Is ex being unfair?

[Change2013]

Hi, have been a lone parent for almost two years. Have posted before in relationships because it wasn't an amicable split (OW involved and ex moved away to live with her, later found out ex has cheated numerous times).

Ex is quite a selfish person and has upset our children since the split over various things. When he first left he refused to discuss maintenance and I had to go the CSA route. I barely have any contact with him now because of his behaviour, there is too much to post here but I only realised after he'd gone that he was emotionally abusive. He would lose his temper and hit doors too.

Eldest child was upset by her dads behaviour and won't see him. My youngest is 10 and sees dad for tea one night and every other weekend.

I have got over my anger at ex now, though it took a long time and involved seeing a counsellor. I've tried to be flexible where needed when youngest child sees ex as I was trying to keep the split as amicable as possible in the circumstances. However I feel that ex is still trying to wind me up/be controlling. Eg constantly late collecting or bringing youngest child back. He was almost an hour late collecting on Friday and then yesterday was 40 minutes late bringing back. I found out afterwards it was because they'd been to a family event which he knew about in advance and rather than discuss in advance he just sent a text an hour before they were due back that just stated he would be coming back late (ie didn't apologise for any inconvenience or check it was ok).

Part of me feels I just need to ignore his behaviour but on the other hand , it also affects arrangements I've made for my life which ive had to work hard to move on with. Ex has never taken responsibility, I always had to be the grown up in the relationship. We only have informal arrangements in place, he promised to sort the divorce once things were settled but of course hasn't.

My family think the only way he will understand is if im late for when he is collecting but that seems childish and could make the situation worse. i cant discuss rationally with ex because to him im to blame for everything.

What would you do?

Its really difficult because you don't want to impact on your DD by messing him about but he needs to see how disruptive this is for you. Perhaps you could just text him every 5 minutes he is late saying "are you nearly here, I'm going out at xxpm" and then when he says he's going to be late back say "Ok, I have to go out now as I was expecting her to be home, so I'll let you know when I'm back and you can drop her off then".

You can be polite about it and make sure that DD isn't disrupted (don't suppose she'll mind an extra hour or so with her dad) but once he starts being messed around too perhaps he will be a bit more considerate (hopeful, but I know its unlikely).

I always make plans for when my DCs are out and he still has a key, so can drop off their bags etc when I'm not here, just so he knows that I'm not always on hand to sort things out.

Thanks DoingitforMyself, it is really difficult. I'd always hoped if we split we would be able to co-parent amicably. But due to things that have happened its impossible and I'm aware through my family history of how that can affect the children.

I do try to arrange things for when youngest child is at dads but I still have another (teenager) with me. She refuses to see her dad and is quite a stroppy teen so sometimes hard for me to do what I'd like to as she's not at the age where I'd leave her for long.

I'm just getting tired of the disrespect from ex - he got to do what he wanted, while I have the main responsibility for our children in all ways, financially, emotionally etc. And yet he still can't stick to the arrangements we agreed.

all I can say is recod it everytime. keep notes. if one time you hve to go ouit fo an appointment and takee dd 2 with you because he did not collect, and he lies and says you ae blocking contact, you then have the evidence that he is the one messing about.

I think you probably need to request a chat with your ex (away from the children) about contact. Explain that you don't want to have an argument but that his consistent lateness and lack of warning is not just inconvenient for you and your arrangements, it is unfair on your child. It is unacceptable,upsetting and hurtful to turn up an hour late without good reason for a child who is eagerly awaiting his arrival. And also, it demonstrates the wrong attitude towards time-keeping to your child. When she's a teenager, you would be extremely worried if you e.g asked her to be back at 5pm and she didn't appear. But, if that's what Daddy does, then why isn't it ok for her? If he protests, you could say that you will have no option but to make formal arrangements through mediation and court as your informal agreement isn't currently working. If he can't be trusted to collect and more importantly, to return your child at the agreed time, then perhaps his contact should be restricted? I know it is unpleasant to have confrontation of any sort. And I also realise that you don't want to make things more unpleasant than they already are but, for your own sake and that of your children, you probably need to draw a line. If you accept his behaviour, he'll push it further. And as other people have suggested, make dated and timed notes of his tardiness so that you have evidence. Hope that's of some use?

Thanks all for your replies. I think I will have to calmly but assertively deal with this because weeks ago I let him know that being constantly late was unfair for our son and disrespectful to me. It's like he wants to provoke an argument which I don't understand.

I agree that if I don't act he will push it further. I thought things were finally calming down after all the unpleasantness.

Confrontation is always awful. And I can see that you'd be reluctant to provoke more nastiness from him. But, I suppose he's pushing it because, currently, he's getting away with it. Like some naughty teenager.

Good luck and hope there is a successful outcome.