Why does the sun shine out of ExH A**E!

[cpots]

Feeling a little frustrated and can't rant and let off steam in RL but just thought I would get it down here and see if anyone can offer any coping strategies!
Top and bottom of it is that my DC (14/12) think that the sun shines out of Dad's bottom, although he is a selfish, only thinks about himself kind of guy - had DC 1 wk out of 13 school holiday weeks, minimum maintenance to me, no £ spent on DC personally as 'I get the money', puts OW first ALWAYS ... holidays, time, money ... DC afterthought and fit in to their lives.

Whilst I don't say anything to DC I feel taken for granted, homework, washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning etc he shines and shines and shines!
I want them to get along with him but sometimes I just want a bit of recognition for what I do ... I sound selfish now don't I .
I know I have the much better life; I have them 90% of the time, but sometimes I just need to get it off my chest.

Vent here, let rip! I don't know what to suggest but have seen this adulation spoken of many a time, meanwhile you are housekeeper/taxi driver/tutor keeping your DCs well adjusted and healthy.

They do say, in time DCs recognise by themselves that the non resident parent's input is sometimes... lacking. If you badmouth ex, it only backfires long term.

You are doing a fantastic job! In his heart of hearts, ex knows it too.

As they get older your DCs will appreciate what you do, (looks round at own house - as you say, feels like a hotel sometimes). Am sure you wouldn't trade places with OW, she got the booby prize.

I know how you feel, my DC are far too young to really know any different but while ex has holidayed in Egypt this week (taking OW to where we honemooned, no less!) I've spent a week getting up night after night 5+ times with the DC, rushing up to out of hours doctors and cleaning up the vomit/poo/snot etc. All the while my 2yo cries for Daddy and when I have to say he can't call because he's 'far, far away' it makes my blood boil. DS1 sleeps with a picture of him and his dad in his room, and kisses it goodnight, but his dad can't even be bothered to respond to an email letting him know DS was in hospital. Inadequate parenting doesn't cover it... but for DS, he's still just the exciting man who showers him with presents etc when he can be bothered to show up. I suspect venting on here is all we can do, but it's good to get it out.

FWIW my grown up cousins (all boys, 3 of them raised by a single mum from preschool age) DO appreciate their mum and see through their dad. Dcuz actually described his dad as 'the bloke who took me to play football on saturdays, sometimes' so is under no illusions about who brought him up or what that took. Hang in there. The road is long but they'll get there...

You're comparing apples and pears. So they like this man, lets call him dad. They have a fantastic home life with a dedicated full time mum. You aren't in competition.

Each time they mention him do you scurry around making just a little more fuss? I used to do this, my kids are younger. I don't think they were trying to manipulate me or me pander to them. Time has helped. As has the recognition that in the early days I was so keen to not bad mouth I actually built him a pedestal so they actively tried to be nice about him.

Now we don't really talk that much about him. I have polite phrases like 'that's nice'. 'It makes me happy to see you happy'.

I also do things for me when they're at his. My children now appreciate more my world doesn't stop when they are out.

When they have exciting news to tell, feel sad or ill you are there and celebrate comiserate with them. You are their constant. Deep down they know that. They don't need it on the surface, if it is raised with them it risks them having to acknowledge that their dad has put this OW before them. That will hurt them not him. Something I know you don't want.

He has for what ever reason opted out of one of life's great journeys. Amongst the grunts and dirty laundry of teenagers there are still moments of wonder as you see them taking first steps into new pastures, showing their youthful vunerability growing and gaining independence.

On that note why are you doing all the cooking, washing and ironing? my mum and dad had us helping out from primary school age. One of us hoovered and cleaned the bathroom one did breakfast and we rotated. As we got older we cooked Saturday night and Sundays.

We even did ironing sometimes. I'm not saying we always did it well but it was a contribution and I think made us more ready for leaving home.

You don't sound selfish at all. I hope for you that you have just a little bit of you for you too. They are a very big part of your life but to be an interesting person you need a little bit of life too - I hope that you are getting it.

Venting is good.

Youre doing the best job in the world and really well as far as I can see.
I had the same kind of situation, not there from the beginning really. Had to put up with his 'sunny arse' all the time - occasionally let off steam by calling it as it was ie he's a waste of space, and I got fed up with spoonfeeding his kids to him. Moved away and started a new independent life - so he had to make the effort. Kids now 16 and 18 - they have both (seperately) spent time long term with him and partner and new kids and see it as it really is. 18 yr old has 'cut him off' and 16 yr old can't wait to get away from him once her college course finishes. Truth Outs itself in the end you just have to give it time. I have the best relationship with my DDs and they really appreciate all I've done and am doing. Can't say the same for him unfortunately but its his loss.

Don't beat yourself up and let him drag you down.

Thanks for the replies MNers - they made me smile x

Ultimately I can only be the best mum that I can be and it is HIS loss - but I never wanted my DC to experience a break up especially one where they can now see their Dad putting OW very obviously before them .

MisFor - thanks for the suggestion, we have agreed to have a cooking rota in 2013 and DC are very excited although not too much about the hoovering!!

Head up for me, I wouldn't swap the teenage moans for the world ... it is me who is their constant and we do have a good relationship ... once he's lost the bond I guess it's gone for ever - silly, silly man!!