CSA dilemma

[Jen547]

Hi mums,

I basically need somewhere to have a bit of a rant, but also would really appreciate any practical advice anyone can give me. I'll try and explain our situation in a nutshell:

Fell pregnant very quickly in a new relationship. Had told new partner i was on contraception when really i had been told many years ago that due to PID i was unlikely to concieve naturally (it felt too soon to have such a difficult convo, as well as being extremely presumptuous so soon into a relationship). However managed to concieve which was a shock as i had not even wanted children. Partner and i decided to terminate but at the last minute i couldnt go thru with it and he agreed to stick by me. DD is now 6 months. 6 weeks ago he told me he did not love me and wanted to be single but wanted me to remain in our rented property as a "housemate". I did for a few days during which time he went out every night, even staying out all night on one occasion. i decided i didnt want to live there and so scuttled to my dad with my tail between my legs begging for room and board. since then, while i was on mat leave, it was a constant battle to get him to see DD but we managed about a half day once a week. he has given me £10 towards her keep in this time. i am now back at work full time and paying £400 p/m for nursery. he now has her 2 days and overnight per week as i refuse to pay for nursery when he is not at work.

When we lived together bills were divided roughly halfsies. We split rent 50/50, then he paid council tax and i paid all other bills. we each pay our own phone bills and he is repaying a loan to his mother. I earn around 17k and he earns £700-800 p/m in a minimum wage bar job. i have told him with the additional costs of nursery, plus all her 'keep' costs (eg nappies, food, formula etc) he needs to contribute more as i literally cannot pay all my outgoings. Despite no longer living at the house i am still paying all my share of the bills and half the rent as he says he cannot afford to and its contracted in both our names. This means i am unable to contribute anything to my dad for my own keep, and this is causing some friction. It also means my mum, who lives nearby has to help with childcare a huge amount as i work unsocial hours when there is no nursery provision.

Now, here's my issue. He refuses to take on any of the bills i pay toward his household, nor will he give me any money for DD. When i get shirty about this, or nag (which i hate doing) i get it thrown in my face that he never wanted her and it's my fault for lying (the contraception issue). So i decided, to avoid further arguments i would just do it all officially. The CSA calculator wotsit says he would be liable to pay £26 per week. This wouldnt even touch the bloody sides!!!!! This is based on what he can afford from his net pay, so my question is WHY THE HELL SHOULD I HAVE TO WORK OVERTIME TO PAY FOR MY DAUGHTER'S CARE AND BASIC NEEDS WHILE HE GETS AWAY WITH BUMMING ABOUT IN A BLOODY POORLY PAID, DEAD END JOB????? why does even the govt expect ME to pay for his unambitious life choices???

BECAUSE HE CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY IT EITHER?

The fact is that the CSA calculator works out a figure that is relative to his income. Unless he is willing to pay more, you have to settle for that.

Why do you think 'the govt expect' you to pay for his choices?

First things, get your name removed from his lease, and all utility accounts at his address so you are no longer paying for them. Then, get the CSA onto him.

If he cant afford it on his pittance wages then surely the responsibility to find a way to come up with some more money should be on him, not on me who is already paying £400 p/m for nursery as well as all the day to day costs that go along with it??? I have to work more so he doesnt have to??

Have you given notice on the tenancy yet? And you can taken off the utility bills pronto.

we're contracted until august, cant come off until then :(

See CAB about getting our name off the lease, change your name on the bills. We all have to work but some earn more than others - that's life, I'm afraid. You can't force him to, say, get a second job. Similarly, no-one's forcing you to do overtime. Sort out getting your name off the bills and things will be easier financially.

As for him throwing the situation in your face, yes you should have told him the truth because if you're far enough into a relationship to sleep together, you're far enough in to have that kind of discussion. That said, maybe you need to remind him he agreed to stick by you. Tbh by having your DD two full days per week he's contributing to her care, so I don't really know how he can bring himself to say he never wanted her. Will he still say that when she's old enough to understand? . She's here and he needs to deal with it.

You can get taken off the utility bills straight away though, and give notice to the agents that you're no longer there?

I have threatened that, told him i would just ring them and tell them i no longer need gas/electric at that address and shut the account. Got a mouthful of abuse and told that if i did that he would never give me a penny towards DD. and if im honest i cant bring myself to stitch him up like that, i know thats stupid as hes kind of stitching me up but i do love him and i dont want to alienate him further. Soft Kitty - you say no one is forcing me to do overtime but if he only has to pay £26 p/w then i have no choice, regardless whether im paying bills there or elsewhere bills still have to be paid,as does nursery.

I understand - I've been there and I get fuck all CSA. Paying nursery fees are a nightmare - mine used to cost half my FT take home pay just for three days. Are you claiming any working tax credits to help towards the fees?

I mean this in the nicest possible way when I say you're your own worst enemy. You threaten to stop paying the bills, he makes a counter threat, and you back down. Why?! Surely you'd save more than £26 a week by not paying the bills? Yes? Then cancel the bills and go to the CSA to sort out maintenance. If he doesn't pay, they'll take him to court. Let him make threats. Tell him to get fucked. Otherwise, he has you right where he wants you - paying his bills for him. You also need to bear in mind your relationship with your dad will improve if you can start paying a bit towards the upkeep of the house you actually live in rather than this fuckwit's house.

my heads a bit all over the place tbh. my dad is in the process of selling up. when that happens my daughter and i will have to live in a bedsit, i cant even afford a 1 bed flat anywhere remotely unscummy. I'm not a logical, organised, mummy minded person and to be honest all this is getting on top of me, spesh trying to juggle work as well. and DD is really unsettled at night and i feel like im being mugged off while everyone defends him, poor lamb. Just a bloody mess. I just think the system is flawed, he should be responsible for half. she needs what she needs regardless of what i get paid, so i have to come up with the money somehow, so why should he get to say 'this is all i can afford' leaving me to find some way to 'afford' the rest. Im becoming so bitter lol

Give notice to the Landlord that you are not living there and get your name removed from the bills. Sod him, he is not being respectful towards you and you are not required to pay his bills. Stop being a doormat. If he is giving bugger all anyway then you have nothing to lose. Go to the CSA and get it taken straight out of his wages.

You can claim working tax credits if you work more than 16 hours a week which will give you 70% of your Childcare costs up to £150 a week for the first child. My salary is about £18k (part time) and when I only had one child I was getting about £640 a month in tax credits.
I empathise with how you are feeling just now I really do but you need to get tough and get yourself sorted out. You are being a soft touch about the CSA and the bills in his house and you need to put your child above his feelings.
You might not fancy it but you may well qualify for council housing in your situation.

TheSecondComing - "tricking him" or not is not the point. Blokes know that contraception fails and accidents happen. They need to wear a condom if they don't want a baby.

Op you seem to be confusing your relationship with him and him and his child.He doesn't owe you anything but he does have responsibility to his child. I was on the same wage as you and got enough in the way of tax credits to live without any help from my sons father.
I don't understand why don't you have the house as you can then get housing benefit to help with the rent and you don't have to live in a bedsit? He can move out if he needs to.

Get your name taken off all the bills, and rent.

You should qualify for tax credits. Apply for them.

If he still refuses to pay maintenance, call the csa. You should be entitled to 15% of his wages.

TheSecondComing I couldnt agree more!

I agree with TheSecondComing