How parents' tug-of-war can wreck a child's future

[Caligula]

I found this article quite interesting and thoughtful.

\link{http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,,1769435,00.html\tug of war}

Definitely rings bells, esp bit about divorce not necessarily damaging kids but the way it is handled...

really I found it overwritten and thoughtless, not to mention taking the usual "scarem" tactics that these kind of things usually do.

So now we are slammed if we are "weekend" parents, as well as slammed for having equal contact - I am interested to know how they worked out that equal contact means that the child is not consulted about that contact and that it hinders their social life. IME equal contact arrangements are moved around largly based on afterschool clubs and activities, not parents work, which largly remains the same and does not require changes to be made.

it made me!

I didn't think the article was "slamming" anyone. I think it was trying to examine the subject.

we are all human though

it is ok to say in practice that the rigid timetable of visits is harmful to the child but in theory not having a timetable could be alot worse for alot of children

but then again my father didnt actually want to see me after he split up with my mother but wanted to carry on a relationship with my sister

Blimey that must have been so tough

That is awful PinkKerPlink

Agree that you have to have some kind of timetable. As with anything really. I suppose the big difficulty is that for people who couldn't agree enough to carry on living together, agreeing flexibility in a timetable is a big challenge!

it is caligula and it breeds even more resentment if there isnt some kind of structure to visits, like you say it involves two adults who cant live together.

as for my father, i have come to the conclusion that he cant have relationships with adult women (I was 17 when he left) unless it is sexual. Having an adult daughter seems pointless to him

TBH it seemed very slaming to me and really quite upset me, I am also left confused as to how having an equal timetable is different to an unequal timetable - I am sure they are both as riged as each other.

I have to say I have been really offended by the article and if I was able to I would have a lot to say to the person who wrote it and a lot of quite pertinent questions to ask of the researchers too.

this is very close to home at the moment . dd1 has been seeing her dad fornightly for about a year . i hated her going to his house as he was using her to get to me , saying things that she really didnt need to nw/hear . finally about 11 weeks ago he got frunk and she for the second time in last year decided she didnt want to go to his house anymore. her head is all over the place. i let her make decision as to whether she went or not as i didnt want to be the one to stop her seeing her father and at the same time didnt want to force her if she didnt want to go . she has had severl sessions at a family center and i apparently ahve been giving her too much choice. she felt torn . i now have to get a solicitor to make our decisions. i dont believe she should go anymore and ihe hasnt been in contact for 11 weeks. i hope they come to right decision for my daughters sake and my peace of mind

I know my dd (aged 6) likes to know in advance when she's going to see her dad and for it to be fairly regular... but I know she appreciates that this arrangement can be flexible for example if she is ill, or if we have just got back from holiday. I think the message I got from the article (admittedly I read very quickly) was that you shouldn't fight over every minute of access and taht it helps if parents can be fairly friendly.

no worries .
actually she decided as he got drunk and is often snappy and gets angry with her , that she wasnt going anymore. i even told her to go tohis house to see him at easter but she wouldnt . i dont push her to go and i dont hold her back . i made it clear it was her decision and never let her know how i felt. i feel very strongly about not letting adult issues become childrens problems but with her father it was 1 step forward a 100 steps back as he often liked to tell her how much he hated me and how she should go and live with him as it would make mummy angry and mummy doesnt want you etc etc etc

me and her father will never get on and as much i would love the perfect senerio of us getting on for dd1 sake it just ill never happen .
i contacted a mediation organisation so that we could sort things out ad he refused to go . believe me i have tried everything for my daughters sake to make things as easier for her as possible but it will never happen . he loves being angry with me too much regardless of how my dd1 see this or the effects on her.

i just want to protect her from him now and stop all contact but i am moving house and i am trying to prioritise the stress in the house . when we have moved and are settled then i will get in touch with a solicitor and get some help and advice as what to do .

its hard to make relationship break downs easy for the child . it takes 2 to have a relationship, 2 to end a relationship and 2 to help children through it . i just am not getting the support. dd1 father and i have been seperated for 6 years and it has never got easier just got worse tbh

me and dd1 have been through so much i just wih he would dissapear and let her be happy . she doesnt benefit from his contact which hasnt happened for 11 weeks . he screws her head up and not matter what he says or does i still let her go to him .

i just want her to be happy but he will go against me on everything even if it involves dd1

What really annoys me about that muma, is that on the whole the courts still take the view that it is in her best interests to maintain this destructive relationship, and so if he took it to court there's a good chance they would force her to go.

And it seemed to me that this article was trying to dip its toe very very gingerly into examining the issues with something a bit more sophisticated and complex than "contact with absent parent has to be maintained at all costs" which seems to be the current thinking. Contact with her father for your DD at present is obviously not in her interests. Which doesn't mean to say that that will be the case forever, but certainly at this stage it is and it is annoying that courts can't be a bit more flexible and thoughtful themselves about the issue. They seem to take, on the whole, a very conveyor belt approach of one size fits all, while at the same time claiming that they're putting the child's welfare first and dealing with each case on an individual basis. THat's obviously not what's happening.

I suspect that they take the 50 50 shared parenting doesn't work approach because it is very unlikely to unless both parents agree to it, anniemac. And if they do, those are the parents who won't be in court - people only go to court when they can't agree.