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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

maintenance, is it reasonable he wants to know what it's spent on

19 replies

pod3030 · 24/02/2013 20:07

hi there, am literally shaking as ex p has just left my new home after argument.background- emotionally abusive, gaslighting, micro managing me, control freak, made me feel horrible and small. now i am blossoming and remembering who i am.

he had dd today and dropped her off and stayed for a cup of tea. then it got round to the maintenance he's paying, (privately agreed arrangement). he is very propriatorial about my home as he sees it as he's paying for it, (rented)as well as dd 's needs etc. i have a spare room that i use as a workshop/sewing room and he see's it as 'not working for him' i.e. it is a room he's paying for . he keeps saying that when i move somewhere smaller he'll be able to reduce the maintenance payments, i told him it's a fixed agreement not based on my changing outgoings. he wanted a breakdown on everything i spend the money on, heating bills, clothes for dd, nappies, etc etc. i said it wasn't his business anymore, to trust that i am using it to provide for dd. this is when he got nasty and started the old record of 'you need to sort yourself out, 'etc, the inference (that i now no longer believe) that there is something wrong with me . i have been sobbing and shaking and feel so horrible when it's all been so lovely without him in our lives (he goes away a lot) am i unreasonable to refuse to provide him with the info of expenditure? i hate that he has this input still.
sorry post was so long.

OP posts:

growingroots · 24/02/2013 20:16

No, he has no right to that information. If he doesn't like it tell him you will go through the CSA for child maintenance and they can collect the money directly.

freemanbatch · 24/02/2013 20:19

Its none of his business and you do not need to tell him anything. If he's being a pain then don't let him in your house, drop off/pick up at the door and if he won't pay you the money go through the CSA

This is an attempt to keep control over you and you have absolutely no need to let him.

hermioneweasley · 24/02/2013 20:22

Do not let him over the threshold of your home again.

Hassled · 24/02/2013 20:25

Agree - you will regain some control if it is calculated via the CSA. It's not up to him how you spend the maintenance amount the CSA has calculated as fair - it takes it out of his hands.

FannyBazaar · 24/02/2013 20:29

He has no right to know what the money is spent on but as it's a private arrangement, he can just stop paying it. Does he pay more than the CSA going rate? If he does, be wary of him suddenly stopping payments or reducing it. He's likely to go on like this for some time and want to reduce payments if your work changes or childcare reduces (starting school) etc. If he doesn't pay as much as the CSA you could either go to the CSA or tell him you'll leave them out of it if he stops his silly requests.

Original poster

pod3030 · 24/02/2013 20:30

thankyou for replying.
he is annoyed that i haven't thanked him for the money he gives us, and says i should be grateful as a lot of dads don't pay anything.
i have been secretly saving for a while, since before we left, and to be honest the bulk of the money i am saving and managing on minimum so i am prepared if i need to move, and it feels so good to have a little in the bank for our future. he would go ape if he knew i wasn't using the money. saving is another means to loosen his control over us. i know i am lucky to get maintenance at all. but it is his obligation, not a gift to bestow and retain control over.

OP posts:

CremeEggThief · 24/02/2013 20:34

You did the right thing by telling him it was none of his business. Stay strong. Xxx

Original poster

pod3030 · 24/02/2013 20:41

i certainly won't let him in again, he has this way of being perfectly civil and reasonable for ages until you think it's normal, then you let your guard down and bam. I have been struggling to detach detach detach. There are big periods when he is busy with his important selfish life, or away, and i see what life is really like, full of colour and dd's giggles and my creativity . then he'll turn his intensity on something to do with us again and make me miserable until he proves his superiority.
he is self employed, very well off but on paper makes sure he isn't iyswim. i expect csa would award much less than we negotiated(based on his real income, not paper one). but if this keeps up, it may be worth it to be free. is there a base rate for csa? does it go by his income?
thankyou for your input, lots to ponder. phew, calmed down a bit too. hate conflict, i go all wobbly and tearful which is annoying. x

OP posts:

