Hi,
I'm not sure if this is in the right place.
I'm 34 and last year I had my beautiful little girl, unfortunately her father wants nothing to do with us so I'm bringing her up alone. I used to live abroad and had been very happy there but had to leave after I got pregnant, I guess that's one of my biggest problems now, I just can't settle back in the UK.
The biggest problem is that I came home for a while to have my baby and get on my feet again with the intention of going back abroad and carrying on with my life. I know life can never be the way it was but I planned to incorporate my baby into my life there as best I could. Anyway, my Mum and brother are so in love with my daughter that I just don't know how I'll ever be able to take her away from here. They both know that I'm not happy here but avoid the issue like the plague. I've tried to make the most of it, I've got a part time job and I've gone to mums and tots groups and made some mummy friends, but what can I say, I just have such a heavy heart. This is not how I wanted to bring her up, I feel trapped and frustrated. My Mum and brother are getting all the fun times with no stress and I'm the one who's had to sacrifice everything, I'm starting to feel resentful and I hate that, they're my family and I love them!
Sorry, this is all just spilling out, I hope it makes sense. My Mum is 66 and a widow my brother is 42 and has no kids. I love them both and they have done so much for me and my daughter in the last 6 months, but do I have to pay them back forever? Surely they've done it out of love, she's their granddaughter/niece and she'll always be a part of their lives, they can visit as much as they want. I even said my Mum could come and live with us but she won't leave the UK.
This has been a massive problem for me, my HV told me to go to the doctors and she prescribed antidepressants which I'm no longer taking due to the side effects and she even wanted me to see a counsellor. Is it just me? Am I being unreasonable? I know it'll be hard going abroad with a young child but it doesn't feel foreign to me. Has anyone else moved abroad with a child? I feel like this is having such a negative effect on what should be such a happy and special time. I hate how things are right now and wish I could see an end to it.
I really don't know where to turn. I get so down sometimes and my Mum thinks I'm being ungrateful, afterall I have this beautiful baby and should be so happy...the last time I was feeling bad she told me I should just go and move on with my life and she'd bring up my baby, as horrifying as that thought is, I'm actually considering it. My doctor does not think this is PND and neither do I, my unhappiness is all based on my circumstances, I've always hated living here.
I used to teach English as a foreign language and now I want to get my PGCE so I can get a better job abroad and look after my daugher better. But what's the point in doing a really demanding course for a year if at the end of it my Mum and brother get upset and make me feel so guily that I can't leave? I really hope I'm not sounding ungrateful because believe me I'm not, I can never thank them enough for what they've done for me, I just want to be able to make some decisions for myself. They were both quite unhappy here and always wanted me to move home, I feel like my daughter has given them both such joy, but this can't go on forever at the expense of my happiness.
I can't stay in my hometown or even in this country. I'm prepared to stay until I've done my PGCE but that will be it. I also need to get a flat of my own as my Mum is taking over and I haven't bonded with my daugher properly, but once again she doesn't think I should move out, she just sees it as me wanting to get away from her and asks, 'why don't you like it here? you've never wanted to be here!' But it's not her, I just know what I want in life and I know what I want to give my daughter.
ultimately I feel I either break her heart by taking my daughter away or I break my own spirit by staying here.
Sorry for making this so long, is there anyone else out there who has experienced anything similar and how did it work out?