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Lone parents

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Original poster

Ex-tosser has decided he only wants visits from the children separately from now on.

35 replies

MrsPotatoHead · 01/05/2006 21:46

And it will eventually turn out to be only ds, ever, because dd being younger and a girl, is too much like hard work.
He's managed to sell it to ds as a great idea, 'quality time' with each of them separately, but the fact is , ds is prepared to spend all day hanging out with him and his gruesome cronies, drinking coffee and playing on the computer and eating curry, whereas dd needs a bit more effort put in - parenting basically.
She's now said she doesn't want to go there any more, he doesn't take any notice of her and just tells her off (she plays up, obviously, because he doesn't bother with her).
Added bonus for him - means I'll never get a minute's break, which puts the kybosh on my love life, as unlike him I don't have lovers/potential lovers/hangers on around my kids.
He's been having them for access visits less than six months, and he's copping out already. Every time I think I couldn't despise him more, he pulls out another stonker. I'm so angry and sad for dd that for the first time since we split i've said stuff I shouldn't against him in front of them.

OP posts:
WWWontSlagOffAnyone · 01/05/2006 21:48

How horrible and sad for dd. I wish I could say something constructive. Poor her and ds and you.

JanH · 01/05/2006 21:49

How old are they, MrsPH?

Original poster
MrsPotatoHead · 01/05/2006 21:52

Ds is 11, but very old for his age - loves feeling like 'one of the guys'.

DD is 8 Sad

I've said to him that if he doesn't put the effort in now, he'll lose her (but she'll be the loser in the end) - he just says I'm being selfish and want time to myself.

OP posts:
snowleopard · 01/05/2006 21:52

What a pathetic tosspot Mrs P. You're right to be furious, it must be driving you mad, and anyone would have lost it. This is little comfort now but it's you she'll be grateful to when this is all in the past.

Could family or friends give you a break sometimes?

jac34 · 01/05/2006 21:53

Just tell him no,he can't pick and chose which child he wants and when,he is a father to BOTH of them.

schneebly · 01/05/2006 21:57

Tell him to grow up and stop being so selfish! He needs to take responsibility FFS - prat.

beetle73 · 01/05/2006 21:58

That really stinks MrsPH. I feel for you and your DD. I can understand how you must be desperate for the break you get when he takes both of them, but I guess if he does get his selfish way, then you'll have to make sure that DD gets very special days with you when DS goes on his own.

snowleopard · 01/05/2006 21:58

Yes but if being with him is miserable for her...

7up · 01/05/2006 22:02

what an arse!im just shocked at some so called 'fathers' and they way they treat their kids. your poor dd. i can see that you need a break from her also but in a few years time she'll be off out all the time and you'll wonder where the time has gone. beetles right, spoil her on her own, she'll love itSmile

Original poster
MrsPotatoHead · 01/05/2006 22:05

Thanks for replies, sorry my pc is going very slow for some reason.
My family are brilliant at helping out, but do so much to help me with work shifts etc I couldn't ask for more. The issue is really as you've said - they're both his kids, he should grow up. He actually said "It's so difficult, they always want to eat different things or watch different channels on the tv, and she gets bored too easilly" !!! Welcome to parenthood dickhead!
Mn has calmed me down though, thankyou - that wantng to sob with fury feeling is subsiding.

OP posts:
JanH · 01/05/2006 22:07

Can you stop DS going either? Would you want to? Would he agree not to go? How does DD feel about DS continuing to go?

The ex sounds like a total shit, but maybe any connection with him would be better than none for them atm - until they're old enough to decide he's not worth it?

Huge sympathy to all of you, MrsPH.

Bastard.

thirtysomething · 01/05/2006 22:10

tell him this is a very slippery slope...does he want dd to grow up thinking he loved her less? My parents divorced when I was five and even though my dad always took me and my brother out at the same time, my brother always got to choose the activity and sit in the front of the car - my dad hardly acknowledged my presence. it was very hurtful and has stayed with me forever. But I also think I have found it easier to accept that he didn't want me in his life (he mysteriously stopped seeing us when I was a teenager and I have no idea where he is) than if he had made me feel like he wanted to see me all those years...
I think you may find it hard to get him to respect your wishes but maybe if you could get him to realise that the children may one day look back and feel as if he treated them both differently....

Original poster
MrsPotatoHead · 01/05/2006 22:15

It was when I was trying to explain to ds why he shouldn't go alone that I got pretty close to slagging x off, which I really don't want to do. I've tried to explain that they see so litlle of him, that to cut the time down would be really bad, as dd needs to spend more time with her dad not less to try and work on their relationship. Ds says that he will go alone for a bit, but if dd ends up going less and less, then he won't go either.
Sad my mum and friends all said that sooner or later he'd give up bothering with both of them, can't believe it's happened so fast. He had his mates around the entire weekend, barely spent a minute alone with his kids.

OP posts:
Lact8 · 01/05/2006 22:16

MrsPH, that sounds really shitty for you.

