Thoughts on this access schedule please:/

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Hi, thought I'd post here for some perspective, regular, have name changed. Will prob post in legal too as I'm so stressed at the moment:-/
Ex took me to court a few months ago to change the way he sees our dd. At the moment, we split all her free time down the middle, so we have a full weekend each, and split the other two, so he picks her up sat and brings her back Sunday. He also has a wed overnight.

He originally wrote on court application that he wanted all four weekends fri -mon, then changed it at the first hearing to say he wanted 2 weekends on and one weekend off, so basically 3 weekends out of 4. He no longer wants to do the mid week visit as he says the travelling is too much (14 miles each way) and its expensive etc. I wouldn't agree to this so we were referred to mediation and although this eventually failed, he changed his mind AGAIN during that, to say he now wanted us to both carry on having a full weekend each, but on the other two weekends, he wants her from sat 5pm until Monday school. He still no longer wants to do the Wednesday, except for the week that he wouldn't see her. So this effectively looks like this:
Week 1: sat-monday
Week 2: Wednesday only
Week 3: sat Monday
Week 4: fri - Monday

Apparantly all of this is so he can see dd for longer periods of time, and give her more 'stability' but there is nothing in the routine above that that I feel is about 'routine' and all it smacks of is him needing to change it completely for his own reasons. When he made the above proposal I was initially happier because I thought it was more reasonable that 3 weekends out of 4, however, once I actually analysed his proposal, I cannot see how it's for dd's benefit.
Dd is happy as she is at the moment, but in order to make his case, her dad said some very hurtful things at the first hearing about how I care for her and how she doesn't know if she's coming or going. He has also asked for shared residency.

We are back in court in a few days, I do not know if he intends to make the above proposal again, or stick to his original one of 3 weekends in four. Either way I feel as though I am at the mercy of his whims and feel that he might get what he is asking for ( whatever that might be).

Can any of you tell me what your thoughts are on this schedule? It will mean a change in working hours for me, and an increase in childcare costs, which I know aren't really relevant factors in the proceedings but he has also cut his maintanence in half since he started litigation and so these issues will have an impact on our family as a whole.

I think I remember you posting about this when he first suggested it and I think in general people said he was unlikely to get every weekend and him suggesting he drop the midweek day would just give you more time with her.
I really think, stick to your guns. Every other weekend and he can have the midweek night if he wants, if not fine. You have to pick up that time (albeit happily I am sure).
Please don't let him bully you into the additional weekend time. You have the right to a private family life as stated in the human rights act. As you work during the week the weekends are your private family time - you are more than happy to share this 50/50 with your ex in terms of contact time with your DD.
I very much doubt a judge would rule against you- take it to a final hearing. Good luck and please let me know what happens.
Just one more thing - let him talk about the reasons he doesn't want the mid week contact and don't mention your childcare costs etc, re: mid week, other than to say you will just have to do that but that is fine if he doesn't want contact then.

You found us

First of all, do you have good legal representation ? Dealing with someone who constantly changes the goalposts and who doesn't appear to have his childs best interests at heart is exhausting - my solicitor is my lifeline!

His 'proposals' don't sound at all equitable. When does your DD get to spend quality relaxed time with you when you're not rushing out to work, or juggling school uniforms and whats for dinner? I agree that there is 'no' stability and no routine in what he is proposing - a different schedule every week is as far from routine as can possibly be.
Alternate weekends from Friday to Monday would be the absolute starting point for me - if he is so keen to remain an involved parent he will have to make sacrifices to make sure he maintains contact during the week.

Thanks for the responses. We've been to court and he's rejected the offer of every other weekend and I rejected his offer of 3 weekends in 4 for him. Due to this, we've reached stalemate and been listed for a final hearing. It's all so depressing. I feel for dd with her parents at loggerheads ( although to be fair and doesn't seem to notice as we are careful not to do any discussions in front of her). I just feel sad that she isn't part of a together family and that she deserves so much more.

My sol thinks there's a chance he could be given the 3 weekends, purely from a basis that you never know how things work out in family courts. Ex said the reason I have to forfeit some weekend time with dd is because I moved 9 miles away from my previous address ( but 14 from his) and so put a distance between him and dd that he can't sustain mid week. I moved 3 years ago by the way.

Not a lot I can do now that we have been listed for a final hearing. Just really nervous about what it's going to involve, what will be dragged up in order to make his point and how i'll cope under cross examination etc

Have you had a Cafcass report?

Courts like to see that parents come up with solutions - if he feels he can no longer do the midweek, why not suggest that the term-time weekends stay the same, but he can have extra in the holidays? That way you look reasonable, are offering quality time with Dad, but not at the cost of quality time with Mum, and DD gets to keep most of the rota she is settled with.

Balia, thanks. He already struggles i my opinion to meet his commitments to dd in the holidays. He has her 50% of holidays and puts her into childcare for several days each time or she is with his wife. I work term time only and could cover it but he won't let me have her. For that reason,I don't see that offering more holiday time would benefit dd, and if I'm honest, don't see why I should lose holiday time with dd because he no longer wants her in the week ifyswim?

And sorry yes, cafcass did an initial standard report but as there are no welfare concerns, dropped out of it on the basis that its a contact dispute.

