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7 replies

ilovemilton · 19/12/2012 19:49

Ex is driving me mad...not sure if I want advice or just a rant...
Left dh in Oct due to dv. Took dd and ds to stay at a friend's house, getting back into the house a month later when he went on holiday. On his return, he agreed to leave after receiving a very cleverly worded solicitors letter.
So, for two and a half months, he doesn't ask how the kids are, let alone ask to see them. No contact at all. I've now received a letter from his solicitor saying he wants the kids at weekends and also to have them on Christmas Eve, alongside an appointment to attend mediation to discuss why I have refuses any requests for contact so far.
All very well and good, maybe, however, since we left, dd has told me how scared she is of daddy, how he neglected them when I wasn't there, ignored them, fed them dry bread, screamed at them and recalls so much of the dv that's horrific. D's has nightmares, is scared of the dark, hides under the bed cos daddy scares him and talks of being made to sit in the dark when I wasn't there.
Also, since I left, friends and family have told me so many concerning things about what they saw and heard too.
I just can't bear the thought of being taken to court to explain all this, then being forced to make them go and see ex-h when they are so scared of him. Also, why should he have weekends without doing any of the hard work in the week, school runs, washing, cleaning, without being up every night with them screaming, then having to fix them when they come home, for it all to start again the following weekend?
It also states in the letter that he will not disclose the address they will be staying at. All I know is that he is sleeping on a sofa at a mates - can he really have two young children for the weekend in these conditions?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 19/12/2012 20:51

Was the dv reported to police? Or doctor of hv?
Or witnessed?
If yes then you present the evidence to court and say you ok for superviesed contact at a contact centre for the next six months then review how the dc are

If there is no record or evidence of the dv then your situation is more difficult as is your word against his.
But you could for example go t gp with dc and get them t talk to gp about their concerns and have this recorded by gp and maybe refer t family therapist.
In meantime offer supervised contact ate contact centre which will prob be max two hours ate time and supervised .
See www.naccc.org.uk and find a local contact centre

You have to act on dc feeling scared by a not sending them for weekends just yet and b making sure other people professionals are aware .

And record the dv .

cestlavielife · 19/12/2012 20:53

Offer some kind of supervised contact in the interim. Unless you have very good evidence of extreme ds .

ilovemilton · 19/12/2012 21:14

I have no police / official evidence but colleagues and friends who saw bruising etc. One small act of violence was witnessed.
If I go to the GP, will they report to Social Services? What then?
Would a court grant weekend contact then, given I have no evidence of dv?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 20/12/2012 16:01

gp has obligation to report of child [protection concerns - if children are with you and safe there are no concerns are there?
if you start sending them to be with violent man then yes there are concerns.

social services will be on your side - they want to know; are you keeping your dc safe?
if you send them off with him for weekends when you have concerns then no.

however you do need evidence. you can see now why people are always advised to call police to report any dv..because if you dont, then what evidence do you have? none...

in absence of a court order you can just say no to them seeing him .
but if he takes it to court you need hard evidence.
start by taking dc to gp, tell of your concerns, ask for referral to family therapist/play therapist.

how old are dc?

ilovemilton · 20/12/2012 16:09

6 year old dd, 3 year old ds.

OP posts:
ilovemilton · 20/12/2012 16:13

It looks like he will take it to court. Is there any legality regarding me not knowing where they are sleeping, and them staying overnight while he is only sleeping on a mates sofa?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 20/12/2012 21:45

if you trust him to take care of them you trust him. if he thinks is ok to take them to his friends and sleep on a sofa -well no different from you going to your friend for a sleepover. you going to have to be more specific than that.

but - address the fact they scared of him. why? if they really are scared take them to gp and dont let them go to his until they have spoken with a therapist/child psychologist

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