Can't stand the loneliness again

[ciderwithrosie1]

I'm a divorced single mum of one 5 year old. 4 weeks ago, I split up with a lovely partner of 6 months. I was so happy. I had been divorced and alone for the 3 years prior to this and had felt so isolated and my life was transformed by meeting this single dad who was wonderful with my child. He suffers from a mental illness and decided that he can't cope with relationships and it ended very suddenly. I feel bereft and isolated again. I am very tearful. I know other mums in the area but they are all married and don't really socialise. Just nice to chat to at the school gates. And I can only get out rarely anyway, what with babysitters etc. I don't know any other single mums in my area and I have no old, established friends here as I moved to Bedfordshire to be near my mum. Which has been a godsend.
I am feeling such a failure at 40. I know it's pathetic to be so lonely, but I am. I've been doing my best to stay busy and I work part-time but I am not really coping very well especially when my child is at their dad's on Saturdays. I can't believe I'm going through this again as it looked like it was for keeps. All of the horrendous divorce upset has returned. All helpful suggestions greatly appreciated. Am miserable.

In sorry your hurting, your not a failure though!

Same old shit I'm afraid you just need to keep putting yourself out there, try out lots of different activities so your meeting new people. Its exhausting I know but it's the only way

But, the problem is I can't try lots of activities! I already sing in a choir once a week. Mum babysits but I can't ask her to do more. She has a partner and her own life and I can't afford babysitters. All of my best friends are spread across the country and the rest of the world.

I can really relate to this. My marriage failed when I was pregnant (not my choice), and up until last year I had been completely single and lonely. I started seeing a lovely guy from work and thought I'd cracked it - I thought I'd met the one. Except I hadn't, I got dumped. I was broken hearted and I still miss him even now - probably not helped by the fact I still have to see him at work. I don't have a social life outside work, and I end up doing housework and food shopping on the days my DD sees her Dad. Give yourself some time - remember your break up is very fresh. It will get easier to cope with - the immediate pain and disappointment will lessen. But you need to give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship. I'm still lonely but I'm trying to distract myself the best I can....it get's easier and we never know what's around the corner

Thanks for your lovely message, Rita. Yes, I thought I had met 'the one'. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. It got more complex. I became pregnant (he was really pleased) but then had an early miscarriage and then things deteriorated. It was all too much. He decided he wouldn't have coped in the long term and is better on his own. I miss him terribly. And am really suffering a double loss. If it weren't for my lovely boy, I would not cope. Poor you having to face this man at work - that must be awful for you! I'm so sorry. And like you, I don't really have a social life. Every few weeks, I meet up with a couple of friends in London for a drink. And in the holidays, I occassionally go for a day trip to old friends. I don't have my son on Saturdays as I fill that with house work and work (I'm a teacher) or food shopping. It's so depressing. The thought of trying to meet someone else is also terrible too - I can't keep going through all of this.

You've been through so much - I'm really sorry. Sounds like his way of coping was to retreat in to himself.
Try to be kind to yourself and if you can, build in some treats to look forward to on a Saturday e.g. the odd facial, going to the cinema etc... I should really try to follow that advice myself!

Sorry to hear you are going through it ciderwithrosie the only option is to join perhaps one more thing that plenty of single women go to or single women or men, the trouble is what?

Or go online and try dating a few men.... If you can cope with that that is.

I too am still short of friends as I live in Derbyshire and have moved up here 5 years ago from London and owing to economic factors cannot go out much either although I have found a handy teenager for £2 an hour.

The neighbourhood up here just isn't a neighbourhood that is transient enough to have interesting single people in it by and large I have tried my best but believe me you are not alone. It is not a well travelled neighbourhood at all I long to move to Kent but don't have the means just yet. In a few years ....

If you look up www.meetup.com in your neighbourhood there will be lots of social groups to join perhaps you could join something that is run on a Saturday if it is only once a month it would be a start. I did that for particular interests of mine I have a few more contacts through that. However as for local friends I only have one single woman friend that I talk to. Do try the meetup option it is quite handy to have there will be plenty of single people going to that. Good luck and remember you have us to talk to/moan at many of us have the same problems!!

Yes, I have arranged a few minor treats on Saturdays, Rita. And I've arranged visits to old friends with my son etc. Kept busy over half term. Not sure with whom I would go to the cinema though! I just feel very empty and lost.

Thanks for the very kind message, equinox. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I am actually very outgoing and sociable and grew up in a few, lively and busy house with my parents and brothers so the isolation as a single parent of one is particularly hard. I don't crave going out (although that's nice sometimes). I crave people with a common bond and a soulmate too. I felt it was extreme luck that I met this man as we clicked instantly and had so much in common. I feel it's unlikely I'll achieve that again. I don't miss my home in Kent. I knew people from my antenatal group there but they weren't long established friends and I knew I couldn't afford to stay in the marital home so I moved to Bedfordshire to be near my mum and because it's cheaper to live here. Half the mortgage. But I'm in a village and there are just no single parents around.And similar to your area, it's not 'transient'. I haven't heard of the meetup site but will try it - thank you for that! I met my recent partner doing online dating. I'm not anti-online dating. How else do you meet people? It's a lottery. But it is quite a demoralising and depressing process. It took a long time to meet the right person. I don't think I'm ready to do that again as you have to be quite thick skinned and prepared for knock-backs and I've not recovered from my relationship at all. Only 6 weeks ago, my partner was moving in and I was expecting a baby in November and a very happy future. And now - nothing. Anyway, must stop here. Got to get to the childminder and to work! I so appreciate your messages - I feel a bit less alone and odd. Really, it is so kind of you all!

