seperation, divorce or get back together?! Aaargh!

[sailingmummy]

Hi, this is quite a long one....years before my husband and i married, I found out he had looked on dating sites...it all blew over, I forgave, we got married and had two children. Then 3 years ago, I found out he had been chatting online to other women and, I cant remember, but may also have registered on dating sites too. He promises that he never actually met up with anyone, just 'chatted' - however it still rocked our marriage. With 2 small children to consider, we went to Relate and more or less worked things out...although I could never completly erase what i had found out from my head :(
Anyway, he promised me and my family, who i had told what was happening, that he would NEVER do it again to us.

After this, he was made redundant a few times, tried changing career, which went wrong and I supported his changes in career ideas financially and emotionally for 3 years.

2 months ago, I was getting ready for planning lessons for the next term (I am a teacher) and discovered on the computer that he had been up to his old tricks again. I had logged onto the computer to do school work and found that he hadnt hidden his internet activity--- basically it led me to an email address that I wasnt aware of, I managed to hack his account, and there were pages and pages of emails and messages sent between him and all these girls ...also registrations for dating websites, wher he had cropped family photos, to just show his photo for the dating website (nice touch) and had also said he was unhappily married, or divorced! He had also been emailing some tart from a dominatrix dating website :(

I felt absoultely sick reading all this and very hurt, as he had promised not to do this again and depsite all my support of his career changes/ flops, he had still done this to me and our children.

He left the family house that day and It has now been 9 weeks. In the first week, I was such a wreck that i was signed off work for a week to get my head together.

It is now getting to the point where I want to know which direction to go. I am useless at making decisions at the best of times.

He is a good dad to our 6 and 5 year old, and I keep thinking that for their sake, maybe he will change - esp after seperation, however, lots of my friends have hinted that they think he will do it again to me and that he drags me down. He seems to do all this when he is redundant and his parents said that it was because he feels threatened that i have a professional well paid job!!!

I am worrying about what to do all the time. I teach full time, and am absolutely exhausted, being full time and a single mum at the moment. At the weekend, in one moment he says that he does still love me, then the next that he doesn't, then the next that I expect too much, then says maybe we could renew our vows! Basically he is all over the place...and messing my brain around.

I am scared which decision to take - one for my children, or one for me? If we divorce, then the house will probably have to be sold as a mortgage co wouldnt give me enough to buy him out...that would mean moving to the next village away from my childrens school and friends. AAARGH!

Opinions please! Get rid of him and be brave, or try a 4th time?

You know your situation better than anyone but if I were in your shoes I would be kicking his arse out the door.
He's had more than enough chances and he is obviously not going to change. The best decision you can make is to make yourself happy, you don't need the constant doubt in your mind as to what he is up to behind your back, your children don't need that kind of example set for them. You, and they, deserve much better.
I know it must be overwhelming for you right now, especially with fulltime work but once you get into a routine you will flourish, your kids will be happier and there is no reason why your husband can't continue to be a good father to them.
I would rather be alone then in a relationship with zero trust.

Thank you. That's sort of what I am thinking, but it's such a big step, I think I am scared about taking the plunge....also, I suppose I am scared about the future. Although i am sitting typing tonight, most nights I have to do school planning/ marking after my children go to bed, and so I keep thinking how on earth am I ever going to be able to go out and 'get myself back on the dating scene again' in the future!

Fear of never finding someone else or having to move/downsize/live more frugally are not reasons to stay in a marriage. Look into your heart and ask yourself if you honestly see a future life together with this man. Is he honouring and respecting you? Can you trust him? Is your marriage an example to hold up to your children with pride? Do you still love him? Do you deserve more? You can turn a blind eye, you can give him another chance, you could tell yourself it will be alright this time. But the best advice I can give you is if you do choose to stay with him make sure you go to counselling to fully resolve/air these issues and above all be honest with yourself and how you truly feel.

I think you know what the right answer is. And frankly it won't be easy. The easy solution is usually to do nothing. Just continue as you are, bury your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. The downside of course is you will not trust him and therefore be emotionally more needy and ultimately have little self respect. Is that how you want to live?

He's not going to change. So far the first three times he's done this he's lost absolutely nothing. What now? Forth time lucky?

If he's been messaging all these women then chances are he's pretty prolific. In which case unless he's completely useless, there's a good chance he's actually met up with some women and slept with them.

Sometimes things are too broken to be fixed.

My husband used to do things like this all the time and promised he wouldnt do it again I always forgave him. In the end I was always so suspicious everything he did I had low self esteem felt awful most days. In the end I found a txt on his phone I called it it was another woman, he still tried to cover it up but I finally decided to leave him along with my 6 month old baby it was tough as id been with him for 10 years but its been over a year now since we split ive definatly felt more happyier and confident glad I made the choice to leave him.

I didnt mean I left him and my baby just him :-)

thank you everyone so far....:)

When I first separated from my ex I wasn't sure whether it was what I really wanted or if I could go it on my own. I spent the first month feeling miserable and not ready to face the separation then I worked on sorting things out for me and DS. I found it hard at first telling friends because I was never see if we would work things out or not. It took me a year to figure thus out, a lot of the time I was too busy to just focus on whether I wanted my marriage back or not. It sort of just came to me one day that, no, I didn't ever want him back again and I felt much happier and stronger accepting that.

It wasn't easy. Part of me thought I was breaking my marriage vws by nit standing by him 'in sickness and in health' as a lot of the trouble was affected by his mental health but I reminded myself that it was him who was not 'forsaking all others'. He had been given a chance to change and didn't. He had been forgiven so many times for the same things and I realised I had been a door mat.

You don't need to make a decision on this straight away, it isn't something to rush. When you know what you want, it will be much easier.

I am far happier now, I bought him out in the house and have a massive mortgage but have worked hard to reduce that. It's great to be in control.

Thank you everyone. Tonight I made the decision....I rang his parents house to speak to him, as had told me he was there at the moment, and his parents told me that they didn't know where he was, that they had tried to get in contact with him etc etc....I had had a crash today in the snow, with my children in the car, and had wanted to speak to him about the car...quite important! Although this is between him and his parents, it is yet another example of how he deceives people and tells lies. I'm fed up with his unreliability and continous deception, and have decided to start the divorce. I believe that I am much better off without him and his lying and deceitful nature, and that my children and I will muddle through. I now need to work out the process to go through - whether to use a solicitor, who says she can do the whole lot for £2k if we can sort things out easily, or a DIY divorce. Part of me thinks having a solicitor will make sure that things are done properly and thoroughly?

Do you still love him? Do you admire him? Do you feel respect for him? Do you trust him? If the answer to any of these questions is no, it is time to let him go. You have fallen out of love and nothing will repair that, it is all a matter of time :-(

Start by mediation, way cheaper than the solicitor and much less damaging. Many mediators have legal background so they can also help you to draft documents that can then be formalised by court.

FWIW, he will be feeling guilty & will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear! Don't worry about the house, you probably wouldn't even need to buy him out until kids have finished school & by then you may be in a position to do so - most people manage to stay in the family home to start off woth at least if they have the children.

If you divorce him for adultery he should pay costs of the actual divorce leaving you to pay for the financial side.

Not necesarily