becoming an issue

[lea2810]

Hi, I have been a lone parent since the day I found out I was pregnant, daughters dad didn't want to know, somewhere along the line of me being pregnant he got with his current girlfriend, he started to see daughter when she was nearly one, basically saw her for a few hours once a week, recently (she's now 4) she's started staying over at his once every other week, she loves going now (she used to scream every time) I have to chase his fast growing arrears with the csa every week which is getting very tiring, and my issues have recently grown firstly it was parents evening at pre school a few weeks ago I invited him and he said yes he would attend I gave him 2 weeks notice, the day came and he txt me in the morning saying he'd rang up the nursery and arranged to go later in the evening, which was fine until I found out he had done this so he could take his girlfriend, if I'm honest I believe anything education, health wise ect is for parents to deal with/attend I don't think it has anything to do with parents partners, fair enough if he wants to discuss this with said partner afterwards then fine, next issue is that I find out yesterday that he and partner have taken daughter to my doctors without me knowing, he's never come to one doctors appointment, I give him the opportunity everytime, she's been poorly recently with re accuring tonsilitus and being reffered to have them removed and I found out he'd gone behind my back to find out which doctors we went to, booked an appointment and took her without my knowing, I find this unacceptable completely....I am awaiting an appoinment with practice manager to look through daughters notes to find out why he took her there, I am furious that he would do this. what are your views on this? Honest opinions please :) I don't deal with the whole "step parent" very well but I usually bite my tongue and get on with it but I think this is going too far where education and health are concerned, I'm literally dreading her starting school because there is no need for his partner to be involved in her education, she won't be there during the week so she would never have to do homework there or anything. I think when it comes to education and health that's when 2 parents should deal with it after all we are the parents and it is OUR duty. Thanks :)

The father is able to attend parents evening and doctors independently of you. As you are able to look into and discuss with doctors your childs health (and his visit to doctors) so is he as you both have PR for the child.
Does the father live too far away for your child to see him during the week. Because it may be that contact increases as time goes on as your daughter doesn't currently have much contact with her dad. If he is becoming involved in nursery/school and medical more now this is positive for your daughter. it may have been advisable for him to discuss doctors with you so that it wasn't a shock but he may only be wanting to be more aware and involved and feel more suitable to discussing direct with doctor than with you, especially if there is ever any communication difficulties.
The girlfriend may or may not be overstepping. Your ex could have just asked her to go with him for moral support. But if she is involved with him then it may be positive that she in interested and supportive of his relationship with his daughter.
Regardless of everything else the more involved and aware the father the more positive it is for the child. The father being actively involved does not diminish or take away form your importance to the child.

Maybe try and see it from other angles

If Dad wants to take his girlfriend with him to parent's evening, personally I think it's something that is best let go. He's not doing anything illegal, it is simply down to a difference of opinion. There are many separated Mothers who take their partners with them to parents evening for whatever reason.

He has a right to take someone with him who he nominates, just the same as you have the right to take a family member, friend or new partner (should or when you have one) with you and he cannot kick up a fuss. I don't think it's worth fighting really.

With regards to the doctor appointment, it probably would have been better to notify you if it was just for a routine appointment or discussion about DD. You can gain access to her records and see what the appointment was for though, just like he can too, so hopefully you'll find out why he went.

I think you've been through a lot by the sounds of it and have done everything in your power to assist access for your child BUT... communication does seem like an issue and I think that you need to approach your ex in a non confrontational way to get his side of the story.

Thanks for your replies, I understand where your coming from with the parents evening but for me I want it to be me and him discussing our daughters education, I would never take my partner ever because I believe its parents who should attend, I communicate with him all the time he doesn't for instance this weekend he normally txts to see when he's picking daughter up on Sat but I txt first to say can u pick her up at 2, get a txt back saying actually I can't have her this weekend, he's shocking when it comes to telling me important things like that I could of had plans and daughter wasn't pleased. And no he won't be having her during the week becaused of his working hours, he has her over night 1 week can pick her up from half 10 on Saturday and bring her back before half 5 on Sunday but he usually chooses to pick her up from 4ish on Sat and brings her back at 10ish on Sunday the other weekend he has her on Sunday can get her any time and bring her back before half 5 and he usually gets her at 12/1 and brings her back at 7, I just cannot win with him, but that won't be happening when she starts scool in Sept as she's gunna need proper routines rather than get her when u want, as I can't plan anything she's usually sat waiting! As for the doctors appointment he should have discussed it with me if he'd have taken her about anything medical and I don't know and something happened what then! I just think its pathetic that he's either not allowed to talk/discuss things with me or he just cannot be bothered! I do and really want to see it from other angles and I constantly beat myself up for thinkin the way I do, I constantly ask my friends family if I'm being unreasonable, I really do want to do everything that's benefits my daughter but some things are just going to far this last 6 months he's only just really started takin some interest in her, for 8 9 months he wouldn't even look at her when she was at his mums and they were sat round the dinner table, and it just annoys me that iv brought her up soley and now he thinks he can start going behind my back, I just wish he would discuss things with me rather than doing it on the sly, sorry for rant I'm just not dealing with it great recently :(

It isn't unreasonable of you wanting him to communicate with you effectively for your daughter's sake, but unfortunately we cannot make people act reasonably. All we can do is do our best and try and control how we react to them.

It is not unreasonable of you to want set times and dates for contact. I would get that sorted straight away. No need to wait until she starts school. The longer he thinks he can get away with it, the worse he will be. He cannot think it is OK to let his daughter down at the last minute. And that is something you can have more control over because you can stick to set times for pick up. You can say "give me a set time for pick up, if you are not here within 30 mins of that time, we will assume you are not coming and go about our day as planned. It's not fair for daughter to be hanging around for you." At drop off, ask for a set time and ask him to stick to it. If he wants to drop her off early, explain you are out and will be back at the agreed time.

You can't stop him going to parent's evening with his partner. It's annoying for you but nothing good will come of you being angry with him. Don't think of it as her being included in your daughter's education. Any discussions involving you will only be with him. Just because she goes to the school, doesn't mean she will have a say in decisions. That is obviously down to you and your ex.

I would speak to him directly about the doctor's appointment. Ask him why he took her. Ask him why he didn't discuss it with you. Explain your feelings about it. But ultimately once again, you cannot make him act in a way you want him to (even if that way is best).

Sadly the only way you could stop him taking DD to the doctors or contacting them himself or stop him going to parent's evening with his partner would be if you got a court order restricting him from doing so. Expensive, not practical every time and time consuming. Alternatively stop contact, which isn't in DD's best interests if she has a relationship with her father.

Thanks for replies again, I wouldn't stop any contact as she has a relationship with I would only do that if she was bring neglected/mistreated which she isn't. It's just so hard to deal with when your the primary carer it makes me so mad after everything he did at the begining I just think he thinks when she's with him she's his and her daughter and goes vehind my back! I hear what u say about times and I would like it to be like that but if I ever needed her dropping off earlier or later ect it would then be its ok for u ect ect but something does need doing about it really! Thanks ladies