coping with the financial pressure

[Phoenix007]

i am struggling with the stress of running a household on a very tight budget. i have 4 children, 2 by my first marriage and 2 by a subsequent partner from who i have separated. i gave up my job to care for my mother while she died of cancer and i now have no other family. i am hoping to return part-time to work in sept as my youngest is now 5.
when i did return to work a few years ago the transport to work and nursery fees were more than my wages even though the government paid for 80% of them. i lost money by working so went back to being a stay-at-home mum.
money is so tight, we can only just afford food, infact we often go without food. the heating and electric bills are so high, yet we only heat one room in the winter and dont heat any rooms from march to oct. we can rarely afford new clothes, and usually have hand-me-downs from friends. im embarrassed by the clothes my children and i have to wear. i only have 2 pairs of trousers and 1 bra, i just cant afford to get more. i know my kids look scruffy at school and its shameful.
i have depression and get panic attacks and sometimes just want to stay in bed, i cry alot too but i know its due to the financial burden as we i get some money together i feel an awful lot better.
its just the pressure gets to me when i have to deal with everything on my own. i have no one at all that i can ask for money - last year i spent £1200 on bankcharges by being overdrawn. i was in the bank a while back and the cashier said my account was 3p overdrawn and id get a £45 bankcharge if i didnt put money in by the end of the day, i didnt even have 3 p to my name. its so humilating, getting a bankcharge means we cant eat much that week. this week iv had £145 in bankcharges and we couldnt eat breakfast this week as it is. we only buy the cheapest food possible so cant cut back any more.
we often cant have school friends back to our place as we dont have food or cordial to offer them.

i dont receive any child support of either father. my ex-husband made himself a director of his own business so he paid himself a minimum wage to avoid paying us anything, australian csa took £8 a week from him, but as he lived in australia, the international bank fees were £12 a month so it cost me more money than i got to transfer to the uk.
we survive on child tax credit. once we had no money for 6 weeks as there was an error with the benefits and we had to eat flour and tea and nothing else. im crying just writing this down, even though it was 3 years ago, as its so humilating. there have been times when i couldnt afford to send the kids to school as i couldnt afford the lunch or the petrol to get them there. i have sold all the things in my house that i can.

my ex-partner completely refuses to pay any child support. uk csa have completely failed as he refuses to give them his tax returns then lied to the doctor about a sore leg (he broke it 20 yrs ago) so got signed off from work - tho my ex is self-employed and is earning £1000 per week. now my ex-partner denies he is the father (he is) and also refuses to do a paternity test to prove it.

im trying to set-up my own business selling soaps but it costs money to get to the stage where i make a profit.

i cant be the only one in this situation so how do you cope? i find life so difficult and the pressure is enormous. i just hope my kids childhood can get better?
any advice please?

Oh poor you. I'm a lone parent of 3 and I don't work so I do understand the pressures although I don't struggle anywhere near as much as you.
I don't know this as fact but have heard said on here that banks are not supposed to charge you if you are 100% reliant on benefits. Do try & check this out.
How old are your kids? I claim income support as my youngest is 3 so I'm not obliged to look for work.
I wish there was something practical I could do to help you.

Pheonix, go and have a look round money saving expert forums.

People on there are very good at all this stuff.

Link here forums.moneysavingexpert.com/

If you are getting benefits the your children should be able to get free school meals - have you asked about that? Also, if you qualify for those then ask about pupil premium. At DD's school people who get FSM can also get a blazer and a jumper free too.

If your exP is refusing to do the DNA then CSA will just process the claim as if he is the father so do get in touch and push them on it - if he is signed off sick you should get £5 a week from his benefits. Stupidly low I know.

I am a single mum to 2 DC and it's hard. Financially we struggle too.

Look into other banks as those charges are high - mine is £30 but I do everything I can to avoid it. During a very hard few weeks (we were made homeless) I racked up alot in charges and when I went in to explain my bank refunded a lump sum of them so go and ask - you can't lose anything by asking!

I know it's hard to find work around child care and schools etc but keep trying. How old is your youngest?

Is there any local foodbanks near you? Sadly they are needed all over the place and even if you find it hard it's a better option then no breakfast :(

Please talk to your school etc. It really doesn't sound like you're getting all the help you need.

Good luck

I work but Ex doesn't pay any maintenance and has stripped away all of our joint assets so I have little financial security and do live from month to month. I do manage to put some money in savings though.

