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Original poster

Changing surname & the effect on a child - thoughts?

26 replies

skyblue0000 · 31/05/2013 13:18

Hi, as a bit of background, I'm a Dad who is not with my daughter's mum. I've seen my daughter pretty much every weekend since the day she was born. She is now 4.5 and we have an amazing relationship. She loves my parents/family and is a massive part of my life. I get on well with her mother and we both work hard to ensure that whatever our disagreements, our daughter is never caught in the middle. My daughter currently has a double-barrel surname reflecting the two families which she is connected to. (I pay regular maintenance, save for her independently and have parental responsibility.)

Now her mother has remarried and wants to change my daughter's surname to her husbands. Her view is that it makes everything more simple if/when they have children and avoids any kind of stigma attached with being 'different'.

Does anyone have experience with changing surnames and the effect it has on the child's identity?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Concreteblonde · 31/05/2013 16:04

I changed back to my maiden name so have a different surname to my children. My ex is a controlling abusive arse though and sees the children having 'his' name as proof of his 'ownership' of them. My eldest would quite like to use my surname but even she, at a fairly young age, knows its not worth the battle with her father.
I do think it's slightly odd of your Ex though. Why can't she just change her part of the double barrelled name to her new name ?

exexpat · 31/05/2013 16:14

Changing a child's name to that of someone she is not related to seems like an odd thing to do, in my opinion.

My children have their late father's surname, with mine as a middle name (double-barrelling seemed a bit too much of a mouthful), and I have kept my own name, so obviously we have different surnames, and that has not been a problem at all (they are now 14 and 10, so I'd have noticed by now).

There are plenty of children at their schools who have different names from their mothers, and some families with step-parents etc who have three or more names. It doesn't seem to bother anyone, and is really very normal these days.

The only time our different surnames are ever an issue is occasionally going through passport control, and that is easily sorted by carrying copies of their birth certificates with me to prove that we are related.

I just remembered - I have one old friend who went by her stepfather's name at school, but as soon as she turned 18 she reverted to using her actual father's surname. I think most people feel your name should reflect your parentage in some way, don't they?

quietlysuggests · 31/05/2013 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeterParkerSays · 31/05/2013 16:18

I'm stunned that your ex is suggesting doing this. Possibly if she was widowed, and she and her DH were to be the child's only parents iyswim, but you're very much around, and have regular contact with your child. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and, whilst mum insisted on writing (mum) after her name in letters to school because she had a different surname from my sister and I, there was never any discussion of us changing our surname and my dad wouldn't have allowed it.

As your DD already has a double-barrelled name, her name already reflects her mother's new surname, so there is really no reason for her mother to try and proceed with this.

I'd be dead set against it.

HariboAndWine · 31/05/2013 16:20

I think even the suggestion is outrageous! And I say that both as a mother and a child of divorce. I would not allow this to happen if I were you.

quietlysuggests · 31/05/2013 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mama2moo · 31/05/2013 19:38

I have 2 children and have just changed their surnames from their dads to mine. We never married and for a long time I wanted us to share my family name as they are with me for most of the time.

If I did ever marry I would double barrel my name or keep my surname. I wouldnt dream of changing my childrens names to another mans.

She cant do it without your permission anyway. If she does you can take her to court to have it reversed.

IneedAyoniNickname · 31/05/2013 19:53

I don't know the ins and outs as to how it would affect your dd, I imagine this would depend on her as a person, her relationship with you, her mum and step father.

But, like the other posters, I don't agree with changing a childs surname after a marriage. What happens if her and her new sh divorce, would she change your dds name again?

My ex is engaged, and they are expeecting a baby. She has 2 children (10 and 13) ex and his dp want to change her dcs name to his, if their dad will agree. Apparently it would 'be stupid to have everyone nut the 2dc having the same name" It never bothered ex that I was the only one in our family with a different name, and I bet if I ever remarry he wouldn't agree to the dc changing their name.

If I'm honest, unless your dd really wants to change her name (and I'd question whether she's old enough to understand) I wouldn't allow it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 31/05/2013 19:59

Yes it's odd. No personal experience of this myself, but if your DD had the same name as her step dad, I would (a) not realise he was stepdad (I mean if I just met them) and (b) assume that stepdad had full parental responsibility. But he's not her DAD, that's you. If you weren't in the picture and he was properly adopting her, then yes, name change appropriate. Otherwise, no no no.

TheSecondComing · 31/05/2013 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenEyedGirlxxx · 31/05/2013 20:39

My DS has a double barrelled surname - mine and my ex's. I would never ever dream of changing his surname. His dad has been absolutely horrendous to me - but that's not the point - he is DS's dad. He always will be.

