Should you 'welcome' your child's father into your home, for the child's sake?

[SledsImOn]

Me and ds's father split up when ds was a baby, as he had found someone else and was living with her, while I thought he was staying with a 'friend'.

He later married her...visits to ds and contact between us stopped, as I was very angry and he refused to answer any calls.

I brought up ds myself, have since had another child. When ds was 7, I met his dad in the street and we started speaking again. It was amicable - we both tried to be nice and avoid confrontation over what had gone on. It was Ok.
He very slowly began seeing ds - but didn't tell his wife. This went on for a few months. Then he told her, (not that he had already been seeing us) and she agreed to monthly visits. He would come here, we were getting on Ok, etc.
Then he started to want to take ds to their house - which I found very hard as I don't like her, but still, it's been going on for a few months now and ds loves going - though he too has a few issues with the new wife. Still, he loves to be with his dad.

The thing is, ex is an alcoholic. He will never admit this. He's been done for drinking/driving, fairly recently, and he also turned up here drunk a few times - last time being on ds's birthday last year, after which we didn't see him for several months. He promised it would never happen again and so far so good.

Lately he's been insisting he's turned a corner and doesn't drink in the week, etc. But then he called me very drunk, about 6 weeks ago, it was obvious, I cut the conversation short. This was at 10am. It's not been mentioned again.

He has also been hinting at us getting together, as in, he often comes on to me when we see each other without ds - which rarely happens now, only very occasionally. So I don't want to see him at all really. He comes to get ds, I privately ascertain he isn't drunk (just by observation), they go off for a few hours, he brings ds home. I don't ask him in or talk to him much.

Now he wants to come here to drop off ds's present, just before Christmas.
I don't want him in my house. I can do 'polite' but I just don't want him here. I don't like him. He doesn't know this.

But I wonder if I should put up with him for an hour or so for ds's sake? Or would it be acceptable to get them to go out - say, meet on neutral ground somewhere, hand over ds, and collect him an hour later?

The thought of making conversation in my house for all that time is worrying me. I don't like pretending. And really I've kind of had enough of the bloke. But he is ds's father.

WWYD?

From what you say, I wouldn't let him into you house. H The hints that he wants to "be with you" are alarming, and accepting him into your home would send him the message that you are beginning to think the same way.

Don't let him come. Meeting for a handover on neitral ground is by far the better option.

You know he's not someone you want back in your life.

It is acceptable not to let him in your house. In this case I would definitely not, as he seems already to think he is casanova and can win your heart, given he also doesn't seem like catch of the year I would put down very clear boundaries.

The difficulty with an active alcoholic is that they lie. They are spectacularly good liars, particularly around the subject of drink. It is part of the disease. Many can also 'hold' their drink. I have spent many a 'happy' hour trying to ascertain how drunk my x was or if he had been drinking, and I have to say although I got a lot of practice I would often struggle.

So if he is in your home, I guess at least you know your son is safe. It is catch 22 really. Whatever your decision do not allow him to drive with your son in the car.

Thankyou both so much. I feel less guilty now at not wanting him here.

He certainly does like to lie a great deal, is very passive-aggressive at times, and prefers to keep everyone he knows in separate boxes so that he maintains control. Which I can't stand.

It took me a very long time to disengage from my feelings for him, and now I have reached that point and no longer can be arsed bothered with him, I want to keep him at arms length...just I don't want to upset ds in any way or seem rude/uncooperative.

I think I will suggest meeting him at a cafe in town, and leaving them to it for an hour, and then collecting ds.

Thankyou for understanding. He does assume that I will have him back, I think, or that we have a 'special' relationship which tbh I just don't want any more - he's clearly just interested in his own selfish motives and I feel rather sorry for his wife as she's got herself someone very dishonest with a huge drink problem.
Saying that he can be great for two hours a month with ds. But that's about as committed as he gets.

the girlfriend doesn't agree to anything where your ds is concerned. your ex and you agree or disagree to things.

