Affect of separating on DC, desperate for reassurance please

[verygentlydoesit]

My P of 10 years and I are about to separate. Things have been very tough, mainly because he is spectacularly selfish. I hoped we could work it out, but he has decided to leave.

I'm very upset, but my main fears are for DS (6). There is a thread in relationships ATM which has made me petrified about the effects of telling DS that Daddy will be living elsewhere. The thread does emphasise the importance of remaining as civil as possible. I intend to do this but I'm still so worried for DS.

I'm convinced he has absolutely no idea that there is any problem between DP and I- it has been exhausting but Ive managed to cover up most things and explain them away. So he is going to get such a shock and won't be relieved that the tension / arguing is over because he's not aware of any.

Can anyone reassure me that I'm not about to ruin his life when it's barely got started?

Firstly it's probably not the case that your DS has no idea there's a problem, we work hard to protect our kids but they are cleverer than us they really are.

Be honest with him, be open to discussing things whenever he wants and be clear with how things are going to be and honest if things change from what you've already told him and he will be fine.

Good luck.

My DD was just 3 when my ex moved out to a new flat. The thing that helped her adjust and accept was me going with her to my ex's new place, bring v v v positive about it and letting her see that I was comfortable there too and happy for her. Your DS is older but I think the same principle applies. Reassurance that you both still love him and are happy for him to see his dad etc. I don't know if your ex will be ok with involving you in the transition to his new place, but it would help enormously IMO if he was able to let you come with your DS 1st time there and let your DS see that you are OK with it. Saves any issues over feeling awkward about enjoying himself at his dads new place.

Telling my kids, distressing my kids, traumatising my kids for life were my worst fears. I still feel major guilt about the end of my marriage.

But, I think they are okay. They see their father regularly, they like his new wife and I think it's okay. If he has decided to leave, there is nothing you can do to stop the split anyway.

Just be very honest with your son, never bad mouth his father and get as much outside support as possible.

Good luck.

Very, I read and commented on your other thread. Am pleased you have reached a decision. And whilst the transition may be a worry, I'm fairly sure long term it will be much much better for your ds.

As another poster said, very positive language, body language etc. try to get ex on board with this, although I know it will be difficult.

Remember why you are doing this and keep that at the forefront of your mind.

Good luck

OP I was so so worried about how my DS would handle me leaving his dad. He was 4 years old and because of his autism he hates change.

I was fine, so he was fine - simple as that! People told me he would be but I didn't believe them.

The advice of being as positive and reassuring as you can about it is good, but also let him know it's okay to talk about different feelings too like if he feels sad or angry.

Finally - my parents split when I was a kid and I cried tears of relief. Even to this day my mum is astounded I knew they weren't getting on as they "never argued in front of us". Kid's aren't stupid! There is a big difference between a warm, loving, healthy relationship, and a relationship on the brink and even kids can feel that strain even if they don't totally understand it or know the details.

Things will get better.

you might want to think about what NOT to do, especially slag off your ex. see the thread in relationships about women talking about their feeling about their parents divorces when they were children (how did you feel if your parents split aged 9-14... or similar). it makes you want to weep for them.
the best thing that happened to me when I divorced was my mum said, if you need to rant , do it to me. and I did. but never did to my son> I am so proud and happy now that I spared him that shit (and thanks mum!) you will need to rant and rage and weep etc. but never do that to your child.
good luck

Thank you all so much for your input. I've read it all carefully and will take it all into account when I / we speak to DS.

I'm still really worried about it, but it seems inevitable, so all I can do is try to do it in the best way possible and to remain on decent terms with EXP as much as humanly possible.