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 03/03/2013 20:59

He has no right to know. As the others have said go through the CSA. I had a private arrangement with my ex and he tried this once and I said no way. The final straw though was when he witheld a payment then gleefully showed me the pair of angel wings he had had tattooed on his back using my maintenance money. Straight to the CSA!! (He is not paying at the moment btw as unemployed but it worked for about 3 years)

cjel · 03/03/2013 21:26

I remember how frustrating that awful slipping back into upset when they threaten and bully again. I found lovely solicitor who I used to ring and say 'he says...' and she'd say 'no he can't' and I learnt to get stronger. It may be worth you saying you'll go to CSA and they'd do full income check, see what he thinks of that. I chose clean break at a lot less than I was advised, to be able to be free. Its wonderful my daughter said I could be waitrose and hobbs still and be broke in a few years or lidl and primarck and it'll last longer!! But I'm free of him and his bullying.

onemoredayplease · 03/03/2013 21:34

My ex used money as a form of control he would say he wasn't going to pay or couldn't afford it. I never knew where I was. The only way out was csa. He now pays through them and I don't have to chase. It took his power away.

Piemother · 03/03/2013 23:44

Op, huge hugs. But stop saying sorry, to him and us. You and your dd are entitled to this money he is not doing you a bloody favour. God this winds me up so much because exh reminded me he was paying maintenance no less than 3 times in a letter from his solicitor. Lets all stop what we're doing and give that man a fucking medal!!
He is hoovering you back into the conflict. Don't invite him in again and tell him where to go regarding this breakdown horse shit.
He should be paying you a minimum of 15% of his income if you have one child but there are deductions for overnight stays with the NRP and if he I'd supporting other children.
The comment about your spare room beggars belief! He is treating you like a staff member. His maintenance payments do not entitled him to anything in return.
Keep posting and have a good rant but you are correct, you do need to detach as much as you can

PirateHat · 04/03/2013 22:38

Yes everyone is right, it is up to you what you spend it on, whether that is a big telly or an ISA. He has no right to any information on this. I agree that it sounds like he is using maintenance as a way to control you.

Are you in contact with Women's Aid? They helped me see that ex's demands (I've had exactly the same ravings) were unreasonable and I was doing the right thing. My local branch help me to work out a form of words to use when conflict came up etc.

Original poster

pod3030 · 06/03/2013 09:56

thanks everyone,
he came round last night and i told him what i thought of him, and he was stunned. i think me standing up for myself finally shocked him into seeing my point of view, as i realise now he believed i would go back to him and saw my new home as an extension of his household. he went to his mums' and she gave him some good advice about leaving me alone and letting me go. i think he realised history was repeating itself as his dad was emotionally and financially abusive to his mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

pod3030 · 06/03/2013 10:23

although i realise he is in his 'reasonable phase'.
But he suffered as a child because of his father's behaviour, i hope he has some insight now.

OP posts:

CremeEggThief · 06/03/2013 14:20

Good for you, OP. That must have taken a lot of strength and courage.

cjel · 06/03/2013 17:45

Well done OP, I hope this is the start of you getting strong enough that you won't get stressed by what he says, you can take him for the controlling person he is. Think getting support will help you stay strong and see things more clearly. Its hard sometimes when you have had so long of listening to rubbish.xx

Original poster

pod3030 · 07/03/2013 22:59

thanks people x. i know what you mean about not being able to see things clearly having had so long of listening to rubbish.

sometimes it feels like my brain short-circuits when he's talking at me, he says things i don't remember, as fact, and i can't challenge him. he sounds so reasonable and in turn makes me out to be hysterical. i still can't tell.

he's a compartmentaliser as well, that's where the 'pod, you move out and leave with dd' came in but also the bizarre belief that we would still be under his jurisdiction , just not in his way, cramping his style.he thought he could pop in and out of our lives when he wanted.

what set him off was coming back from being away for a long spell and seeing how i was moving on and blossoming. i wasn't waiting around for him like i did before, stagnating.

now i just need to deal with the short-circuity head, because it feels like a little death each time he comes round and takes dd for a couple of hours. i need a big toolkit, comprising lady-balls, frighteningly sharp insight, and calm-your -tits-ness.
thanks again , it's really helped to get it out , i've felt so alone and like i'm going mad. xxx

OP posts:

Chandras · 09/03/2013 14:44

The problem is the more they give the more they ask for, and being self employed he can even make himself look very poor in paper even if he is earning a very substantial income.

It is not right for him to ask how the money is spent, but if he gives you more money than the CSA asks him to AND you need the money to survive, you may need to give him some lee way to keep him happy... At the end if the day he us free to pull the plug and only pay the absolute minimum the CSA asks for, and there won't be much that you can do about it :-(

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