No no and no.

My exH has a massive drink problem and I am lucky in that he lives in Ireland (I don't).

My family have bent over backwards to assist in him seeing the kids (paying for him to come over as he does not work, putting him up at my mothers house as he cannot pay for a hotel and in that way we can control his drinking).

But on the last visit (nearly a year ago he turned up so drunk he could not walk but we were stuck with him for the weekend sadly)....

So we got through the weekend and said "never again" He has been ringing me all weekend and I have not answered the phone as the last time he rang 6 weeks ago he shouted abuse at me down the phone (while drunk)...

My point is they will take and take and you will give and give (if you don't stop it). No way would I have someone like your ex (or mine) in my house. I would also stop chats about you getting back together ( have been there) by saying its not appropriate etc or relevant to care of your DC. Be calm and detached....

Take dare of yourself though as its not easy!!

Sleds

Nope as a bloke I think it's wrong, the biggest addiction any parent should have is to their children...that imo should overule any others.

Thankyou everyone...

I know it isn't about her agreeing to things, but he takes it too far the other way - coming here drunk before she knew we were talking again, in the middle of the night - which he doesn't do now - and just refusing to tell anyone what the other people are doing, or what he is doing. He takes away all the control from all of us by lying and witholding info.

I wouldn't mind too much if she said no anyway. He brings very little to ds's life. But he is not abusive - Simpson, your ex sounds appalling, drinking is one thing but shouting at you is awful. I'm very lucky that ex doesn't do conflict - all his aggression is passive which I can deal with much better.
You have done well to ignore him...keep doing it x

NO.

I think some couples might manage it where there has been respect even though they have decided that they don't wish to remain together as a couple, but there has been no respect for you shown here.

And what now, he's been married for 7 or 8 years and now he's a bit bored and thinks you'll be a handy port. He fancied you once and now you appear to have your shit together that is, you have given up asking for anything and possibly 'nag' him less than his wife does

Sorry if that sounds very cynical.

Definately don't let him into your house.

Disengage from him and his games as much as you can.
You "happen" to have a child together. That's as far as it goes.

Meeting in a cafe sounds good (or library, park if good weather, etc.).

He sounds very wishy-washy, never mind the alcohol problem, keep your contact (and his with your son, I'm sorry to say) to a bare minimum.

He is not being the greatest role model for your son and who knows, a few years down the line he may have disappeared again.

Lots of red flags in your posts (alcohol, coming on to you, dishonesty to his wife, etc.).

I am a LP, DC is always nr. 1....

Thankyou...you're right to be cynical. That's about how it is tbh. He's commitmentphobic in the extreme and that seems to mean, marry someone, then as soon as possible, go after someone else on the quiet, to create a void in the marriage that the wife doesn't know about.

He's a git. But then again he has a very nice side, as well, which sounds strange but I guess everyone is a mixed bag. We can get on Ok. I just have reached the point where I cannot be bothered, as where I used to think I meant something to him, I no longer believe that.

I wish I had not invited him back into ds's life now. But I did - and ds really likes him. (when he is sober - he knows I won't let him see ds is I suspect he isn't, last time he tried, I sent him home - very awkward)

I am Ok with him having very limited contact, ie once a month, but really for ds it's more about seeing his step siblings (who are much older than him) and having a wider social network, I think. He says he doesn't care if ex's wife isn't particularly nice to him - he just ignores her.

So I'm keeping a close eye and will withdraw this contact if anything gets worse. In the meantime I'm going to try and arrange to meet ex in town with ds, instead of here - he always tries the whole 'kiss on the cheek' thing and will want to talk about himself to me, and I'll be expected to smile and be accommodating. He can f*ck off really. You're right - he has no respect. Not for anyone imo.

Thankyou x

I hear you. Somebody can be good company or good humoured but be bad for YOU to rely on or to trust in, or just destructive for you to be in any kind of relationship with them!

Keep going with limited structured contact.