Every other weekend- need advice on how that works for others please.

[verygentlydoesit]

P and I are on the verge of splitting up, I've a lot of 'stuff' going round in my head. We haven't got to the stage if dieting arrangements for DS (6) but I'm worrying about how it should work.

I am adamant that I will do whatever is best for DS. I know their relationship is Ps responsibility, but I don't want to be difficult and make it any harder than it had to be.

That said, P is an outstandingly selfish man and I will probably get walked all over if I don't stand up for what works for me too.

I have realised that one week day night and every other weekend is 'standard'. So I think this is what we should be aiming for.

The issue is that P works on Saturdays. This is because his chosen work is a sport, he practises and plays most of the week, which rarely actually makes a penny at, he also does a little paid work in the week. Then he does a better paid job on a Saturday. So as things stand it would be tricky for him to have DS on a Saturday.

So I'm not sure how he will react to the 'every other weekend' approach. I think he will want DS every Sunday and possibly Sunday night. This doesn't work well for me as I would like DS and I to spend the whole weekend together, so we can visit friends, have trips etc..

I'm thinking of saying that from my POV he can spend every other weekend with DS, but that if he's busy in a Saturday that is fine he can either let his oatents look after DS or collect him on Sunday instead.

Does that sound reasonable bearing in mind that the work he does on Saturdays is to facilitate his sporting dreams rather than part of an established career?

Finally, what constitutes a standard weekend for other people? is it Friday evening to Sunday evening or something different?

To take your last question first - what constitutes a standard weekend depends very much on practicalities. If your ex is able to do the school pick up on Friday and/or a drop off on the Monday morning then you can do Fri-Mon. If not, then it may make more sense to have him collecting from you after work Friday, or Saturday morning, and/or dropping back Sunday evening. I know people do all different configurations depending what works.

From the DC's point of view - my experience is that my DCs were a bit unsettled by handovers after dinner - it seems to work best for them to move between houses before dinner so they can settle where they are.

Your question over which is best - every Sunday or alternate weekends - is a difficult one. From your DS's point of view, one night a week is probably best for now as he's quite young and possibly not used to being away from you for very long. Also gaps between seeing his dad would be shorter. From your ex's point of view that would probably suit best. But from your point of view, EOW would be best.

The ideal might be to have every Saturday night and Sunday day as a default with the agreement that you can have DS for an entire weekend from time to time when you want to go away for the weekend. But if your ex isn't flexible enough to go for that, then what you are suggesting might work better for you. Does DS like spending time with his grandparents? Is he used to doing so regularly? If not, then it's probably not the best option from his point of view, as it would be two big changes to get used to.

What about suggesting Saturday late afternoon until Monday morning one week and Sunday evening until Tuesday the next - that would give your ex 2 nights a week with DS, but still give you alternate weekends free. And maybe offer that your ex could have DS from the Sunday morning on some of "your" weekends if you're not going away?

I don't want to be away from DD (5) for a whole weekend every other weekend, neither do I want to be full on, on my own for a whole weekend. H does not want to not see her at all every other weekend either so we both have agreed to share weekends, that way she sees us both, every weekend. It is much better DD and us.

H and I have come to the following arrangement which works out great - H picks DD up from school Friday pm and drops her Sat am at my house and then Sunday he takes her 10.30 - 17.00. This way we both get a bit of a break and are really, really full on activity and attention wise with our time with her. She has stability and is with me for bath, getting ready for school in her own bed on the Sunday night.

Currently H does not see DD in the week, but I think he is now going to do Weds after school taking to school for Thursday am, so one evening a week.

Norm here in Spain is every other weekend (Fri pm - either Sun pm or Mon am) and a Wed night.

My XH sees DD 5yo EOW. He picks her up at 10am Saturday and brings her back 6pm Sunday. This is his choice. he used to have her Friday nights, but was picking her up later and later so I had to put a stop to it.

He doesn't see her in the week due to work. his choice again. So he sees her every 14 days. I think it would be better for DD to see him every week, but he won't and there is nothing I can do about it :(

I want to have a full weekend with her EOW myself, so that I can share things with her too.

My DC spend eow with their Dad, he picks them up from school on the Friday and they come back at some point on the Sunday, usually either 11 or 3 ish depending what we each have planned. We try to be flexible and swap weekends if any of our DC have birthday party/beaver or rainbow event etc or if either of our families have wedding, christening, birthday type things.

DC dad also has them 2 or 3 nights a week in school holidays, which really helps me out with work and childcare, and also means that on the days they are with me, I can focus on having fun with them.

Tbh, your ex needs to make a decision as to whether his hobby or his son comes first. However, if he agrees to eow, you also have to accept that it's his choice what he does with ds on those weekends. He has to make his own childcare arrangements, which may not be the ones you'd choose.

Thank you for all the advice. P has taken the decision to leave as soon as he can sort somewhere to go. I'm feeling sad, but don't think I've quite accepted it yet.

So I really do need to give this some thought.

I hadn't considered that EOW could mean long stretches where P doesn't see DS. Thank you for pointing that out. Maybe a more flexible arrangement would work best, provided that the flexibility works both ways.

How much does he care for your DS now? This should be taken into consideration. My DD is with ExH EOW and 2 nights every week as he cared for her quite a bit prior to the split and this pretty much continuing our status quo.

Right now we have a 'fixed' arrangement that he takes DS to school and picks him up on one particular day a week. He sticks to this unless he can't make it, and I juggle things to work around him.

Other than that one fixed day he does also do the school run sometimes when he's free, and sometimes puts DS to bed if he's in. This other help is only when it suits him, and on his terms.

He is very capable of looking after DS himself. DS us 6, so pretty easy in the practical sense.

My ex and I have a flexible arrangement. I think the things to making it work are a) having a core routine underneath it - so you know what the default arrangement is b) either of you can ask to alter it - either a swap, or having DCs extra, or not having them at some time when they should be and c) the other parent should generally try to say yes if they can, but is allowed to say no without pressure being put on them.

Then it does work both ways and is good for everyone. Sounds like the Sundays are the days you would be best to be flexible over - you want to freedom to go away for whole weekends some of the time, but on the weeks when you don't it might be nice for DS to see his dad.