I also have divorced parents and I know it would have messed with my head if my mum had ever changed my surname.

Why on earth would a child have the surname of a man not related to them - and when they have a dad who is part of their life?? Things like this make me really defensive and annoyed.

Don't let her change it.

Original poster

skyblue0000 · 17/06/2013 22:48

Thanks everyone. What about this?

My DD's current double-barrel surname is:

mum's maiden surname+ my surname -

As a comprimise DDs mother is suggesting:

mum's new married surname + my surname -

Acceptable compromise or just a weird clash of Dads?

OP posts:

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 18/06/2013 13:03

I don't think that's an acceptable compromise either. Is she going to change dd's name if her new relationship falls apart? And then if she marries someone else after that? I think her name should be left completely alone and stay maiden name-your name.

TortillasAndChocolate · 18/06/2013 16:38

I agree - my 2 year old DS has double barrelled surname with my maiden name and ex's surname. If I get married, his name won't change regardless of what I decide to do with mine.

This other man isn't his parent. Why use his surname? It just doesn't seem right.

Obviously it's completely up to you though - whatever you feel happiest with.

Dadthelion · 18/06/2013 17:05

Why doesn't he change his name to your ex's surname?

Dadthelion · 18/06/2013 17:06

And if she marries again?

New husband's name- old husband's name- your name.

purpleroses · 18/06/2013 17:16

I think what she was at first thinking was out of order. But her compromise isn't too bad. She's letting her DD keep the link with your family but allowing her to change with her, just as she does when she marries. The new name isn't just her new DSF's name - it will be her mum's name too, so she'll in a way be preserving the link with her mum by changing to it.

Assuming that your name and her mum's new DH's name don't sound too silly together, and your DD is happy with it then personally I'd let her do that.

It's no great difficulty having different surnames from your DCs though - mine have my ex's name, I have my own, and I live with DP who has a different one again. When we go on holiday with him and his DCs there are three separate surnames in our booking and no one has ever batted an eyelid.

NicknameIncomplete · 18/06/2013 17:17

I think ur ex has a cheek asking.

My dd doesnt see her dad. She has his name & will keep his name until shes old enough & can decide what name she wants.

Tell your ex NO WAY ITS NOT GNA HAPPEN.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 18/06/2013 17:52

Fwiw, my dd has my last name (my maiden name) but if I ever marry, she will keep that name regardless of if I change or double barrel my own. Its her identity. I don't understand women who think their children's name is something they can just change to match themselves and their new partner. Its like saying their identity doesn't matter.

AlienAttack · 18/06/2013 21:03

Have you broached the subject with your DD? Not easy, I admit, but my 6year old (who has been brought up by me as sole parent since she was born) would definitely have liked to be involved in any decisions (certainly from 4 yrs old as you say your DD is) about changing her name. Because of our situation with me as sole parent, I probably err towards involving my DD in decisions others may not but perhaps worth considering whether this is something you could discuss in a constructive way with your dd?

seagull61 · 20/06/2013 09:12

btw she can not change the childs name without your permission (until she is 16 years old).
personally it sounds pretty nasty to me too, like trying to push you out of your childs life. just say no.

Jacll · 21/06/2013 09:24

My mother remarried after being widowed when I was 10. I always kept my surname and would not have liked to change it to that of my stepfathers had it been suggested. At school it was always queried by other children why my name was not the same as my step siblings and I did used to feel quite awkward but not enough to want to change my name. Subsequently I married and had children and then divorced. My children did not want me to revert to my maiden name as they didn't want a different name to me as they feared it being a problem at school. Further down the line one of my daughters has divorced and reverted to her maiden name and has changed her son's name too. Perhaps if the child is old enough to have a say then the child should choose.

thegirliesmam · 21/06/2013 23:08

Sounds as though shes trying to put a new identity upon her. My dsd is having all sorts of issues with her mother getting married and her not having a different name anymore (her dsf and sister have same surname, dsd has my dp's and dp's ex has her own) but her name is her name and she feels no need to change it.

Bumpstarter · 22/06/2013 21:59

Is the new husband a controlling arsehole?

I wouldn't dream of asking my stepchild to have my surname. (but then again my kids don't even have my surname).

If she was happy for a double barrel name when she had dd, why has her ideas changed now? Is it really her idea or the husband's?

exoticfruits · 22/06/2013 22:19

There is no stigma to being different, my DCs have different surnames- occasionally it has been a minor inconvenience- nothing more.

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