How easy do you find it to budget ? I now have a spreadsheet and I account for every penny spent there. Do you have an arranged over draft with your bank ? If not I would consider shopping around for a new account which you can apply an overdraft to as a safety net (mine is only a very small overdraft. having that safety net should hopefully take the pressure off in terms of day to day worry.

The CAB may be worth visiting for advice on any other financial support you may be entitled to. Foodbanks are definitely an option. Does school run a breakfast club ? Ours is heavily subsidised by the PTA so it's really cheap.

And don't be ashamed about and me down clothes. most of my kids toys come from car boot sales, charity shops etc. There are lots of threads on meal planning in the chat forum and there are a few old threads on real budget meal plans with shopping lists included (am rubbish at searching sorry)

It IS one of the hardest things about being a LP when the financial burden falls on your shoulders

So sorry to hear things are so tough. You really shouldn't be struggling as much as you are - I have also been on benefits for a long time as a single mum with no maintenance either but although it's hard, it is not as bad as the situation you're in. I would second the advice to see the CAB, there are so many more additional sources of help you're probably eligible for, but sadly they aren't automatic, so if you're not aware of them then it's easy to slip through the net. Things that have helped me include: free school meals, electricity/gas warm home discounts, food banks, computer grants, cheap bus passes, a discounted holiday through a scheme for lone parents. Sometimes these schemes/discounts depend on your local area/council so get online and search for things that might be available in your area.

I also suffer from depression like you and get some DLA, if it's affecting your health then it could be something worth looking at, plus possibly ESA too. I get some charity grants and free counselling as a result of my mental health issues as well, so it's well worth seeking help/advice as it can open up more sources of support.

I think if you're working on your business for at least 16 hours a week, then you can start claiming working tax credits to help support you, even if you're not making a profit yet.

Stepchange is a financial advice charity and they can help with the bank charges. I have had debts written off in the past, which helped get my finances back on track. You could try to open a new basic bank account to have your benefits paid into, then your benefits couldn't be used to pay off your overdraft/charges in your existing account. And basic bank accounts don't allow overdrafts at all, which I find helpful.

Just wondering if you have tried your local food banks? You sound as though they would really help you. I think the trussell trust does them and some places have independent or church run banks too. www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/may/30/food-banks-half-million
I have also struggled with sky high gas and electric bills this year and extra things happening (skylight leaking/income being halved for 2 months in a row) and it is really scary being the only one in charge of it all.
What with energy prices and bank charges, the money just seems to be gone before you even start!
I am an avid Aldi shopper and now all of mine and DD's clothes come from ebay. I find it is days out that cost the most, but as a LP I would go mad without some adult interaction!

I also think you should go and talk to CAB. Tell them all of this.

Regarding the CSA, have you threatened to complain about them. Try calling, asking who the most senior person in the office is (at least a grade 7 or higher ie. 6) get their name and start writing letters to them explaining how you are not receiving maintenance. At least try that.

You need to go to your GP and tell them how you feel regarding panic attacks and depression, tell them about your situation. Perhaps they can guide you? While you feel like that, it is hard to see the future.

Are you getting all the housing/council tax rebate you are entitled to? If you youngest is under 5, income support? Child benefit? If you work part time, you may get working tax credits too and child care help. CAB will help you work all if this out.

Are you receiving everything you are entitled to OP?
It sounds like you are struggling to afford even basic essentials, and that's not acceptable at all.

Are you receiving Income support? Full child tax credit? Child benefit?

If you are, you should get an income of over £370 a week. On top of this income, you should be entitled to the top level of housing benefit and council tax support.

I really don't think you should be finding it as difficult as you are, so obviously something isn't right.

I hope you are getting everything you are eligible to receive.

Dear Phoenix
I came on here because I was feeling rotten, but oh my, I feel like giving you a hug. There is a lot of help out there but you must graft and be organised. You must get every penny of the overcharges back, but you need to be persistent and organised. Do you have your old statements with the charges?
Find out about Homestart for local support, speak to churches. YOu should never ever be without food. I feel terrible that we live in a country that this would even be possible. Citizens advice bureau, debt management companies (free ones)can offer budgetting advice. Just take it one day at a time.
Do you live in a council home, or private rent?
If your ex is messing with the tax system you can let someone know confidentially. Kids should get maintenance. (Not that I ever do).

Please get help, baby steps,but something is better than nothing.

Also do you take out loans? Don't ever take pay day loans as you will end up in a serious mess. You can contact your energy companies and ask for a pay plan to help you manage better.

lots of little things.