a dad for the day and see how it goes. Maybe this is the start of something good. Maybe not. I think for your children's sake you have to try.

rainbowfeet · 05/06/2013 12:20

I think sadly that because of the way your sons dad has treated him he is old enough to understand a conversation like... Darling I've agonised over the decision to let your Dad come to the hospital, I feel like he doesn't deserve another chance but I know you would like him there. What hurts me is that I can't stop him letting you down again if he does but I'll always be here & I'll never let you down so you don't have to worry because I love you enough for the 2 of us! Grin

What a horrible man, how can he say such a thing to his own son! Shock

Good luck for the op x

Original poster
usthreeinrugby · 05/06/2013 12:51

Thankyou, I just worry that he has only said he will come and be in the hospital and not arranging proper contact. He hasn't even mentioned my daughter! It feels very shallow and like he is doing it for himself rather than for my son. I will talk to my son tonight and let him know the situation. My son would love to know his dad but he also remembers the hurt he caused him before so I think for him to suddenly turn up on the day of an operation is actually very out of order and if he is serious about a relationship with the kids - not just my son - then he can arrange proper contact through the solicitor. There backbone suddenly grown! x

OP posts:
ciderwithrosie1 · 05/06/2013 12:58

It sounds like the father is choosing a particularly selfish time to reappear in your son's life so that he can expect lots of gratitude from his son who will be feeling vulnerable and needy. It is emotional blackmail! It won't help your son's recovery if his father suddenly reappears for the op then disappears out of his life again! It is a dreadful way to treat a child and your ex is being extremely manipulative. If he wanted to see his son, he would have been arranging contact all along. I personally think that you should say that you are not against a regular, stable contact time for father and son agreed through mediation, but that it is not appropriate to resume contact when your son is anxious about his operation and naturally, less emotionally stable.

If the father has any real intention of establishing proper contact and really loves his son, he will be very happy to wait and not hijack a medical procedure to his own ends. He is completely exploiting this operation! How dare he! If he genuinely wants proper contact and will legally agree to adhere to an arrangement, then fine. If not, it's not fair on your son. You have to protect him. Poor you!

sugarandspite · 05/06/2013 12:58

A similar thing happenned with my friend who decided to allow her DDs absent father to be present at a (very minor) procedure.

Her DD became very anxious and unhappy and it emerged that she had come to the conclusion that he was coming because she was probably going to die. Poor kid. She was fine of course.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 05/06/2013 12:58

I agree that your son's wish to have a relationship with his father must come first but is the day of the op really the time for that reunion???

Won't it just all be too much for your son? I'd suggest that father makes his reappearance afterwards.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/06/2013 13:01

I dont think its a good idea for him to suddenly appear on the day your son is due an op, he needs to make arrangmeents to begin contact properly.

For him to dip in and out will really mess with your son as he is clearly emotionally attached to his father, I don't think he needs the additional worry of seeing his dad and wondering if he'll be there after the op etc.

Say no to this contact suggest he arranges contact for when your son is out of hospital.

burberryqueen · 05/06/2013 13:01

what sugarandspite said, sounds like a natural child's reaction. So just say no, tell him you have to put the children first, what about your daughter? plus that 'your mother prevented contact' is such bollocks, that is what my ex tells my kids now too, Angry

rainbowfeet · 05/06/2013 13:05

Men like him are very selfish & he is probably only suggesting it out of guilt & to make himself feel better!!! Us mums have to rise above it & be the better person.... When all we want to really do us tell the twat to fuck off & leave us alone!!!!!!! Then you can't even have the satisfaction of knowing you we're right & the tosser has disappeared again because you have to pick of the pieces of your child's broken heart!!! Confused It sucks!!!!

squeelybean · 05/06/2013 13:27

I would normally say yes you must let him be there if thats what your son wants but what a nightmare for your DS if he doesnt show up on the daySad

The risk of that happening would be far too big so i would see if he wants to visit a couple of days before the surgery and take it from there.

Your Ex sounds a prick but your DS does want him in his life and wont thank you for not allowing it even though you only have his best interests at heart.

Selfish tosser!....... your DC deserve better but kids seem to be programmed to love them until they get to the age when they realise who loves them and who is self absorbed and not worth the hassle.

meglet · 05/06/2013 13:31

I'd tell him to keep away.

He has already let your DS down and now is not the time for him to start playing the doting father.

Of course your DS wants a relationship with his father,but his father has already shown he isn't capable of that.

Personally I'd tell him to wait until his DS is recovered then he can start contact again.

betterthanever · 06/06/2013 21:07

I'm with cider that he is using this as a way to manipulate. He has probably been troubled that his DS may not want to see him now and this is a good time to keep in with him in case the selfish FW wants to pop back in at any other time that suits him not your DS.
It's very sad and I can understand it is a massive dilema but the fact you got the reply from his sol as you did about contact said it all for me.

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