You are welcome ciderwithrosie I do wish you well in it all.

Yes my son goes to a village school too although I live in the neighbouring dinky town there is a sheer scarcity of single parents i.e. only 1 in 10 in the class whereas places such as cities and larger towns generally have say 3 out of 10 single parents minimum so more people to hook up with, and where I live in the east midlands it is so clannish too whereas people are perfectly nice they just aren't sociable enough to invite you out.

Meetup dot com is a really excellent option provided you have means for childcare and the time e.g. a Saturday afternoon (I am not good at nights out as I am into early nights although quite sociable by day with the right crowd lol) you would find both male and females there although largely females but it isn't a dating phenomenon and you can make contacts and hopefully some interesting friends through that I just haven't got round to it much yet owing to a lack of means but will work on that shortly as I am putting my son in childcare alternate Saturdays with a view to mixing and a bit more rest for me too and he so enjoys the childminder too. I think most of the meets are evenings however but see what your interests are e.g. art galleries/cinema etc. and take it from there at least you will get out and mix beyond child chores and work itself and some of those will have had children others not there is at least a cross section although that is in the neighbouring cities largely most meets so hopefully in Bedford there are some larger towns and cities for you not too far away from eg. petrol and time point of view. Good luck!

hope that you all agree that this will help, being on mumsnet. I was a member a few years ago, when my dc were younger (now 7.5 and 5.5), and found myself needing more likeminded individuals - at least on here you can pick and choose, what to join in with, what to leave for a while, and you are not judged.
I've joined this thread, as at the end of a turbulent 3 years, my divorce comes through 13th June (give or take). I whilst most days I and completely enthralled about it, I've often found that Saturday nights (when I'm without the dc) the worst, because on this night the world seems to be full of couples and families - some weeks are worse than others.
The future is full of wonder and quite frankly scares the living day-lights out of me - not to have someone to share your innermost worries, to have their support (not that we did otherwise we wouldn't all be on own!), or just to say hello - we can fill each area of life with 'friends', but friends have lives too, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, children, holidays...no amount of help from our own parents (should we be lucky enough to have them around to help) can fill the gaping hole that is left by not loving that someone special that makes you feel warm, dizzy, comfortable, whatever it is.....at at pms time my depression on this subject always seem to take a massive downward turn (I've Mirena coil, which seems to have exacerbated the situation too)....so this week I decided I would have to do something about it - and here I am....Being out of the winter sports playing season, I'm missing my 'boys' terribly - I get to mix with mums and dads all winter long, which is great - a good mixed bag of marrieds, with a few lones thrown in for comfort, and being a 'women seeking man' at least I take comfort in having only boys, and therefore much of my socialising around the boys involves men - I know this is a very advantageous position to be in meeting anyone - but at the end of the day the like mindedness of the parents doing the same activities with their children is sometimes enough to bind new friendships. From the outside world we are great at 'holding it all together' and 'putting a brave face on it' - but everyone has to do that from time to time, lone parent or otherwise.....importance is to be there for each when we need it....so carry on bending the ears......(only women can put so many different subjects into one thread - its' our expertise!) xx

There seems to be quite a lot of evening stuff on meetup in this area, equinox. Not so much daytime. But I will try it out. Have you found that other single parents use it?

Freedom 567 - I don't have my son on Saturdays because he's with his dad. And I agree, the world definitely seems like it's full of couples and families on Saturdays. I don't like to intrude as I know that time with husbands and wives and children is precious. But it really feels terribly isolating. I doubt my son is going to be particularly sporty so I'm not sure I'll have the handy social outlet that you do! Can you encourage yours to do cricket in the summer?! Then you get to cover that season too!

At least Mumsnet makes you realise that, although you may be alone on a Saturday night and feeling like a social outcast due to your circumstances, you aren't the only one. That there are plenty of single mums going through exactly the same stuff at the same time. It's quite comforting. Just a pity we don't all live within 10 mins of each other!

Another one here with a heart broken after six months with a lovely man (who works opp primary school so am physically reminded/run the chance of seeing him twice a day). Am sure it will stop hurting, but at the moment just feel what a waste the last six months have been and wondering if he meant any of what he said, trying not to hate him but equally wanting to because it would stop me 'wanting' him. Gah! Thought I left these feelings in my teenage years!

Oh no! Then you are feeling EXACTLY the same as me!!! I also feel my last 6 months were a sham. I so didn't want to be hurt again but took a risk as it had been 2.5 years since my divorce. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life etc etc. and then, very abruptly, has disappeared from my life. I would never say this to someone if I didn't mean it so, I can't fathom why a man would do just that... At least, when I was a teenager, there were plenty more fish in the sea. But not quite the same at 40....

