hi sorry if i droan on a bit but i need a couple of monutes to just think about something else.
I had 6 years of extreme violence and sexual abuse from my XP. he is now taking me to court over access to the children and i am trying to stop all contact. there is now to be a fact finding hearing and i have to writte a statement.
i have put it off for as long as i can because i just couldnt face having to think about everything that he has done.
its hard for people to understand why i cant just writte it all down in order to get hi out of my life for good, but its just not that easy.
I hid what was going on for such a long time just speaking about it openly is difficult. but to sit and writte it all down so that its in black and white is just so distressing. having to remember as many incidents as i can, remembering what was said, how and when he hit me, what he did in order to force himself on me.
its the worst thing i have ever had to do and quite frankly on more than one occasion tonight i have wanted to just stop and give in.
I am always asked why i never went to the police about the rapes. my answer has always been becasue it wouyld have been my word against his and i just couldnt cope with being told im lying by somesnotty lawyer...and here i am facing that very prospect.
i cannot beleive he is such a coward he is actually denying everything he has done to me and the children. he never directly hurt the children per se but DS (5) was always there and witnessed far more than he should. he is now left with severe behavioural problems which i beleive are caused by what he has seen. XP would scream at him that he was not his dad, your slag of a mother will get you a new one. dont try and protect her she's a slag she will have a new bloke in here soon and she'll get rid of you......he was left cowering in teh corner terrified.
i am in tears just remembering some of the things that have happened and i am only just about into the 2nd year. i dont think i can keep going.
the amazing thing is that he still phones me to ask em to take him back! and yet he will sit there in court and tel me i am making all this up!
there was one time that he raped me and i ended up pregnant ( i know it was from that time as he was not living with me at the time and i certainly wasnt having sex with anyone else) the baby was ectopic ....this sounds awfull but i was almost glad as i just couldnt face the thought of being prgenant around him again and i did not want to be pregnant like that. i was booked in to terminate the pregnancy the following day. he came round and when i told him it was ectopic he didnt beleive me. he beat me up and punched me in teh stomach. i felt sick and went to the toilet to throw up...he follwed me in and as i was being sick he said " well is it dead then? have i killed the bastard?"
this is the man that the courts want me to allow near my kids once a fortnight?
i know i ned to getthis done to have any chance of getting him out of our lives but its just so hard.
sorry. i just needed to have a bit of a moan and its so much easier just typing it all into cyberspace than speaking to someone in the flesh about it.