Overnight practalities?

[FourFish]

I've posted about this before but its changed again! My ex and I live 200 miles apart, I was the one to move. He asked me at the last visit if he could take the girls to a family wedding and have them overnight after the wedding. I said I would happily ferry them to and from the wedding but I wasn't happy with him having them overnight for the first time 200 miles away after a long a stressful day when it is likely alcohol will be involved. He was quite happy with this as it meant he could stay at the reception until much later.
He has however said he wants to be able to have them overnight for holidays and stuff. Ideally, I would like the first few near me but I'm not sure how practical this is? They are almost 3 and 4 and legally I have PR and receive no maintenance as he is suppose to use that money for access. He earns £700 pcm - how much maintenance would he be paying me? As he has stolen from me in the past I am not happy with him being in my house. Is it unreasonable to expect him to use a hotel/travel lodge? Just for the first few until he and the girls are comfortable with each other. Though he can't use his flat as he house shares with a know alcoholic.

Or am i being precious and they'll be fine? I'm just jumpy because the youngest has only been weaned off the breast 3 months ago and both girls still sleep in with me (i start them in their own beds but they are both awful sleepers) and at the moment he only has them once or twice a month for a day visit. So the transition to overnights is probably going to be quite stressful. And he tends to get violent when stressed (sadly not enough to count as violence in the eyes of the courts- he does things like pull their hair, smack etc which count as discipline).
Obviously in an ideal world I would much prefer overnights to not happen. But I'm guessing that now they are interesting and no longer babies he is going to be asking for overnight access for big events like family weddings/holidays/Christmas and I would much rather start overnights on my terms and a gentler transition for the girls.
Any advice?

They'll be fine!

How old are your DDs?

Why have you not arranged maintenance? (£700 a month - is this before or after tax? Maintnenance for 1 child is usually 10% of earnings after tax per month and 15% for two - but it does try to take into account certain circumstances)

WHy are they both still sleeping in with you? Do they still sleep in your bed?

Has your Ex pulled hair and smacked the children? Have you raised this with social services?

Why/ how did you make the decision to move? Did you discuss what contact would be like and how you would both work to make that happen before you moved?

As a general rule, I would say that kids need time with their father, that is very important and you both should be doing all you can to make that happen, including overnight stays. In a normal situation I would say you are overthinking things - he is their father and is just as capable as you as looking after them and should be given the opportunity to do so.

However some of what you said above seems a little worrying

Giantpurplepeopleeater -

They are almost 3 and 4.

I left him and moved to be nearer my family for support. At the time he had no job and no home and was planning to move to be nearer his family who live an hour away from me but he later decided not to move as he didn't want to lose his friends. Part of me moving was agreeing to no maintenance to enable him to have a pot of money to see the girls regularly. We didn't discuss contact as the plan was for him to move which never happened By choice he sees them once or twice a month - always instigated and arranged by me - for 5/6 hrs. We've been to mediation, again instigated and arranged by me - to try and increase contract but at that time he stated he was happy with the arrangement (this was 6 months ago.)

I live in a one bed flat so we all share a room (moving next April to a 3 bed house with my boyfriend). My youngest was breastfed up until July (2.5 years) and I co-slept so I didn't have to wake up to feed her! My eldest felt left out so often climbed in too. I am in the process of trying to move them into their beds to allow for overnight access but it is not going well.

Yes ex has pulled hair and smacked and this has been raised with my HV and SS but it is a disagreement of discipline not a concern. It is his choice to parent how he choses.

I want them to have a better relationship. I am just worried that this is the latest fad and won't work. He rang me today to say he had been thinking that it might be easier to just start with having only the eldest. I said it was both or nothing. He has never put them to bed in his life or had to tell them off or done anything remotley parenting so i think he is a bit nervous.

Yes ex has pulled hair and smacked and this has been raised with my HV and SS but it is a disagreement of discipline not a concern. It is his choice to parent how he choses.

Uggh. Horrible to hear that that is the verdict.

They are very young and have been through a lot of changes, I wouldn't be pushing them out of my bed just for contact reasons. I would also want more frequent contact before overnights happen, little and often is recommended for young children. If he is serious about having them overnight I'd think he'd be looking for a new (suitable) place to live. What about Skype, phone calls inbetween - they will only last a minute or two obviously.

My friend used to have older dc for more nights than the younger, as dc2 needed a bit more time with his mum. Nice way for both parents to get one on one time with the children, so maybe don't rule that out.

Redhelen=he pulls their hair and smacks them and shares his home with an alcoholic,how can you then say they'll be fine
OP I'd veto it for as long as possible if I were you x

He's not an alchoholic though. We are talking about an overnight after a wedding where there will presumably be loads of people around & the kids collapse into an exhausted sleep after running around the dance floor all evening!

I think having them stay at a Travel Lodge with him would make it very difficult all round - they'll all be in 'alien' surroundings. And then when he does have them at his home, it will be another set of changes for the girls to cope with.

Could you stay in a Travel Lodge near him? Then he knows if things go wrong he can contact you and you will be near.