What's my responsibility

[welwyn13]

Help Plse!!! I divorced my cheating husband 3 years ago but sadly his affair didn't work out and now he is bitter and twisted and regrets what he did. I am lucky as was able to stay in our home and juggle ft work and loving my 2 young kids(5&7). Due to my kids being young and as he moved away from the area, I agreed for him to see the children every other weekend, and he stays at my house. I didn't want them spending all weekend on the road and he didn't have suitable home. In fairness this situation hasn't changed but I feel he now takes this situation for granted and I'm going to be the bad guy when I say I would like it to stop. Think I've got myself in a spot trying to do right thing for kids- but now see no end in sight and getting fed up getting a ex husband in my house every other weekend. Any views if/how to change this in the least confrontational way

It's not going to be easy but then most things in separations are not Could you say that you are planning some decorating and it woul help if he tookthechildren away for the next few weekends then you could say how much more the children enjoyed it then hopefully it would be his idea to change things permanently.Failing that where does he sleep it may be that the space becomes temporarily unavailable.It sounds a bit unhealthy to be honest you need your space from him and your small people need to spend time with dad so that he takes charge a bit.Good luck

Don't sugar coat it. Just tell him it is his responsibility as a father to provide a safe space for his children to stay with him when he has access. If you continue wiping his arse for him, he'll continue letting you.

To answer the thread title, you have no responsibility for him!

My ex did the same at first - he was remaining local but didn't have anywhere to stay. It seems normal and easiest at first, but definitely isn't good for anyone in the long run. I tried a fairly gentle approach of just making it clear it wasn't what I expected to happen in the long run but putting up with it whilst he found somewhere suitable to live.

I think the first thing you need to do is to let your ex know that it's not ideal for you, that you're finding it harder, and that you'd like him to start looking to alternatives.

It is his responsibility, though that does also mean it's his choice how he deals with it so you have to be prepared to go with whatever solution he comes up with as a result. This could include your DCs spending the weekend with extended family or friends, in a Travelodge or similar, travelling for several hours in a weekend, or not seeing their dad so often. If you've a preference between these options, you could try and encourage whatever you think would be best, but one of them will have to happen unless he's prepared to move back closer, and that's not something you can force.

My DC struggled with it as she got older. Having us all under one roof as a "happy family" dangled something under her nose that wasn't available. She has been much more settled since we drew up proper boundarys.

I think it is possible for a split to be too amicable. It's what we are always told is best for the children but it can be confusing too.

Or he could come and take the kids out for the day and then go home. If you can't say it to his face, email or text him, telling him you've given him time to make other arrangements, but in x weeks time, (decide what you are prepared to do) he can no longer stay in your home as you feel it is unsettling for dcs.

Wow all your comments very helpful, and tell me wht I guess I knew. I know that I am now in a situation that means he will use my change of tactic to make me feel guilty and that I am making life worse for the kids. I will find this difficult as ultimately I hate the situation that they will be faced with. There will also be a level of threat re how I am better off than him and in someway did him out of money in out financial settlement- all unfair I know as it was all fair and above board. I just happen to have a well paid job, and he doesn't and has no money left from the money I paid to buy him out of the mortgage. As you can tell conflict is not my thing and he is much better at it than me!! I'm sure he will also threaten taking me to court for custody and goodness knows what else... However as my family tell me 3 years on he shouldn't be dictating my life

Also on the thread of what's my responsibility- are there guidelines re what I can and can't do as main carer, ie if I decided to move could he stop me? Do I have a responsibility to get kids or him, or does he have to pick up and drop off?

You will have to accept the situation your DCs are faced with if their dad can't see them in your house. But it is not your fault that he hasn't got anywhere better to see them. Visiting in their home is not an arrangement that most people find works for very long, and it's quite reasonable to want your own space. Redecorating or moving stuff around might help a bit to claim the space as yours and not his "family" home - and as a previous poster suggested - forcing him to have them elsewhere whilst you redecorate could help to get that sort of contact rolling.

To answer your last questions - your ex will have parental responsibility for your DCs (as do you) which prevents you moving abroad without the permission of a court first (I think). You can move within the country freely though. He could try and stop you by applying to court, but that would be almost certain to be unsuccessful in your case seeing as he doesn't live near you to start with. I think the Families Need Fathers website has some good info on that sort of thing.

You don't have any responsibility to drop off or pick up the kids from his unless there is a court order requiring you to do so.