Good idea regarding the holidays balia
Stick to your guns, that distance isn't that far but do you have a reason for the move as I am sure the judge will ask, they may not feel it is as important as your children's quality weekend time with you though? as it was three years ago he could have the argument he has tried to do the midweek and it hasn't work BUT I still don't think that he will not get three out of four weekends.
It is the quality of the contact that is important not contact per se and as your midweek contact is not quality contact (as his wasn't hence why he dropped it) then you feel sharing the weekends is important for the children. You don't want to be seen as the bossy one in the week and not have chance to have the fun stuff too.
Your solicitor has to tell you that in the same way in hospital the doctor will always say there are no guarantees of success in an operation but I am sure it will be fine. How long away if the FH?
I will be having a FH soon I am pretty sure but it will be a lot less pleasant than yours my ex has never seen his DS and he is 8 !!! your cross exam I would think would be be around why not 3 out of four ? why did you move? why do you think the children should see you more than him (remember the quality bit for that) and Balia's idea would come in great for something else to throw in the pot as you know time with him is important.
Good luck.

Just read your reply re: holidays - defo offer it if he will not want it it isn't what he thinks that matters the judge will like that offer. You could even then mention the fact `oh yes he doesn't have her in the holidays even when he has her' if he does say no to it..

Better, thanks. I moved ( only 9 miles!) because it was a socially deprived area and the local school was in special measures. It was miles away from my work and friends and nothing for children to do. The only reason I was there was because it was near where ex and I used to live and I stupidly thought i should stay in the same area when we split. When he left that area himself soon after, I realised I needed to find an area where the schools were better and dd and I were happy. He was fine with it initially, but now says suddenly that it's a nightmare for him travel-wise.

Not sure what you mean regarding offering hols though better? He has 50% at min and really don't think it would be fair to dd if I offered more to ex and deprived her of her social life/activites here in the area we live.

It prob isn't relevant, but I'm not from this country and have no family around here and although wanted so very badly to go home to my mum after the split , I didn't because I couldn't take dd away from her dad like that ( she was a newborn when we split). I am not trying to be controlling or be instructive, I just want a fair solution.

I don't think you are trying to be controlling at all.
Your reasons for moving are valid. I wasn't questioning them, just thinking that the question would be asked so you have time to get your answer as good as it can be. I think moving to an area to enhance your children's educational and recreational opportunities would do for the judge and as you say only 9 miles away.
I would add in the point that you are not from the UK and as hard as it is to remain here you do so, so that your DD can see her dad as you view that as more important. But at the same time you want to have quality time with DD too.
Maybe keep the holidays back as a last resort then. I think at a FH he goes first so you can see how the judge reacts, although if it is not in your statement from the beginning you may not be able to add it in.
I think for me the bottom line is that it is the quality of the contact that is the issue and your DD not being with you in her spare time as well as her school time would affect your relationship with her - the judge will see that. You can always appeal. I don't think it will come to that. When are you next in court?

Thanks loads, we are back next month and have to prepare statements a few weeks before. Not even got a clue what a statement involves:/
I want to make sure that I get my point across but to be honest, go to pieces in these kinds of situations. Do I have to speak or is it my sol who does it all? How long does a statement need to be? What do I have to include? TIA!

PS - do I get to see his statement so I can prepare myself for cross examination or is it all blind?

You sound like you are doing everything for your dd to maintain contact with her dad, especially given that you would ideally like to be nearer to your own family. I think that is really relevant and should be mentioned in court. From what I gather, the courts are far more sympathetic if you offer reasonable solutions, rather than complain about your ex (as you say he has done with you). I think you need to state your case simply and calmly. 14 miles is not exactly far these days. I live about that distance from my ex. He has midweek contact and every other weekend. The distance has never been an issue, even though I moved about 7 miles further away, also due to schools. Is his journey really that difficult?
I would set out what you consider to be reasonable contact and why, and how it benefits your dd. I think midweek and alternate weekends would be seen as reasonable. Mention that you have always been positive about her maintaining contact with her dad.

Is your solicitor not helping with the statement? I thought you would need a `court bundle' for a FH? the custody minefield web site has good advice on what to include.
Yes you usually would see his and the court bundle before the FH and he gets to see yours.
As there are not many issues here it should not be that long (and maybe why no court bundle) but the background to this, chronology /dates and the fact you are not originally from the UK should go in, IMO. Crikey 9 miles... you could of gone 5,000 lol
Try and keep it just to facts not emotional stuff although it is important you say how your bond with DD could be affected by not having the quality time with her. I would add the emotion to your closing statement. Say you love caring for her during the week and meeting to her day to day needs but you cherish the quality, weekend family time and whilst you are more than happy to share this 50/50 with her dad you feel the special time should be shared, equally.
In court I think his sol will speak and yours gets to cross exam him and then your sol speaks and his gets to cross exam you.

The more I think about this the more I think the judge will get mad at your ex not willing to drive this distance to see his DD in the week.
Please try not to worry and if he gets what he wants appeal - I know I have said it before but I am pretty sure it will not come to that.
You should not have to be paying out money to solicitors to deal with this unreasonable request. Keep strong.

Thanks better, yes my sol said he will help me with the statement ( ex brought a barrister and sol to the last review hearing? Not sure why) but my sol is tied up with a big case at the minute and said he will only be able to focus on my statement in the last week leading up the final hearing:/

Regarding the driving, ex is still having dd during the week, therefore continuing to manage, however he wants to go through the proper channels to change contact arrangements and sees this as the best way it seems. He says that the journey is very difficult due to traffic and can take upwards of 1.5hrs ( it's never taken me more than 30 minutes, but I haven't done it on a school morning)
He was positive about my moving to this area, but now says i did it for my own selfish reasons and not dd's . He is very angry, and has cut his Maintenance in half during these proceedings. I've spent 6k so far defending myself against him. This is money I need to raise our child!
He painted a picture of me being very instructive and having no respect for his role as father, although his reasons for this are tenuous to say the least. I'm very worried about the possibility of telling lies in court to support his stance, he is not above lying.

*obstructive

Stick to the facts you will be fine. Him running you down like that will not go down well with a judge.

I know this was put on a while ago but I'd be interested to know what the final hearing result was. I'm going through the same thing at the moment