2 year old upset and screaming for mama at handover

[lizzie479]

Hi I was just wondering what happens to everyone else when their children scream hysterically that they don't want to go at handover. Today my son was refusing to go and screaming for me. My ex angrily grabbed him while I was trying to smooth things over for the kids. I wanted to make suggestions like both palying with him in the garden first for five minutes until he was ready. Am I unreasonable to suggest this? I just don't see why it should be so bl**dy traumatic. They have gone through enough. Plus his contact shedual is all over the place due to his shift patterns (and his wants!)

My DSS went through a phase of this - but would stop as soon as he got to the end of the road. DH's ex wanted DH to do the 'playing at hers' thing, but honestly, that just strung it out as DSS realised he got lots of attention. When DSS did it here at the end of contact, DH just firmly told him it was time (like you would if they were playing up and not wanting to set off for school/supermarket etc) and that was it. A few time warnings help, too. Sounds like there is quite a bit of tension? Would a third party handover help?

Agree you just need to get it over with. sometimes dss would cry when leaving his mums, sometimes when leaving his dad. you need to detach otherwise your son will learn if he fusses that you will give him attention when really its not negotiable.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to ask your ex to try your suggestion of playing in the garden - that is a great idea and it means he can engage your little boy in a game and distract him from the fact that he is leaving you.
Perhaps suggest to Ex that he keeps a favourite toy of DS in the car, or brings him a small pack of sweets - Ex used to bring the kids a magazine to have int he car when handovers were traumatic - it really did help to distract them.
It really is traumatic to have to watch a sobbing child being driven away by an angry Ex even though you 'know' that they will be fine once they've settled.

Thanks for all your responses. Its good to get different perspectives as naviagting this is all new. Concrete blond I love your response to the other thread 'males point of view on divorce'. You pretty much wrote what I was thinking. And thanks for your response here aswell. I just think he could be kinder and more sensitive to their needs. They adore him and I want them all to have a great relationship but he is, well, what can I say without sounding bitter??? I broke up with him for a good reason. I worry how the kids are going to turn out especially our son. EX won't listen to any suggestions and has handed back toys our son has wanted to take with him for the car journey due to it being one more thing he has to remember to bring back :(

I think it's an age thing - my ds used to do this about aged 2/3. Screamed he didn't want to leave me when his dad picked him up and wanted his dad and not me when leaving him back. We just made it quick and told him he had to and that was that. No choice in the matter. He did grow out of it. I think being older and knowing the exact days his dad takes him helps.

It's something I hear a lot - and deal with a lot of dads who are on the other end of the situation so to speak.

Typically a child who is upset at handovers is fine within 10 minutes and prolonging it doesn't help (and sometimes causes problems).

Handovers are the problem...not who they want. If they are tense and uncomfortable the child will pick up on it (my son hates them...and when he was tiny used to say `Mummy mustn't be seen by Daddy' while she hid behind her car/new bloke/interesting tree at handovers).

Waiting `until the child is ready' could be a long wait and doesn't really help them in my experience and opinion.

dont prolong; just hand over.
if he is fine within minutes; then just focus on quick bright bye bye have a lovely time with daddy handovers.

if dad wont keep something for him in the car then that's tricky but ds will need to accept dad has different ways..