Am I wrong to be cross about this?

[CatRugCar]

I am feeling quite cross over a couple of things regarding ex and contact but I'm not sure if I'm BU.

Basically. DC is 4. Contact has only just recently started - ex's choice entirely.

EX has other DC. Both have 'behavioural issues' (his words, also once mentioned possible asd)

Contact is very sporadic due to distance but recently all contact arrangements are being signed off "dependant on DC behaviour"

I really feel so cross about this.

Why should my DC not see her father because of her step siblings behaviour?

I understand it's hard when children have difficulties but it seems so unfair. He seems to be the whole family visit or none of them do and the question of him coming alone is never raised.

I'm worried that DC will feel very rejected by this in time and also that the siblings may pick up on this and use it whenever they feel the normal type of sibling rivalry along the line.

How should I approach this? I want to raise it and say I feel he should show more commitment but I'm wary of rocking the boat so soon into contact.

You are absolutely right to be cross about it. It shit!

However I don't think you should do anything about it except perhaps make sure he know how upset she is if he's cancelling at the last min. Take her out and do something nice with her to distract her. It will still work for a whole hopefully.

You have to just let him be whatever kind if dad he's going to be, you can't force him to be the kind of dad she deserves because he won't be able to keep it up.

Sorry if If that's not what you wanted to hear

Thanks Herrena.

I know I can't make him a decent dad. I took years for him to even accept my offers of contact.

I know there isn't anything I can do really :(

Just so so pissed off. DC's needs are never going to be high on his priority list.

I just wondered if I was overreacting or not understanding how hard it is dealing with behavioural issues but the niggling bit in the back of my head says he could come alone.

Are they your DS step siblings or half siblings?

While I fully understand your frustration, there is a great deal of difference between a parent faced with challenging special needs of their DC and a step parent faced with the same issues with their stepchildren.

If the DCs in question are no relation to your DS, then I think the situation is unaceptable. If they are your DS half-siblings then the reality of life for him is that he will sometimes have less attention from his Dad - just as he would get less attention for you if you had another DC with additional needs.

Oops - your DC is a DD not a DS; sorry!!!

i think thats a load of tosh. i have an asd, ds2 has traits and ds1 is severely core autistic. while we have issues with social situation that is no excuse not to have contact.
annoys me to hear many ppl using special needs as an excuse to/ not to do things and not to discipline that child.

the child with asd would need to adapt to having its step-siblings around, and chopping n changing it wont help how he feels (we dont like change). its not fair on either child to base contact on how a child feels on a given day.
yanbu x

and your right. my son is autistic but not stupid. in fact they can be very clever. my nephew knows his mum is too scared to discipline him in case she 'unsettles' him cos of his 'disability' and uses that to roam around like he owns the place.
if the tools to get their own way are there the child will use it, regardless of any needs.

Sorry - I did mean half siblings not step.

I do see that there would be a difference between step/half children.

I know what you mean notadisneymum but he devotes no one to one time to DC and visits every 10 weeks or so. The time is precious imo and shouldn't be dependant on his other children.

I don't think I can do any thing but I'm so sad for my DC getting such a rough deal here.

honey86 I do worry that his DC will cotton on to the fact they can manipulate visits. I fully expect some sibling stuff over the years but can see this being used unfairly.

Thanks for your replies.