Don't be too hard on yourself if you've slated your ex in front of the kids, sometimes they need to know that certain things are not acceptable and that you are angry on their behalf because their dad is letting them down.

Speaking as the child of divorced parents, you're doing the right thing by keeping your love life out of you kids' lifes. My dad didn't and my mum did. I class my my mum as my best friend and I haven't spoken to my dad for years so it does make a difference.

Speaking from my experience as a single parent, my boyfriend knew I had DS1 and he was number one in my life. I would only see him if my mum could babysit, is that a possibility for you? Or he would come around later in the evening when Ds had gone to bed.

I can't offer any advice on how to get you ex to step up to his responsibility to your daughter but I can tell you from what you've posted that you love them and are doing all the right things for them. I know it's a long way off and doesn't help with the here and now situation but when they're older your kids will know who was there for them.

Original poster
MrsPotatoHead · 01/05/2006 22:17

thirtysomething that's so sad. I feel for you, and can't bear the thought of it for my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPotatoHead · 02/05/2006 09:08

Sorry Lact8 I missed that last night as pc was so slooow.

I know in the long run they'll see him for what he is, in fact dd already said something about knowing I make time for her but daddy doesn't. Just wish there was no reason for them ever to have to come to those conclusions IYSWIM.

OP posts:
batters · 02/05/2006 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tommy · 02/05/2006 09:24

I don't know if this will be helpful but...my brother and his partner split up when their DS was 9 months old. My brother had residency and my nephew stayed with his Mum at the weekends. His Mum is a bit rubbish and was always forgetting to pick him up and changing plans etc and not doing anything exciting with him etc etc.
Nephew is now 14 and still visits his Mum most weekends. He knows she is a bit rubbish but still loves her.
I think my brother deserves credit for persevering with the visits (and it has been very difficult at times for the whole family) but he has given his DS the option of continuing the relationship with his Mum.
Mrs Potatohead, your ex sounds like an ae if you don't mind me saying but, IME and opinion, it is probably worth you trying to carry on with the visits, even separately and trying to explain to your children that dady finds it difficult having them both together. It is hard and terribly unfair but, as far as i can see, it is never going to be fair when one parent is doing the majority of the parenting.
Good luck.

PinkKerPlink · 02/05/2006 09:26

what a complete tosser MrsPH:(

I would just refuse and see how things go from there. I cant even see how he imagined it would be a good idea. He sounds like a selfish trog

thirtysomething · 02/05/2006 09:46

mrsph. I think you're being extremely magnanimous not slagging your dh off to kids, must be so tempting. One thing I remember is knowing my mum was never that happy about us having contact with our dad but she certainly never stopped us seeing him - if she had I thiink we may have held it against her. I may only have been small but I know absolutely that a) my Dad didn't particularly enjoy seeing us b) he hugely preferred my brother to me c) whn he stopped seeing us it was his decision and not ours or our Mum's. Noone has ever spelt these things out to me (in fact it's a no-go subject of conversation in our family!) I have jus absorbed them over the years. Your children will receive the messages your ex is sending out whether you spell them out to them or not and they will remember his treatment of them. All you can do is help them through it, show them how much you love them unconditionally and help them to fill their life with people who do appreciate them. I think some men just aren't meant to be fathers - I have a Stepdad who has always cared about me far more and been far more of a father to me than the biological one ever was! Big hugs to you all and stay strong for your kids - remember you are only responsible for your relationship with them, not his - that's his look-out.

bluejelly · 02/05/2006 13:07

What a tosser, you said it all. I think you need to be a strong as possible and not back down if you can.
A) you need a break-- and why shouldn't you?
B) they are brother and sister, not two single friends who he can just see on different days

IS there a compromise to be found ie occassional one on one time amidst a regular arrangement for the three of them?

I know so painful to see your daughter messed around like this but i have many friends with crap dads/ lovely mothers who have turned out just great...

throckenholt · 02/05/2006 13:25

can you meet him halfway - say have both kids one week, then next DS, then DD, then both again and continue like that. That way you can explain they all get the benfit of "one-to-one time with him" but he also gets the chance to have family time with both of them sometimes (don't mention that it gives you any free time). You get to have one to one time with your kids as well that way.

That way you scupper his plan without actually appearing to. And if you put it like that - it looks like you are being mature and adult and trying to get the best for all of them, and help maintain the father child relationship. All without mentioning what you really think of him and his idea.

milward · 02/05/2006 13:29

what does he think your dd will make of his choice - what an awful thing to do to his kid.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 02/05/2006 13:35

MrsPH he sounds a right knob

I wouldnt bother sending either of the kids until he grows up and takes responsibility for his children

and he is putting your ds in a terrible position with his sister
the rivalry will become unbearable and what disgusts me it is their father that is going to do this to them
not on imo.
good luck
xxx

Caligula · 02/05/2006 14:05

Well aren't you selfish, wanting time to yourself.

Unlike your selfess ex, who obviously spends all his time when not looking after them, thinking about them and how he can best further their interests and welfare.

What a total f*king knob he is. But throckenhalt's devious plan is excellent.

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