Cricket here we come 'ciderwithrosie1', and for the two of you...'neverbeentome', I'm really sorry for you both, it does go to show that they really don't grow up, and are quite selfish (not bitter and twisted...honest)... X

Try it at 46, Cider! Time is not on my side!

ciderwithrosie yes single parent women will also go to meet up dot com groups there will be a cross section single men too but NOT a picking up or pulling site - I had also realised I could recommend Spice and Midsommers Eve to you for meeting men and women for activities/social trips etc. - but for some reason meet up is more comprehensive I was really quite impressed with it. I do hope you enjoy the experience and get a lot out of it. I have met a number of most interesting people out of it with likeminded interests. The other thing I would say about Spice and Midsommers Eve was that it was for the slightly younger age groups although that could just be up this region and not across the board do check those out if meetup dot com doesn't measure up, but for some reason I think it will - childcare funds and energy/time permitting!! It is always a good idea to motivate ourselves these summer months too so that come winter we have a few nice people to keep in touch with even if we get more lazy socially come October - February period we can chat via facebook to them etc. arrange meets of our own too and add them to the meet up groups. Good luck!

ciderwithrosie yes single parent women will also go to meet up dot com groups there will be a cross section single men too but NOT a picking up or pulling site - I had also realised I could recommend Spice and Midsommers Eve to you for meeting men and women for activities/social trips etc. - but for some reason meet up is more comprehensive I was really quite impressed with it. I do hope you enjoy the experience and get a lot out of it. I have met a number of most interesting people out of it with likeminded interests. The other thing I would say about Spice and Midsommers Eve was that it was for the slightly younger age groups although that could just be up this region and not across the board do check those out if meetup dot com doesn't measure up, but for some reason I think it will - childcare funds and energy/time permitting!! It is always a good idea to motivate ourselves these summer months too so that come winter we have a few nice people to keep in touch with even if we get more lazy socially come October - February period we can chat via facebook to them etc. arrange meets of our own too and add them to the meet up groups. Good luck!

Glad you like the cricket idea, Freedom! It can be very sociable. My son is a bit young yet but in the next village, the parents sit at the pavilion on a Friday evenings as the kids have cricket lessons and sessions. And matches on Saturdays. V popular.

NeverBeenToMe - I think it's great being a woman in your 40s if you're happily married with (or without) kids. Apparently, statistically it's supposed to be marvellous. Not so as a rejected and lonely single mum!!! And my experience of men in my generation is that they have managed to put off any kind of responsibility and commitment for anyone other than themselves for so long that they are unbelievably selfish and self-absorbed in relationships and as parents. I think that I come from a very selfish generation in general - both men and women - but, because I try to be a good mum and do my best for my child and put him first, I've overcome some of that naive selfishness. But men just walk away from it. They make a conscious decision to leave relationships and children and I don't. I don't think their bond with their children and partners can be anywhere near so deep. It's shocking, really and I am weary of it.

Equinox - will look up Spice and Midsommer's Eve. Sounds intriguing - never heard of it!!! I tried to book myself on a sailing course which looked to be running for six weeks on a Wednesday night. Even persuaded my ex to babysit for a couple of hours for those 6 weeks. No availability - course not running. Am VERY disappointed. I could do a 2-day course but I felt it would be something to look forward to each week and would take my mind off things. Am going to a crochet lesson on SAturday though and the teacher says that, fortnightly, she goes to a sort of Stitch n Bitch thing in her town pub with other mums. So I might be able to join them. And one of the mums at my son's school says she belongs to her local WI and they meet up monthly for a Stitch N Bitch in a pub too. Liking the sound of this! Just got to fork out for a babysitter but it's not weekly and would probably be good for me. Thanks so much for your ideas and advice. It's motivated me to sign up for things and pursue other options. Maybe something will come of it. xxx

Am desperately trying to stay positive as I'm so low and near to tears a lot. Can you tell?!

Sounds like you're being really proactive which is great! Hope you enjoy crochet and sounds like it might lead to other things too. Stitch and bitch sounds like fun!!
I'm more of wonder web than sewing sort of girl so I don't think I'd be allowed to join one of these!
Let the tears come when they need to, and keep making the plans and see what happens.

Thank you, Rita! Managed to sign up to another sailing course after all. Mum will babysit for the 6 evenings. Think it will do me good.

Really pleased for you and it's inspiring me to make plans too - so thanks for that.

well done ciderwithrosie.....fab, and as you say ritafajita....inspiring.....off to my first cricket on friday, and really looking forward to it....keeping busy is the point really - happy week x

Wow - very proactive with the cricket, Freedom567! Hurrah! I've got my first sailing lesson tonight... I'm really glad I planned it as I discovered my spare key on the doormat from the former boyfriend. Will be too busy to think about it tonight.

And I had crochet lesson on Saturday - can now crochet a bit and it's rather addictive. Would def work well in a pub with a group of others! Let us know what you get up to, RitaFajita!

Have a happy week too! x