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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Would this be considered minimal contact for a nrp?

21 replies

Gingerbreadlatte · 30/04/2013 09:51

Not a current issue but I'm thinking back to when my parents divorced.

We saw my dad every other Sunday. He would collect us mid morning, home by mid afternoon. Very occasional stays in holidays and holidays away.

Just reflecting on whether he really went for he least contact he could get away with or if that's in the realms of normal.

OP posts:

Snowrose1311 · 30/04/2013 10:39

To me that sounds smack bang in the middle average. My Ex H lives abroad, he comes to the UK twice a year to see the kids and phones usually once a week. Some men (and indeed women) totally walk out on their kids and never see them again.
I think the issue here is if the contact you had with your dad was enough for YOU. Did you express to him that you wanted more contact but he did not grant you that? Or were you happy with that amount of his time when you were a kid and now wish you had asked for more?

Dadthelion · 30/04/2013 12:26

Pretty low I'd have thought.

keelyboo · 30/04/2013 12:47

very low contact imo, my ex is a lazy cba pain in my neck, but even he sees the girls more. (every other weekend 4pm fri-6pm sunday and then every wed for tea, girls wanted to increase it he wont)

Original poster

Gingerbreadlatte · 30/04/2013 14:15

Thanks. I'm not sure if I wanted more.

There was a bit of an anti dad thing going on at home via my older sibling and mother so it was hard to have my own opinions if that makes sense. It dwindled to much less as I got older and he was forced to move much further away. There were times when he didn't phone for 6 months when I was in my mid teens.....

He's since said he kept his distance to avoid interfering. I suspect it didn't want to see my mum given the history.

Interesting to reflect on it as an adult though possibly a bit sad.

OP posts:

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo · 30/04/2013 14:19

sounds like he couldn't be assed. sorry for you OP>

Lonecatwithkitten · 30/04/2013 15:24

I think when this was has a huge bearing if it was the 60s probably wasn't that unusual, but gradually less so.

LineRunner · 30/04/2013 15:28

My ExH has only seen our DCs once a month for the past ten years. (One overnight stay a month.) He has been repeatedly asked to see them more. It's too late now tbh, they are teenagers and rapidly seeing the cold truth that (a) he just can't really be arsed, (b) he puts his own social life first, always.

AnitaBlake · 30/04/2013 15:30

My dad was granted every other sat morning to sun evening, and the Friday inbetween after school till 7 I think it was. The divorce was very bitter on both sides and I know my mum fought him all the way, and he fought back. I would imagine one day a fortnight was probably about normal tbh. This was in the late 1980s.

greenteawithlemon · 30/04/2013 15:36

I think if this was the sixties or seventies, that would've been completely normal.

People would've been at a man taking on childcare duties for an extended amount of time back then.

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 30/04/2013 15:38

Standard arrangement today would be every other weekend and half school holidays

LineRunner · 30/04/2013 15:43

So OP my ExH is surely an arse, but your dad may have just been doing was was pretty standard for the time?

Original poster

Gingerbreadlatte · 30/04/2013 17:08

It's was 80s. Possibly as per court order. Never asked to increase it though- either side. School friends in same situation generally saw more of their dads. Maybe they lived closer ...

OP posts:

Snowrose1311 · 30/04/2013 20:01

LineRunner - has it really taken your DC 10 years to realise that their dad doesn't want to put more into his relationship with them?

My Ex H doesn't make much effort with our 2 DS, e.g doesn't call when he says he will (kids kept waiting by the phone for a call that doesn't come), doesn't consider their wishes / needs when he's looking after them etc, but I always hoped my kids would figure this out reasonably quickly. Maybe I am being unrealistic? It hurts to watch my DC still idolising their dad when it really does seem he's not that interested.

redskynight · 01/05/2013 08:07

It is not a lot, but it is very regular and consistent.

My XH has seen his children once in 9 months. And counting.

LineRunner · 02/05/2013 09:37

Snowflake, sorry I missed your post till today. I think my Ex is an extreme example of being able to manipulate people and I probably over-protected the DCs from him by playing along with the 'busy at work' excuse when they were young. Really sad.

lostdad · 02/05/2013 12:52

My ex refused to discuss my son's time with me from day one after she abducted him from his home.

I was never clear what her thoughts on contact were - be it via email (she refused and continues to do so speak to me face to face or via the telephone) or in court. I asked a few times to see if we could agree things amicably and she refused to tell me.

I think in truth that was because if she were honest she'd say `As little as possible'.

She agreed (in court at least...) progressively more contact until we got to the proverbial `normal' contact (a term guaranteed to make me mutter swearwords under my breathe and make me a little...ranty).

Yes. I was to become a 14 percenter' of every other weekend'. It's amazing how you go to court, speak to CAFCASS, speak to various professionals and are told that each child is different and has different needs....but nearly everyone ends up with every other weekend and tea once a week'. It put me in mind of Henry Ford's You can have any colour car you like so long as it is black' schtick.

After repeated visits to court (I represented myself throughout with an excellent McKenzie Friend) I got past that hurdle.

What strikes me overall though? At no point since the 6 years since she unilaterally snatched our son from his home has she ever discussed contact with me and how we're going to work together. Seems a bloody strange way to parent to me but I'm just another abusive ex remember.

LineRunner · 02/05/2013 13:08

I just never get this, lostdad. I have been desperate for my ExH to have the DCs to stay more, not least because there are times where I have been overwhelmed by being the sole parent caring for them.

You are right about 'normal' being a terribly unhelpful term. My ExH would argue that it is 'normal' for him to put work (including overtime) ahead of seeing his DCs because he is a man and it is normal for men to need to work and to want to progress their earnings and careers.

50:50 care is not 'normal' to him because caring for children seems to be 'what the mothers do' so that men can work.

Yes, I know, why did I marry him...

Snowrose1311 · 03/05/2013 10:03

Thanks, LineRunner, I'll bear that in mind. I support my sons' contact with their dad & do not slate him (much as I would sometimes like to!) but no, I don't cover up for him. Actually, I think they are just starting to 'get' what their father can sometimes be like, I feel really sorry for them but at the same time they have to know.

lostdad · 03/05/2013 12:16

Definitely. `Normal' means different things to different people.

I can see half the problem between me and my ex: I grew up with a father who was extremely involved (his own dad died at an early age and he was determined to be the father to me he never had) while my ex's one was away all week working and coming home only at weekends.

When my ex told me (before leaving) that it was her job to look after the babies' I thought she was just being funny and didn't pay much attention to it. It became very clear, very soon however that she was deadly serious and it was <span class="italic">my</span> job to do anything she <span class="line-through">refused</span> couldn't do like paying for the bills by working long hours while she played primary carer' with our son like getting off her backside and working because she was going to be a SAHM regardless of my opinion.

In short we had different expectations and I was an idiot for not taking her completely at her word. I kind of expected us to work together but taking our son without warning meant she could live the life she wanted - SAHM with me providing financially. If I had had my way from day one (before she left) we'd have both worked and both cared for our son but I didn't have a choice.

Yes, I know. I married her, I had a baby with her and I thought she was being funny. What a mistake-a to make-a.

ginmakesitallok · 03/05/2013 12:19

My DM and my father divorced when I was 2 - never saw him again. So seems like a lot to me!! (Oh - and don't regret not seeing him, my DM is fabulous)

ladydeedy · 04/05/2013 21:40

i think that sounds about standard for the time. I was a kid then too... Dont forget, divorce was not so mainstream then... and it was often difficult for dads to get or ask for more time. Dont automatically assume he didnt want it...

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